“The Marianas Trench is the highest mountain in the world,” Professor Plum announced.

Clearly he’d read the mail. (More)

“The Sahara Desert is also the world’s largest ocean,” he continued, before Ms. Scarlet took his hand and they left to join the resident faculty in the wine cellar library, where they’ll spend the weekend drinking thinking on our motto of Magis vinum, magis verum (“More wine, more truth”). The staff poker game was slightly more tethered to reality, until the Professor of Astrology Janitor decided to play his Jack of Spades and Three of Hearts as if they were a pair of Aces. Chef called his opening raise, and called again when he bet on the Ace-King-Seven flop. He bet again when the Five of Diamonds came on the turn, and yet again Chef called. When the Ten of Clubs at the river left him nothing, the Professor of Astrology Janitor finally gave up. Chef turned over the pair of Aces that the Professor of Astrology Janitor had been bluffing, and he began his plaintive mewling. Chef headed for the kitchen to make Berry Breakfast Smoothies, leaving your lowly mail room clerk to review the week’s correspondence.

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Dear Ms. Crissie,

Don’t you liberals understand that Obamacare will put disabled children in danger? It’s all about how do we best allocate resources where they are most effectively used? Government allocating resources best on how to get the best bang for your dollars and it’s all about utility. It’s all about the usefulness of the person to society, instead of the dignity of every human life and the opportunity for people who love and care for people to give them the best possibility to have the best possible life.

Rick in PA

Dear Rick,

We must congratulate your exactness. Until the Affordable Care Act changed the law, health insurance companies routinely excluded preexisting conditions. Parents of disabled children were forced to rely on Medicare or Medicaid, if they qualified, or on charity if they did not. Because the Affordable Care Act regards health care as a basic human right – and not a luxury allocated by the utility calculations of the free market – it ensures that disabled children receive the same insurance coverage as their healthy siblings. As so many Republican candidates offer only vague generalities, we again congratulate you … for being exactly wrong.

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Dear Ms. Crissie,

That may be what the Obamacare promises, but you don’t understand how devious he is. For example, President Obama wants everybody in America to go to college. What a snob! There are good, decent men and women who work hard every day and put their skills to the test that aren’t taught by some liberal college professor. That’s why he wants you to go to college. He wants to remake you in his image. I want to create jobs so people can remake their children into their image, not his.

Rick in PA

Dear Rick,

First, we note that President Obama’s commitment to making higher education more affordable is remarkably similar to the “commitment to ensuring that every Pennsylvanian has access to higher education” you claimed during your 2006 Senate campaign. Since then, you have established a reputation for insulting colleges and universities. In your now infamous 2008 speech at Ave Maria University, you claimed Satan had taken over academia. And just last week you said the country needs a leader who came from the coal fields and steel mills, although you did not mention that you were referring to your grandfather. Your father was a psychologist, your mother a nurse, and you a lawyer before your career as a politician. In that same speech, you claimed that Republicans are the real scientists because they deny the scientific evidence for climate change. Someone is “denying the existence of truth,” as you said in your Ave Maria University speech, but we suggest that someone is you.

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Dear Ms. Crissie,

You missed my point. We have an opportunity here in America, in this election, to stand up for working men and women and manufacturing and energy. To create jobs from the bottom up. As the Wall Street Journal called our plan: supply-side economics for the working man. To go out here in states like Michigan and Ohio and Pennsylvania. To go across this country and talk to minority communities, not about giving them more food stamps and government dependency, but about creating jobs so that they can participate in the rise of this country.

Rick in PA

Dear Rick,

We shall set aside, for the moment, your comments on race and first look at your economic proposals. You claim your plan would create jobs because it cuts the corporate tax rate in half, and the tax rate for manufacturers to zero, but the Tax Policy Center reviewed your plan and found that it would increase the federal deficit by $1.3 trillion as compared to current law. Like other Republican plans, yours gives more money to the wealthy, cutting taxes for the top 1% by over $340,000 and for the top 0.1% by over $1 million. Your plan would also eliminate the estate tax, ensuring the wealthiest American families keep even more money. Meanwhile, you oppose labor unions, arguing that “union employees make above their private-sector equivalents.” All in all, you would condemn those without higher education to working poverty …

… and you sell that to working class whites with racially-charged statements that link “minorities,” “food stamps,” and “government dependency.” Yet again, we congratulate you … for being exactly wrong.

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Dear Ms. Crissie,

Please tell me Chef’s choice of a breakfast smoothie recipe is not related to a common Google search result regarding Rick in PA.

Smoothly Wary in Blogistan

Dear Smoothly Wary,

We assure you that Chef’s recipe bears no relation to that Google search result. To make her Berry Breakfast Smooth, put ½ cup each of frozen blueberries, strawberries, and blackberries in a blender. Add 1 cup each of milk and cranberry juice, and 2 cups of ice. Blend until smooth and pour into two tall glasses. Bon appétit!

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Sources:

Rick in PA on health care; liberal college conspiracy; commitment to ensuring that every Pennsylvanian has access to higher education; Satan has taken over academia; leader from the coal fields and steel mills; minority communities, food stamps, government dependency; tax plan would add $1.3 trillion to deficit; over $1 million tax cut for top 0.1%; union employees make above their private-sector equivalents.

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Happy Sunday!