I have long maintained that, as BPI’s roving reporter, “I don’t break the news; it was already broken.” However, my internet search turned up no reference to the memorandum I found tucked under my garden gnome this morning. So I think this might actually be breaking news:
From: Plutocrats United
To: Republican Presidential Candidates
Subj: Operation SHUT UP
Just a quick note to congratulate most of you on your excellent work in the debates. Last night you outdid yourselves, with some of the most ridiculous statements yet.
Special congratulations go to Rep. Bachmann for saying President Obama lets the ACLU handle terrorist interrogations, and to Gov. Perry for raising the specter of Islamic militants infiltrating Latin America. Those are exactly the kind of head-shaking-jaw-dropping-did-I-really-just-hear-that statements we asked for in Operation SHUT UP.
We’d also like to thank Rick Santorum and Herman Cain for the discussion of profiling radical Muslims at airports. Neither of you took the bait when questioned on how TSA employees could identify radical Muslims, or Muslims in general, leaving viewers properly confused. Also a nod to Wolf Blitzer for calling Cain “Congressman,” and to Cain for calling Blitzer “Blitz.”
That said, there were some mistakes. Jon Huntsman, you sounded entirely too rational. Remember, the objective of Operation SHUT UP, per our original instruction memo, is: “to hold so many debates – with so many statements that make sense only if you’re the kind of person who can brush his teeth with Preparation H, use toothpaste on his hemorrhoids, and not notice the difference – that Americans decide they would rather be governed by the results of a blindfolded monkey throwing balls of feces at pages torn from the 1969 phone book of Toad Suck, Arkansas – no offense to Toad Suckians, whom we’re sure are very nice people – than endure another election campaign.”
We already have the constitutional amendment drafted to end this misery by choosing presidents and members of Congress from the boards of directors of the Forbes 100 list, by shareholder vote, thus installing the kind of government God intended when He created the free market. But you have to do your part. Make Americans hate the thought of elections so much they’d rather ride a pogo stick over a road paved with fresh elephant dung to get a root canal from Orly Taitz.
You still have thirteen more debates in this primary season. We’re sure you can do it.
And I thought they had no plan at all.
Good day and good nuts.