As always, we reveal the bottoms of our Bippies with political columns that, sadly, were not written…. (More)

Welcome back to the 4th Annual BPI Awards, the curvaceous and coveted Bippies that honor the best in non-existence. Thursday we praised non-existence in advertising. Yesterday we honored movies and TV series that were not made. Today we conclude with political columns that were not written.

The conclusion of each year’s BPI Awards ceremony is always a bittersweet moment. It’s not because we take a moment to look back at non-existent people who no longer don’t exist, as that would take far too long. Nor is it because the bears want the Kodiak Theater back, as we never get to use it. No, the conclusion is always a bit sad because – while we hope never to see the ads, movies, and TV shows whose non-existence we celebrated – there always burns a faint hope that we might someday read these political columns in a newspaper that actually exists. Alas, for now, they remain eligible for excellence in non-existence.

But before we get to the nominees, let’s check in with our roving reporter and Ms. Scarlet for the conclusion of Back to the Behind: The Reshaping of the Bippies:

Scarlet@BPI: And sauerkraut too, now that I think of it.

Squirrel@BPI: Oh my yes. That will peel the paint off … oh, we’re on. Hello and welcome back to my backstage interview with Ms. Scarlet, the model for the curvaceous and coveted Bippie. So Ms. Scarlet, did the Bippie sculptors do anything differently this year?

Scarlet@BPI: In fact they did. In past years I had to sit for a plaster mold, but this year the BPI Fizzix Department built a computerized laser measuring device. They just stuck little green dots all over, turned on the grid, and let the computer crunch the numbers and build a three-dimensional model. It was much faster.

Squirrel@BPI: When will the green dots come off?

Scarlet@BPI: They said there may be a problem with that. They meant to use removable glue, but they grabbed the wrong tube.

Squirrel@BPI: So they’re … permanent?

Scarlet@BPI: Oh no. The Fizzix Department guys said they should wear off in a few days. Until then, I think of them as beauty marks. What do you think?

Squirrel@BPI: I’m sure I shouldn’t say. And thankfully, we’re out of time so I don’t have to say anything. Thank you, Ms. Scarlet, for this revealing look at the reshaping of the Bippie. Now back to the awards!

And thank you, Squirrel. Back to the awards, indeed. As you may remember, last year we expanded the category of political columns to include the Internet, to narrow the scope of non-existence. As always, the votes were tabulated in BPI’s state-of-the-art High-Energy Meta Mojo Elucidation Detector (HEMMED) Lab, and the results then sealed in Pootie the Precious’ litter box. We apologize for the smell.

So without further adieux, the nominees for the 2012 BPI Awards in Political Columns That Were Not Written:

Yes, I’m an Aristocratic Jerk, by David Brooks

Lead: Hardly a week passes without readers writing to ask why I defend privilege and say our country was better before common people thought they could rise to importance. The answer, simply, is that I’m an aristocratic jerk.

Alas, I Must Resign, by Paul Krugman

It is with great sadness that I announce my resignation as a professor and columnist. That said, I’m sure I’ll enjoy my new duties as principal economic advisor to President Obama and the Democratic Party.

Find Another Guest, Please, by John McCain

Look, I get that Sunday morning news producers and hosts are lazy and would rather book the same guests to answer the same questions, week after week. And I get that I look good on camera. But please, find someone else. I’d rather solve the crossword, practice my golf swing or, heck, just read the “Ask Ms. Crissie” Morning Feature at in time to make one of Chef’s breakfast recipes … for breakfast.

I Don’t Know Why CNN Hired Me Either, by Erick Erickson

I run a website so I understand the need to build an audience. But seriously, couldn’t CNN find a conservative contributor who actually has some experience in government or policy work? And while we’re at it, who names a kid “Wolf?” Did Mr. and Mrs. Blitzer not like him? Oh, and the Affordable Care Act is actually a good idea.

I’ve Run Out of Horrid Things To Say, by Rush Limbaugh

That’s it, people. I’ve been at this for years, and I only made it through the past couple of years by waking up each morning and asking myself: “What cruel, hurtful, awful thing haven’t you said yet? You should say that today.” But now I’ve run dry. I’m quitting.

Well now, each of those is clearly a wonderful demonstration of non-existence. And the winner is …

Find Another Guest, Please, by John McCain, because sucking up to the BPI resident faculty and staff is always welcome!

And that’s it for the 2012 BPI Awards. Congratulations to all the winners, and thanks again to the Squirrel and Ms. Scarlet for the Back to the Behind: The Reshaping of the Bippie featurette. So until next year, remember: the Affordable Care Act won’t cover transcendental medication, but only because drug companies haven’t yet found a way to patent non-existence.


Happy Saturday!