This week I’ve decided to take a break from my personal journey through Unoccupying My Too Big To Fail and jump aboard the Conservative Clown Car and Traveling Freak Show for a few laps around the track.

I need to start with Pizza Minstrel and Luckiest Lothario to ever hit the political sphere – Herman Cain. Who could have imagined a scant three years ago that a black candidate for the presidency would actually benefit from accusations of sexual harassment? Or, better yet, find aid and comfort in a safe haven comprised of racists, misogynists, hate-mongers and xenophobes?

I’ve somehow slipped through a wormhole in the time-space continuum and landed in a Hunter S. Thompson Fear and Loathing alternate universe, unarmed with the comforts of booze, acid, coke and guns which one requires when venturing into Gonzo land. So, I turned to an unfamiliar aid that I figured might better prepare me for a joyride through Conservativeland … The Old Testament.

And man, was that the right pick. I didn’t get real far before stumbling across Herman’s story. Well, heck, no wonder this guy’s been running around the country bashing Barack Obama. Dude stole his birthright. Yup, it says so in the last line of The Good Book (conveniently available at almost half price!): “It’s obvious; I’m the president of the United States of America!” See? What the heck is that fake black fella doing in his White House? Why he oughta

I read on with rapt fascination of the scofflaw with a really real fixation on other guys’ animals, usurping Moses’ sea-parting leadership, not to mention his old smokin’ bush miracle. Whoa, this guy Herman even talks with God, which sorta explains the rapid rise to glory.

Spoiler alert: I hear this tale ends when the Big 9-9-9 turns über Nein, Nein, Nein before flipping on its head to a devilish mirror image and the unfaithful start paging Bible Spice!