“Shhhh,” Professor Plum said as he walked into the mail room. We asked if he had a headache after the New Year’s Eve festivities. “No,” he said. “But I read the mail.” (More)

It seems that although he and the staff gave your lowly mail room clerk a lock box for the campus mail, Professor Plum kept a copy of the key. He said he used the key to test the lock and then put it on his keyring without thinking about it. We have our doubts. Regardless, he turned over the key and then left with Ms. Scarlet to join the rest of the resident faculty in the wine cellar library, where they’ll spend the weekend drinking thinking on the BPI motto of Magis vinum, magis verum (“More wine, more truth”).

The Professor of Astrology Janitor was not amused by the interruption, as the staff poker game had reached a critical hand. He had played his pair of Aces well, raising to open and raising again when the Ace of Hearts and Queen and Jack of Spades came on the flop. The Ten of Spades on the turn was worrisome, so he checked and called Chef’s small bet. The Ten of Diamonds on the river gave the Professor of Astrology a full house, and he bet all his chips. When Chef called, he began his signature plaintive mewling before even seeing her cards. Of course she had the Ace and King of Spades for a royal flush. She left for the kitchen to prepare Breakfast Pigs in a Blanket, leaving your lowly mail room clerk to review the week’s correspondence….

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Dear Ms. Crissie,

I’m writing to warn people about the Girl Scouts. They claim to be a politically neutral organization and take no stand on issues like abortion or same-sex relationships, yet they partner with Planned Parenthood and their heroes list includes Marxists, labor leaders, existentialists, and at least four four known lesbians. We must stop this liberal conspiracy to undermine Christian values.

Sydney in TX

Dear Sydney,

We applaud your willingness, as a teenage girl, to speak out for your values. That said, we also note that your description of the Girl Scouts is very incomplete. Yes, the Girl Scouts do partner with Planned Parenthood in some activities. They also partner with corporations like AT&T and Lockheed Martin, government agencies like the National Science Foundation and Department of Justice, and civic groups ranging from the American Heart Association to UNICEF. They celebrate a wide range of women, from suffragettes who helped guarantee women the right to vote, to civil rights activists who helped women and minorities gain more equal opportunity, to athletes, teachers, scientists, and religious and political leaders. The Girl Scouts are not a religious organization, and their mission is not to teach Christian values. Their mission is to build “girls of courage, confidence, and character, who make the world a better place.”

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Dear Ms. Crissie,

That’s the kind of collectivist thinking that will have Americans rioting in the streets. If you want to use your property, you have to get a lot of permits. If you’re in the development business, from the low-level all the way to the top, you have to get permission from the federal government … I’m fearful because some people would like us to go all the way to the UN and have the UN controlling our lands, too. Freedom has been tested just rather rarely in all of history. In most of history, 90-99 percent of the time, people have had to live under dictatorships. Our system was the greatest and I fear that we’re going to give it up. And as it’s given up, if we don’t deal with these problems, I am afraid that there will be more violence.

Ron in TX

Dear Ron,

We understand your fear of losing yet another presidential election. We also note that “some people” propose making all Americans comply with Biblical law, and even advocate capital punishment for adultery, heresy, and violating the Sabbath. Your campaign boasted about their endorsement until it became politically unpopular, at which point you deleted that page without any public statement to renounce those views. We think the risk of “some people” successfully requiring UN permits for property development pales in comparison to the risk of “some people” using a neutered federal government to impose corporate or religious rule.

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Dear Ms. Crissie,

You clearly don’t understand the dangers America faces. It’s all part – it’s all part of a massive Obama conspiracy to deceive voters and hide his true intentions to destroy the Second Amendment in our country. Before the President was even sworn into office, they met and they hatched a conspiracy of public deception to try to guarantee his re-election in 2012. Then he’ll reveal his true agenda and break the back of the Second Amendment. If you don’t agree with us, we’ll know you’re part of the media conspiracy to conceal the truth!

Wayne in VA

Dear Wayne,

We agree that we are part of a media conspiracy to report facts rather than fevered speculation. For example, we note that former NRA chief Ray Arnet said that “You keep any special interest group alive by nurturing the crisis atmosphere,” and that you continue the fundraising practice that author Osha Gray Davidson described as “The Armageddon Appeal.” We also note that gun ownership in the U.S. has declined steadily since the late 1970s, though we will not speculate on whether that fact has any influence on your increasingly disconnected rants.

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Dear Ms. Crissie,

I wrote the first draft of this in invisible ink. But the ink really is invisible and I can’t read it, so I don’t remember what I said, other than asking for Chef’s Breakfast Pigs in a Blanket recipe.

Invisibly Hungry in Blogistan

Dear Invisibly Hungry,

Your first draft also asked whether BPI’s Fizzix Department has developed a machine that monitors handwritten messages in invisible ink. They have not, so you can relax. As for Chef’s Breakfast Pigs in a Blanket, first cook twelve links of breakfast sausage. While they are cooking, mix 2 cups of pancake mix with 1½ cups of milk. This will be slightly thinner than regular pancake batter, making it easier to wrap the pancakes around the sausages. Cook twelve ¼ cup pancakes on a buttered griddle until golden brown, then place on a wire rack to cool. Wrap one pancake around each sausage link and place them seam-side down in a buttered baking dish, then cover with foil and bake at 350° for 15 minutes. Don’t tell anyone, but Chef sprinkles hers with a secret topic of powdered sugar. Bon appétit!

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Sources:

Tess and Sydney; partner with Planned Parenthood; heroines list; Girl Scout partners; Girl Scout mission.

Ron in TX; “some people;” deleted that page.

Wayne in VA; Armageddon Appeal; decline in American gun ownership.

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Happy New Year!