Professor Plum entered the mail room panting and whooshing. “I’m not out of breath,” he said. “I’m doing Lamaze exercises.” (More)

Professor Plum is certainly not pregnant. Ms. Scarlet said she’s certainly not pregnant either, thankyouverymuch. The exercise was simply to let us know he’d read the mail, before he and Ms. Scarlet left to join the resident faculty in the wine cellar library to spend the weekend drinking thinking on our motto of Magis vinum, magis verum (“More wine, more truth”).

In the staff poker game, the Professor of Astrology Janitor was also panting and whooshing. He’d begun the hand with the King and Jack of Hearts, and called Chef’s opening raise. He checked the Ace, Queen, and Ten of Hearts fell on the flop, and seemed to reluctantly call Chef’s pot-sized bet. When the Queen of Diamonds fell on the turn, the Professor of Astrology Janitor made a small bet. Chef studied him for a moment, then called. The Professor of Astrology Janitor made another small bet when the Four of Clubs came at the river. This time Chef raised and, after his reraise, bet enough to put him all-in. He called and turned over his cards, panting and whooshing until Chef feared he might hyperventilate.

“You had the only hand I couldn’t beat,” she said, patting the table in congratulations as she turned over her two black Queens. She then headed for the kitchen to make Milk Poached Eggs, leaving your lowly mail room clerk to review the week’s correspondence….

+++++

Dear Ms. Crissie,

I have been unfairly smeared by the liberal media. When I talked about “a legitimate rape,” I never used the word legitimate to refer to the rapist, but to false claims like those made in Roe v. Wade and I think that simplifies it. There isn’t any legitimate rapist. I was making the point that there were people who use false claims, like those that basically created Roe v. Wade. I’m not backing down in my Senate race, because this should be an election, not a selection.

Todd in MO

Dear Todd,

We agree there are no legitimate rapists, however, we suggest your charge that women falsely claim rape to procure abortions misses the point. Even if a handful of women make such claims, as Norma “Jane Roe” McCorvey did in 1969, we note that women do so only because politicians like you – almost always men – insist in intruding into women’s personal health decisions. All the while, you and others in the forced birth movement complain about ‘government coming between patients and their doctors,’ and work to cut off community support for hardworking mothers and their children. That said, we disagree with Republicans who called on you to drop out of your Senate race, as you were merely stating a common Republican view, as evidenced by the GOP’s 2012 platform on abortion. The Republicans who spoke out against you did not disagree with what you said, but merely that you said it out loud.

+++++

Dear Ms. Crissie,

I have also been unfairly smeared by the liberal media. Yes, I joked that no one’s ever asked to see my birth certificate. They know that this is the place where we were born and raised. But the crowd loved it, unlike my previous attempts at humor, like when I stood with a group of black children and asked who let the dogs out. I’ve said throughout the campaign and before, there’s no question about where President Obama was born. He was born in the U.S. This was fun about us, and coming home. And humor, you know, we’ve got to have a little humor in a campaign.

Mitt in La MANHCA

Dear Mitt,

We shall paraphrase the bard, “The man doth protest too much, methinks.” This was no off-the-cuff remark, nor even the proverbial dog whistle. It, like the seven birthers speaking at the GOP convention this week, is a siren call to one of the most toxic human inventions. We would say you should be ashamed of yourself, but your campaign has proved that you are incapable of shame.

+++++

Dear Ms. Crissie,

Mitt in La MANHCA may think Obama was born in the U.S., but I don’t. I was in Kenya about couple of years ago and everybody said, “you know he was born here.” Why else would he be hiding all his records? He is spending millions of dollars so we do not have his records. And experts have already looked at and been able to verify that this long form document is a fraud. But the media ignores it. A total fraud. A photo-shopped fraud. That’s why I’ll be singing and speaking next month in Phoenix at what has been dubbed Birtherpalooza, where we’ll call on Congress to investigate President Obama’s birth certificate.

Pat in CA

Dear Pat,

We suggest that we, Congress, and almost all Americans will accept documentary evidence from the State of Hawaii over hearsay from you about what ‘everybody’ said during your trip to Kenya. Please ask Sheriff Joe for a pair of pink underwear when you meet. If you and the other attendees at Birtherpalooza wore those on your heads during the convention, you might look less silly.

+++++

Dear Ms. Crissie,

I see the mail room was full of nuts this week, and not the Squirrel’s leftover macadamias. Are there any nuts in Chef’s Milk Poached Eggs?

Nuttily Hungry in Blogistan

Dear Nuttily Hungry,

We congratulate your astute observation, as the Squirrel leaves no macadamia behind. We also note that there are no nuts in her Milk Poached Eggs, which she makes by heating ½ cup of lowfat milk in a small saucepan until it begins to simmer, then lowering the heat to ensure it does not boil. Chef next cracks an egg into a bowl and carefully pours the egg into the simmering milk, seasons it with a dash of freshly crushed black pepper, and bastes it with the milk from time to time, letting the egg cook for about five minutes until the white is firm. Chef then uses a slotted spoon to place the egg atop a slice of warm pumpernickel toast. Bon appétit!

+++++

Sources:

Todd in MO; election not selection; Norma McCorvey; stating a common Republican view; GOP’s 2012 platform on abortion.

Mitt in La MANHCA; the crowd loved it; who let the dogs out; seven birthers speaking at GOP convention.

Pat in CA; Birtherpalooza.

+++++

Happy Sunday!