President Obama publicly admitted that he’s from another planet, yet he refuses to discuss extraterrestrial visitors. Will he let them take over in his second term? (More)
A Method to the Madness, Part III: Obama’s Alien Plot (Non-Cynical Saturday)
This week Morning Feature explores the psychology of conspiracy theories and their believers. Thursday we examined the ‘shocking new’ video of President Obama at Harvard. Yesterday we considered the bizarre speculation about President Obama’s role in the tragic death of Andrew Breitbart. Today conclude with stunning proof that President Obama refuses to discuss the extraterrestrial plot to colonize earth.
“I was actually born on Krypton.”
In October 2008, President Obama admitted that he was born on another planet. Oh sure, the media treated it as a joke. But consider that the White House also denied a petition to acknowledge an extraterrestrial presence here on Earth:
The U.S. government has no evidence that any life exists outside our planet, or that an extraterrestrial presence has contacted or engaged any member of the human race. In addition, there is no credible information to suggest that any evidence is being hidden from the public’s eye.
Ahem. Doesn’t the White House television system get the History Channel? Is their internet connection too slow for YouTube? Surely they look at the polls. That website even has a pie chart. I have no idea what the slices mean because they’re not labeled, but it’s a real pie chart, just like the White House uses!
Okay, so the History Channel isn’t 100% historical – Pawn Stars is, technically, ‘history’ because they don’t broadcast it until after the events happen, right? – and YouTube videos can be faked, or misinterpretations of natural phenomena. And I can make a pie chart with a free online tool:
A look at the science….
Still, a 2007 AP/Ipsos poll found that 34% of Americans believe in UFOs. That’s the same percentage as who are baseball fans. Is the White House saying baseball isn’t real? If so, why did President Obama claim to be a White Sox fan? After all, the president couldn’t name his favorite White Sox player from his childhood …
… because he spent his childhood on his home planet. The nearest potentially habitable planet astronomers have found is Gliese 581 c – which sounds suspiciously like it has Super-PAC status – and that’s 20.3 light years away. If President Obama’s home planet is about the same distance, the White Sox games he listened to as a child would have been broadcast from earth from the 1940s and early 50s. The White Sox weren’t very good back then, so of course he can’t remember any favorite players.
So we have scientific evidence of potentially habitable planets, with Super-PAC-like names, that corresponds perfectly with the gaps in President Obama’s childhood baseball knowledge. And just last month, President Obama opened his own Super-PAC. You don’t need a degree in rocket science to connect those dots. In his second term – after publicly admitting he was born on another planet, then denying evidence of extraterrestrial life – President Obama will let his extraterrestrial campaign donors colonize the earth.
Still not convinced?
Okay, I’ll offer even more evidence. Consider some other theories about what President Obama will do in his second term:
“All that first-term lip service to gun owners is part of a massive Obama conspiracy to deceive voters,” NRA chief executive Wayne LaPierre said during the Conservative Political Action Conference. “And hide his true intentions to destroy the Second Amendment during his second term!” His evidence was Obama’s past views on gun control, and his appointment of two Supreme Court justices the NRA considers hostile.
“I think this country would be a fundamentally different country at that point,” former senator Rick Santorum (Pa.) said last month on an online show hosted by Glenn Beck. He envisioned greater government interference in everyday life – a transition to “European socialism, at a minimum.” “I think we will have lost the very essence of what America is about.”
Newt Gingrich even predicted that President Obama will “declare war” on the Catholic Church, on “the morning after he is reelected.” Admittedly, Gingrich also predicts that the 51st U.S. state will be on the moon, but where else would you want your first line of defense against an invasion from space? If we don’t stop those ETs on the moon, we’ll be fighting them in Los Angeles!
And unlike LaPierre, Santorum, or Gingrich, I have actual science to back up my theory … that planet with the Super-PAC name. Although that may not be President Obama’s home planet.
Who is President Obama … really?
