“I need a new cheese head,” Professor Plum said.

We didn’t know he liked the Packers. Maybe he just read the mail. (More)

Professor Plum said his old cheese head became a foam Cheez-It after the wind blew it off his head and under a bulldozer outside the new Venerable Hall. “I told him to wear a hardhat instead of that softhat,” Ms. Scarlet said before they left to join the resident faculty in the wine cellar library to spend the weekend drinking thinking on our motto of Magis vinum, magis verum (“More wine, more truth”).

The Professor of Astrology Janitor had his own headwear issues. Sure that Chef had been reading his facial expressions, he wore a motorcycle helmet to this week’s staff poker game. When Chef began calling his every bluff, he asked if she could see the reflection of his cards in the face shield. “No,” Chef said, “but you always draw a deep breath when you decide to bluff, and with that helmet you sound like Darth Vader.”

His plaintive mewling sounded like Darth Kitteh, which sent Pootie the Precious scurrying under the table and Chef to the kitchen to make Alton Brown’s Wisconsin Mess. This left your lowly mail room clerk to review the week’s correspondence….

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Dear Ms. Crissie,

Two years ago I ran for governor because Wisconsin faced both an economic and a fiscal crisis. At the time we had lost more than 100,000 jobs, and the state faced more than a $3 billion budget deficit, and we knew we had to take action. We balanced the budget without raising taxes, without massive layoffs and without cuts to programs like Medicare. Instead, we chose to balance our budget through long-term structural reforms that helped balance not just the state budget, but our local budgets as well. What we were doing was, we were thinking more about the next generation than the next election. And isn’t that what voters elected me to do?

Scott in WI

Dear Scott,

We acknowledge that Wisconsin faced an economic and fiscal crisis in late 2010, however we see little evidence your policies have helped. For example, you tell Wisconsin voters that you have balanced the state budget, but in fact Wisconsin still has a structural budget deficit due to tax cuts and other state policies that you enacted. Indeed you told the federal government Wisconsin has a budget deficit when seeking permission to cut 53,000 adults from the state’s Medicaid program, at the same time you were telling Wisconsin voters you balanced the budget. You campaigned on a promise to adopt Generally Accepted Accounting Principles – a promise you have not kept, perhaps because those accounting rules that show the structural deficit. We suggest you keep your campaign promise, cite your GAAP-based results in your campaign speeches, and let voters evaluate your performance based on facts rather than accounting games.

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Dear Ms. Crissie,

There’s a lot more that Scott in WI doesn’t want you to know. In our debate Friday, he said “We don’t want the rest of Wisconsin to become like Milwaukee,” where I have been mayor since 2004. While unemployment has risen in the city during my tenure, Scott in WI was the Milwaukee County executive from 2002 to 2010 and unemployment rose even faster in the county than in the city. He does not even want the people of this state to remember he was ever the county executive of this county. He also didn’t tell voters in 2010 that he had a divide-and-conquer plan to crush organized labor, and he still won’t tell voters whether he would veto a right-to-work law. There’s a reason he hasn’t said he would veto a right-to-work bill – and the reason is, he wouldn’t. I have no desire to be a rock star for the far right, or for the far left. What I have is a desire to be rock-solid in creating jobs for Wisconsin. I hope your readers will help my campaign.

Tom in WI

Dear Tom,

We agree that Scott in WI has a record of distortion and concealment, and we hope our readers will help your campaign highlight that record. We were also pleased to hear that you now support marriage equality and respect for all adult relationships. We will work hard for you and look forward to celebrating your victory as Wisconsin’s next governor.

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Dear Ms. Crissie,

I agree that everyone should help help Tom in WI’s campaign. Although the Democratic National Committee have directed over $1.4 million to help and DNC Chair Debbie Wasserman-Schultz rightly notes that this is election is based in Wisconsin, all of us can contribute and volunteer with phone-banking to help clean up the mess Scott in WI has made. And speaking of messes, how does Chef make Alton Brown’s Wisconsin Mess?

Messily Hungry in Blogistan

Dear Messily Hungry,

Thank you for reminding our readers to help Tom in WI’s campaign, and noting that they can contribute and volunteer with phone-banking. As for the other Wisconsin Mess, Chef by browning 1 medium shredded potato, ¼ of diced sausage, ¼ cup of diced bacon, and ¼ cup of diced ham on a griddle over medium-high heat. She then adds ¼ cup of diced onions and ½ cup of diced green peppers, and fries them for 2-3 minutes until they are cooked through. Chef next scrambles 3 eggs on the griddle, stirs them into the meat and vegetables, and seasons them with a pinch of salt and black pepper. Finally she puts the egg mixture onto a plate, sprinkles on ½ cup of Wisconsin cheddar cheese, and tops that with ½ cup of sauerkraut hot from the griddle. Bon appétit!

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Sources:

Scott in WI; structural budget deficit; told federal government; campaigned on a promise to adopt GAAP.

Tom in WI; divide-and-conquer strategy to crush organized labor; rock solid in creating jobs for Wisconsin; marriage equality.

Messily Hungry in Blogistan; Alton Brown’s Wisconsin Mess recipe.

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Happy Sunday!