“Tom Brady was drafted in the sixth round,” Professor Plum announced. “Last night he threw for six TDs, and his QB rating was one-thirty-seven point six.”

Okay then. (More)

“Oh, and the Broncos got stomped,” Professor Plum added. He and Ms. Scarlet then left to join the resident faculty in the wine cellar library, to spend the weekend drinking thinking on our motto of Magis vinum, magis verum (“More wine, more truth”).

The Professor of Astrology Janitor did not get stomped in the staff poker game. He called Chef’s opening raise, and called Chef again when the Ace and King of Spades and Six of Hearts came on the flop. Chef bet yet again when the Ten of Hearts came on the turn, and again the Professor of Astrology called. When the Nine of Clubs fell on the river, Chef checked. The Professor of Astrology pushed his remaining chips into the pot. “I’ll fold to your three Sixes,” Chef said as she turned up her Ace and King of Hearts. Her read was correct, and the Professor of Astrology began his plaintive mewling. Chef left for the kitchen to make a Denver Omelet With No Turnovers, leaving your lowly mail room clerk to review the week’s correspondence….

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Dear Ms. Crissie,

I’ve sponsored a bill to punish transgendered people who don’t use the bathroom that matches their birth certificate. I believe if I was standing at a dressing room and my wife or one of my daughters was in the dressing room and a man tried to go in there – I don’t care if he thinks he’s a woman and tries on clothes with them in there – I’d just try to stomp a mudhole in him and then stomp him dry. Don’t ask me to adjust to their perverted way of thinking and put my family at risk. We cannot continue to let these people dominate how society acts and reacts. Now if somebody thinks he’s a woman and he’s a man and wants to try on women’s clothes, let him take them into the men’s bathroom or dressing room. Don’t you agree that society should stop this menace?

Richard in TN

Dear Richard,

We agree that society should stop a menace. Specifically, we believe society should stop the menace of bigoted men lurking outside women’s bathrooms and dressing rooms, waiting to attack women whom you think don’t look feminine enough. And that is the only standard you can apply. Tennessee law allows transgendered persons to change the gender on their driver’s licenses, and the federal government allows transgendered persons to change their gender on Social Security records. While Tennessee does not allow transgendered persons to change their birth certificates, almost no one carries his/her birth certificate as identification. So, again, you would be lurking outside women’s bathrooms and dressing rooms, waiting to attack women whom you think don’t look feminine enough. We conclude that women in Tennessee have far more to fear from people like you.

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Dear Ms. Crissie,

Speaking of identification, did you see I proved how easy it is to commit voter fraud? My operative was even able to get a ballot for an 84-year-old man who died months ago. This proves every state should have voter ID laws. We must stomp out voter fraud.

James in NJ

Dear James,

We agree that you proved criminals can commit crimes. In fact, your operatives committed crimes merely by intentionally using false information to receive ballots. We also note that you did not get the ballot of an 84-year-old man who died months ago, but instead got the ballot of a 23-year-old man who is very much alive, because you didn’t check the middle initials. So you proved that purging dead people from the voter registration rolls can easily purge living voters instead. But you did not prove that voter ID laws prevent more fraudulent votes than they disenfranchise legitimate voters. Given that proven cases of voter fraud are extremely rare, we conclude voter ID laws remain a solution in search of a problem, in terms of the rationale offered by their advocates. This suggests their actual rationale is to disenfranchise the poor, persons of color, women, young voters, and others whom Republicans know are likely to vote for Democrats, or whom Republicans don’t believe should be voting anyway. We prefer to stomp out bigotry.

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Dear Ms. Crissie,

I agree that we must stomp out bigotry. The challenge we have is anti-Christian bigotry that has forced the Catholic Church to close its adoption service in Massachusetts because it actually wanted to follow the tenets of Christianity. And you look all all around this country and you see again and again, whether its a judge knocking down a cross… If I am your President, if you help me win this election, we will not tolerate a speech dictatorship in this country against Christianity. I’ll also stomp down on liberals in government. I think an intelligent conservative wants the right federal employees delivering the right services in a highly efficient way and then wants to get rid of those folks who are in fact wasteful, or those folks who are ideologically so far to the left, or those people who want to frankly dictate to the rest of us.

Newt in GA

Dear Newt,

We meant a different kind of bigotry. For example, the Catholic Church closed their adoption services in Massachusetts because they could not receive state funds and also discriminate against lesbian, gay, and transgendered applicants. They had the option to continue that discrimination without taking state funds. Instead they chose to close completely. The state’s refusal to do so is not “anti-Christian bigotry,” except in twisted persecution complex of those who believe Christians are entitled to dominate everyone else. As for your plan to fire liberal government employees, we note that federal law defines prohibited personnel practices to include discrimination on the basis of political affiliation and attempts to coerce political activity. You can no more fire liberal government workers than you can demand that judges come before Congress to explain decisions you dislike. As you claim to be a historian, you should know that Americans stomped out such despotism over 200 years ago.

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Dear Ms. Crissie,

Were Professor Plum’s statistics and the Professor of Astrology Janitor’s winning poker hand hints that Tom Brady is the Anti-Tebow? Also, how does Chef make a Denver Omelet With No Turnovers?

Patriotically Hungry in Blogistan

Dear Patriotically Hungry,

We try not to guess the mind of Professor Plum or infer theological significance in the Professor of Astrology Janitor winning with three Sixes, though we note that Tom Brady played very well last night. As for how to make a Denver Omelet With No Turnovers, Chef says to keep Tim Tebow out of the kitchen.

Chef then winked and gave the actual recipe, which is very easy. First beat 8 eggs in a bowl with ½ cup half-and-half until light and fluffy. Next stir in 1 cup shredded cheddar cheese, 1 cup of finely-chopped cooked ham, and ¼ cup each of minced onion and green pepper. Pour into a greased 9-by-9-inch baking dish, and bake at 400° for 25 minutes or until set. Cut into squares and serve. Bon appétit!

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Sources:

Tom Brady sixes.

Richard in TN; Tennessee law on gender change.

James in NJ; 23-year-old man who is very much alive; voter fraud extremely rare; don’t believe should be voting anyway.

Newt in GA; liberals in government; twisted persecution complex; prohibited personnel practices.

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Happy Sunday!