Want more scientific evidence? Ask Johns Hopkins professor of neuroscience David Linden to explain why we crave consistency:
To understand why, Linden says, it helps to consider how the brain looks for consistency and predictability in even a mundane event like reaching for a cup of coffee.
Long before your hand reaches the cup, your brain starts making predictions about everything from how much force will be required to lift the cup to how the coffee will taste.
Once the brain makes its predictions, it starts to “use sensory information as it comes in to compare the prediction with what actually took place,” Linden says.
You grasp. You smell. You taste.
If the cup’s weight and the coffee’s flavor match the predictions, your brain declares victory. If not, it tries to figure out what went wrong.
For the record, I just tested that theory, and Dr. Linden is right. I grasped. I smelled. I tasted.
Prediction is so important that our brains actually give us a chemical reward when we do it well, Linden says.
“We are intrinsically wired to take pleasure from our predictions that come true,” he says.
Get it right and you get a burst of pleasure-inducing dopamine or a related brain chemical. Get it wrong and dopamine levels dip, Linden says.
Check. That happened. Or maybe it was the caffeine. But I’ll take his word for it.
All that training makes us extremely sensitive to the consistency and predictability of people we depend on, Linden says.
“If we have a sense that there is a mismatch between our prediction and their actions, that is something that sets off neural alarm bells,” he says. And if we think they have been inconsistent about something fundamental, he says, we will feel betrayed.
“When we feel deeply betrayed, either by a leader, or by someone in our social circle, or by our beloved, that pain really is similar to physical pain,” Linden says.
Anyone who reads certain political blogs knows this is true. This neuroscience guy knows his stuff!
But NPR didn’t just talk to one scientist. They also talked to Wharton psychologist Philip Tetlock:
He’s based some of his conclusions on an ancient aphorism from the Greek warriot-poet Archilochus: “The fox knows many things, but the hedgehog knows one big thing.”
Tetlock applies this analogy to politics. The hedgehog has one goal: It doesn’t want to get eaten. Foxes, on the other hand, are crafty. They have lots of strategies to catch a hedgehog.
Tetlock thinks consistent leaders simplify a complex world into a few big ideas. That’s why he thinks they’re like hedgehogs.
He even did real research, with math and all that stuff:
Consistent hedgehogs and inconsistent foxes both claim great results, so Tetlock has put their claims to the test. He asked a large number of hedgehogs and foxes to make specific predictions about events. Over 20 years, he’s collected more than 28,000 predictions about issues in 60 countries.
The results are in: Foxes make the right calls more often than hedgehogs. If you want to know where the economy’s headed, ask a fox.
The best presidents, Tetlock says, may be foxes – who disguise themselves.
“They campaign like hedgehogs, and they govern like foxes,” Tetlock says.
The science points to one conclusion
Let’s review the evidence:
- President Obama admitted he was born on another planet.
- President Obama refused to acknowledge extraterrestrial life.
- Scientists say there may be a habitable planet just 20.3 light years away.
- As many Americans believe in UFOs as like baseball.
- President Obama says he’s a White Sox fan, but can’t name a favorite player from his childhood.
- A 20-year broadcast delay explains why then-child Obama would have had no favorite White Sox players.
- That possibly habitable planet has a Super-PAC-like name.
- President Obama opened a Super-PAC for his reelection campaign.
- Scientists say we like to predictable things like good coffee. (I even tested that!)
- Scientists say successful predictions make us feel good. (But that may be the caffeine.)
- Scientists say people who think like foxes do better at predicting the economy.
- President Obama predicted the economy would get better, and it has started to.
- Some people still feel betrayed because President Obama isn’t an ideologue.
- Therefore … President Obama is a fox.
Now add two more bits of science:
There is only one possible conclusion: President Obama was born on a planet orbiting the star Sirius – just as UFO experts have been saying for decades – and in his second term he’ll let his extraterrestrial campaign donors colonize our planet.
That makes at least as much sense as the Republicans’ whacko theories, and mine includes real science. Now where did I leave that roll of tin foil….