Professor Plum announced that the resident faculty would be working all weekend.

He read the mail again. (More)

Professor Plum and Ms. Scarlet then left for the macadamia mines, where they and the resident faculty will spend the weekend chipping out food for the Squirrel. Meanwhile, the Professor of Astrology Janitor was deciding whether to bluff with only a pair of Deuces. He had called Chef’s opening raise, and called again when she bet on the Queen-Jack-Ten all-Spade flop. He called again when the Four of Clubs came at the turn. Chef continued betting when the Six of Diamonds fell on the river. The Professor of Astrology Janitor thought for a long moment, then raised. Chef studied him carefully, then sighed and folded, turning over the Ace and King of Spades. The Professor of Astrology let out mewl of delight, and Chef went to the kitchen to make Asparagus Ice Cream Omelets, leaving your lowly mail room clerk to review the week’s correspondence….

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Dear Ms. Crissie,

Now that my fundamentally hopeless campaign has fizzled, I want to tell the American people that Barack Obama is one of the greatest presidents in U.S. history. The American Reinvestment and Recovery Act staved off a second Great Depression, and passing the Affordable Care Act was a deeply profound masterwork of persistent leadership, despite my party’s attempts to block a bill that was fundamentally what we drafted in the 1990s when I was in Congress. President Obama’s deeply profound life story is fundamentally American, and I am proud to endorse him for reelection.

Newt in GA

Dear Newt,

We are deeply moved by your fundamentally profound insights, and congratulate you on making such a deeply, profoundly, fundamentally intelligent decision. Despite your history of partisanship, we always believed you were committed to the highest ideals of representative government. Why else would women have lined up at your door to propose marriage? We look forward to your continued service to the nation, and hope President Obama will appoint you acting governor of our 51st state on the moon, pending your inevitable election by a deeply, profoundly, fundamentally grateful lunar population.

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Dear Ms. Crissie,

Although I will almost certainly be nominated as his opponent, I too would like to endorse President Obama for reelection. I grew up with privilege, the son of a rich and politically powerful father, and I spent much of my adult life getting richer by capturing the profits from businesses while paying a lower tax rate than workers I soon laid off. So I know from experience that my party’s economic policies, while wonderful for wealthy people like me, would be disastrous for ordinary Americans. Many might end up living in trees, which would no longer be just the right height. Once the election is over, I’ll invite anyone who wants to come stay at my the mansion I’m building, which I will donate to a public trust to make up for the taxes I should have been paying all these years. Please bring your dogs, and make sure they travel inside your cars. You can all park in my underground garage and ride that elevator up to the kitchen, where I’ll be making cheesy grits.

Mitt in La MANHCA

Dear Mitt,

We congratulate you on your insight as well, and your decision to open your planned 7000-square-foot mansion for public residence. While we understand the popular misunderstanding over your putting your dog on the roof for that vacation, we note that most dogs like to put their noses out car windows anyway, and we’re sure you simply had the dog’s best interests at heart. We hope everyone who comes to live at your new mansion will enjoy the cheesy grits, and help you keep the trees trimmed to just the right height.

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Dear Ms. Crissie,

I’d like to apologize to the American people for making them watch my year-long exercise in personal therapy. I’m deeply committed to my faith, yet I still have these deep yearnings that make me feel insecure about my masculinity. That’s why I’ve made so many ugly comments about LGBTs, who want nothing more than to form the loving and stable homes with the same legal protections that I take for granted. That’s also why I made ridiculous statements about women’s health care. I knew I was nearing either a breakthrough or a breakdown when I compared President Obama’s modest yet important health care reforms to the guillotine. Oh, and I didn’t really say “blah people.” That was my implicit racism bubbling out, and I need to work through that. But I’ll try to do that privately, as I’ve already inflicted too many of my neuroses on the American people. I hope Americans will forgive my outbursts.

Rick in PA

Dear Rick,

We are touched by your heartfelt apology, and wish you the very best as you continue to explore the rubble of your psyche. On behalf of a grateful nation, thank you for deciding to keep the rest of that exploration private.

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Dear Ms. Crissie,

After such a dismal news week, I was delighted to see these letters. I hope Chef’s Asparagus Ice Cream Omelets will be just as delightful. How does she make them?

Gullibly Hungry in Blogistan

Dear Gullibly Hungry,

Chef begins with two pounds of asparagus stalks, cutting the top 2-3″ from each stalk. (She uses the stems in other dishes.) Chef then fills a large bowl with ice water, puts the asparagus tips in a pot of lightly salted, boiling water until bright green, and immediately removes them into the ice water. She then drains the ice water and puts the asparagus tips in a blender. Chef next whisks together 6 egg yolks and ¼ cup of sugar, then heats 1⅓ cups of milk in a saucepan until it just starts to boil. She removes the pan from the heat and slowly whisks in the egg mixture, then returns the pan to the stove and slowly stirs with a wooden spoon until the custard reaches 170°. Chef then adds the custard into the blender with the asparagus tips, puréeing them until the mixture is smooth. She then strains the mixture through a fine mesh to remove any solid bits, and freezes the custard in an ice cream maker.

Once the ice cream is frozen, Chef whisks two eggs and pours them into a skillet over medium heat, tipping the skillet so the eggs spread evenly and using a rubber spatula to trim up the sides. When the eggs are almost done, Chef uses a spoon to form the ice cream into two quenelles, lays them in the center of the omelet, folds it over, and places the omelet on a plate. Chef garnishes these with carrot shavings and tops it with chocolate syrup. Bon appétit!

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Happy April Fool’s Day!