“You have only one letter this week,” Professor Plum said, sounding exhausted. “And it’s long.” (More)

He left the massive missive on the poker table and walked away with Ms. Scarlet to join the resident faculty in the wine cellar library, where they’ll spend the weekend drinking thinking on our motto of Magis vinum, magis verum (“More wine, more truth”). The Professor of Astrology paused in the staff poker game to begin reading, however he got only halfway through it before he began his plaintive mewling. Chef read the letter and put out extra macadamias for the Squirrel before heading to the kitchen to make a Cheesy Scramble, leaving your lowly mail room clerk to review the week’s correspondence….

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Dear Ms. Crissie,

Randi in IA

Dear Randi,

We Commend your Demonstrated Mastery in Finding the Shift Key, and for ending your campaign for the Iowa state senate. However, we regret to inform you that your letter arrived too late to qualify for the 2012 BPI Awards honoring excellence in non-existence. You claim to now hold a position that does not exist, in a government that does not exist. Yet you ignore the fact that, as a woman in Iowa, you would not have been eligible to vote or hold public office in 1870, after which you claim constitutional amendments and other public laws were no longer valid. We also note that you finish with a quote from the Pledge of Allegiance, which was written in 1892, adopted by what you claim is an invalid Congress in 1942, and amended to include “under God” – the phrase you emphasize – by yet another allegedly-invalid Congress in 1954. Thus, you promise to serve in an office that does not exist, in a government that does not exist, and under a Pledge that, by your own reasoning, does not exist. In summary, your letter is a tour de force of perfect nothingness.

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Dear Ms. Crissie,

Oyka ethn. Er, okay then. I’m still a bit scrambled after reading that. Could Chef make her Cheesy Scramble by cracking eggs into a pan, reading them this letter, and watching them scramble themselves?

Still Unscrambling in Blogistan

Dear Still Unscrambling,

The BPI Fizzix Department were not sure whether reading today’s letter aloud would scramble the eggs, or the air molecules in the kitchen, or perhaps even Chef herself. She decided not to experiment, and instead simply cracked the eggs into a small bowl, whisked them thoroughly, poured them into a preheated skillet on a medium-low burner, and fluffed them with a spatula. As the eggs began to set, Chef then sprinkled on a handful of shredded cheddar cheese and folded the eggs and cheese until melted. Bon appétit!

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Sources:

Randi in IA; the 2012 BPI Awards for excellence in non-existence; Pledge of Allegiance.

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Happy Sunday!