Professor Plum walked into the mail room without macadamias. At least he didn’t find the mail from the Republicans’ Thanksgiving Family Debate. Facepaw. (More)

Or maybe Professor Plum heard that Chef and Mrs. Squirrel agreed we’re not supposed to eat just because we’re grumpy. Okay, fine. And we admit there are other ways to relax, like watching as Ms. Scarlet sang a lullaby for the twins, Nancy and Michelle. After the girls cooed and fell asleep, Ms. Scarlet and Professor Plum left to join the rest of the resident faculty in the wine cellar library, where they’ll spend the weekend drinking thinking on our motto of Magis vinum, magis verum (“More wine, more truth”).

The twins were in the mail room because Mrs. Squirrel needed a full night’s sleep. We postponed the staff poker game after agreeing the girls were far too young to watch that, which gave Chef and the Professor of Astrology Janitor time to plan the campus Thanksgiving dinner. Going over the recipes made Chef and the Professor of Astrology Janitor hungry, so they left to make Apple Pie French Toast. With the twins asleep in Ms. Crissie’s lap, that left your lowly roving reporter to review the week’s correspondence….

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Dear Ms. Crissie Squirrel,

We must end the censorship of Christian pastors by the IRS. Here’s what I said in yesterday’s Thanksgiving Family Values debate:

Herman in GA

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Dear Herman,

Ms. Crissie said we’re supposed to begin by finding something to agree about, but we can’t. Everything you said is false. U.S. Code Section 501(c)(3) exempts churches and similar charities from federal taxes, so long as are bona fide religious organizations and do not participate in campaigns for or against any candidate for public office. There is no legal restriction on discussing contemporary political issues, or advocating for or against legislation, and tax exempt churches routinely do. Tax exempt churches also can and do provide voter guides that list the issues the church believes are important and the candidates’ positions on those issues. The law requires only that the tax exempt church’s voter guide include all candidates for a given office, and not explicitly endorse or oppose any candidate. Churches can already do the things you said they can’t do. You could learn these things if you researched actual U.S. tax law instead of the default settings for SimCity.

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Dear Ms. Crissie Squirrel,

I have a message for Occupy Wall Street protesters: “Get a job, right after you get a bath.”

Newt in GA

Dear Newt,

We were unaware that people had to present tax receipts before using public parks or public restrooms. We were probably unaware of that because you’re just making stuff up, like your charge that Occupy protesters believe “society should give them everything.” The Occupy movement is, at its core, about the corruption of government by wealthy special interests. It was that very sort of corruption, by wealthy aristocrats who wanted to rule in idle luxury while their farm hands grew the food, that led Jamestown Captain John Smith to declare “If you don’t work, you don’t eat.” As for your advice that Occupy protesters “Get a job, right after you take a bath,” data show the ratio of unemployed people to job openings is almost 5:1. What should the other four do?

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Dear Ms. Crissie Squirrel,

I think the most important thing is to stop taxpayer subsidized abortions under Obamacare.

Michele in MN

Dear Michele,

Is making stuff up a job requirement for your party? Or did you hear that from the same seven-foot tall doctor who told you the IRS now has to approve medical treatment? The Hyde Amendment prohibits the use of taxpayer funds for abortions. That has been attached to every funding bill for the Department of Health and Human Services since 1976. Perhaps you were away on your home planet when the Affordable Care Act was passed, but there was a big debate about it. Some Democrats even said they would vote against the bill unless it forbid subsidized health insurance from covering abortions, until they were convinced that the Hyde Amendment already did that. If you’re going to run for office here on earth, you should probably visit more often.

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Dear Ms. Crissie Squirrel,

Thanks for letting mom sleep through the night. I told her the babies were asleep on Ms. Crissie’s lap, so she’s making breakfast. I suggested Chef’s Apple Pie French Toast, but mom doesn’t know the recipe. How does Chef make that?

Anonymous in Blogistan

Dear Anonymous Regis,

You could just ask your mom to come in and have breakfast with the rest of us. That way she wouldn’t have to cook. But since others might want this Thanksgiving season breakfast treat, Chef says it’s easy. First slice, peel, and core 2 granny smith apples. Next simmer them in 2 tablespoons of butter along with 2 tablespoons of brown sugar, 1 teaspoon of flour, and ¼ cup of water, for 10-15 minutes, until the apples are tender. Make French toast as you usually would, and top with the caramelized apples and – our favorite part – chopped walnuts. Bon appétit!

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Sources:

Herman in GA – IRS rules on churches and politics; SimCity tax plan.

Newt in GA – corruption of government by wealthy special interests; ratio of unemployed people to job openings.

Michele in MN – seven-foot tall doctor; Hyde Amendment; applies to Affordable Care Act.

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Happy Sunday!