Professor Plum skipped into the mail room and announced: “If I felt any gayer, I would be twins.”

He read the mail.(More)

Professor Plum skipping is a sight to be missed, and Ms. Scarlet quickly added that he was happy-gay after winning the resident faculty Clue tournament. (He did it, in the kitchen, with the knife.) After receiving our congratulations, they left to rejoin the resident faculty in the wine cellar library, to spend the weekend drinking thinking on our motto of Magis vinum, magis verum (“More wine, more truth”).

Alas, the Professor of Astrology Janitor was not happy, as the cards had not been kind in the staff poker game. When he peeked at the Ace and Ten of Hearts, he chose not to raise Chef’s opening call of his big blind. The Queen of Spades and King and Jack of Hearts on the flop perked his spirits, giving him an Ace-high straight, four Hearts, and a chance at a Royal Flush. To conceal the strength of his hand, he followed Chef’s check. The Six of Hearts on the turn gave him a flush, but Chef checked again. Not wanting to give her a free card, lest she have two pair and make a full house, he bet the pot. Chef called and the Queen of Hearts fell on the river, giving him the Royal Flush. Chef checked, and again the Professor of Astrology Janitor bet the pot. After a long pause, Chef folded and turned up her King and Queen of Diamonds. He began his plaintive mewling and asked how she could fold a full house. Chef simply smiled and left for the kitchen to make Breakfast Omwiches, leaving your lowly mail room clerk to review the week’s correspondence….

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Dear Ms. Crissie,

The president, you know, recently weighed in on marriage. And, you know, he said his views were evolving on marriage. Call me cynical, but I wasn’t sure that his views on marriage could get any gayer. I think we’re in a spiritual crisis as a country and I think you’re going to need leaders beyond your political leaders. We understand sin and if we believe it’s a sin, we still are (sinners) and people sin. We’re not out there preaching some sort of hateful dogma against people. But that doesn’t mean that we have to go ahead and give up our traditions. Six thousand years of tradition and anthropological evidence there’s stability in the family unit.

Rand in KY

Dear Rand,

We congratulate you on admitting your cynicism. That said, we note that “We the People” does not mean only those who share your religious beliefs, and we agree with the federal appellate court that found no rational basis in law for what you call “the stability of the family unit” to exclude LGBT families. As we hope you are not among those who believe human history covers only 6000 years, we assume you meant that time span to cover the biblical tradition of marriage. We thus offer this handy chart of those traditions:

BiblicalMarriage

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Dear Ms. Crissie,

As I told the graduates at Liberty University yesterday, culture matters. As fundamental as these principles are, they may become topics of democratic debate. So it is today with the enduring institution of marriage. Marriage is a relationship between one man and one woman. […] For so many on this earth, life is filled with orders, not options, right down to where they live, the work they do and how many children the state will permit them to have. All the more reason to be grateful, this and every day, that we live in America, where the talents God gave us may be used in freedom.

Mitt in La MANHCA

Dear Mitt,

We apologize for editing your letter, as we have limitations on both space and readers’ patience. We note that the edit captures the hypocrisy of your message on freedom, as your definition of marriage is “filled with orders, not options.” As with so many Republicans, you see “freedom” as the right to conform to your standards.

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Dear Ms. Crissie,

People who believe in equality under the law as a fundamental principle, as I do, will agree that this principle extends to gay and lesbian couples; gay and lesbian couples should not face discrimination and their relationship should be protected under the law. People who disagree on the fundamental nature of marriage can agree, at the same time, that gays and lesbians should receive essential rights and protections such as hospital visitation, adoption rights, and health and death benefits. This is not about giving anyone extra protections or privileges, this is about making sure that everyone – regardless of sexual orientation – is provided the same protections against discrimination that heterosexuals enjoy. As more people have become aware of friends and family members who are gay, attitudes have begun to shift at an accelerated pace. This is not about a generational shift in attitudes, this is about people changing their thinking as they recognize their friends and family members who are gay or lesbian. As people who promote personal responsibility, family values, commitment and stability, and emphasize freedom and limited government we have to recognize that freedom means freedom for everyone. This includes the freedom to decide how you live and to enter into relationships of your choosing, the freedom to live without excessive interference of the regulatory force of government.

Jan in TX

Dear Jan,

We congratulate you for your articulate letter. We also appreciate your courage, as we note you are a Republican pollster who worked for President George W. Bush’s 2004 campaign. We hope your party’s leaders will heed your words – and the research on which your views are based – and will work to ensure that “We the People” means all of us.

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Dear Ms. Crissie,

Maybe I haven’t had enough coffee yet, but what did Professor Plum do in the kitchen with the knife? Also, what is a Breakfast Omwich and how do I make it?

Cluelessly Hungry in Blogistan

Dear Cluelessly Hungry,

As it happens, your questions are related. In the kitchen, with the knife, Professor Plum helped Chef chop 2 slices of cooked ham, ¼ cup of onion, 1 Tbsp of fresh chives, ¼ of fresh mushrooms, ¼ of green pepper, and 1 tsp of jalapeno pepper. Chef then browned, drained, and crumbled 3 slices of bacon before stirring 3 lightly-beaten eggs into a bowl with ¼ cup of shredded Cheddar cheese. She then poured the egg mixture into a skillet over medium heat, cooked it until the bottom began to set up, and sprinkled on the bacon, ham, onion, chives, mushrooms, green pepper, jalapeno pepper, and another ¼ cup of shredded Cheddar cheese. She then folded the omelet over, cooked it until the cheese melted, and placed it between two slices of toast spread with mayonnaise. Finally, Professor Plum sliced the Breakfast Omwiches in half for serving. With the knife. In the kitchen. Bon appétit!

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Sources:

Rand in KY; federal appellate court ruling.

Mitt in La MANHCA.

Jan in TX.

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Happy Sunday!