“Olive juice. Miss car led,” Professor Plum said. When we asked what he meant, he held up two Aces and added, “Pair of deez.” (More)

Apparently he’d been to the Bad Lip Reading channel at YouTube, where the latest hilarity includes Herman Cain saying “Mexican people don’t eat sugar, especially when it’s a mixture of lice and tiger DNA,” and “Everybody needs toucan stubs.” Noting that Bad Lip Reading works by substituting words that lip-read the same as the actual words, we translated his initial comments: “I love you, Ms. Scarlet” and “parodies.”

Clearly, Professor Plum found the mail. We would have chided the Squirrel about that, but he’s been busy with the new babies, Nancy and Michelle. He has his priorities in order, unlike the Professor of Astrology Janitor, who was more concerned with his own parodies. More correctly, he had a pair of these, being Kings, which looked like a good hand on a Jack-Eight-Four flop. He called when Chef bet cautiously, correctly deducing that she had a Jack and wanting to string her along. After an Ace fell on the turn and Chef bet again, he decided Chef thought he didn’t have an Ace and was still betting a pair of Jacks. He was partly correct. Chef thought he didn’t have an Ace, and she did have a Jack. She also had an Ace. This revelation cued his plaintive mewling, which sent Chef to the kitchen to make Fat-Free Apple Banana Muffins and left your lowly mail room clerk to review the week’s correspondence….

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Dear Ms. Crissie,

I don’t understand why those Occupy Wall Street don’t protest George Soros instead of Goldman Sachs. Soros is behind a global communist conspiracy to levy a global tax on financial transactions. We’ve got chapter and verse. We’ve got the hardcore documentation about how a global tax […] has been the ultimate objective that will generate not only more money for, I guess, more stimulus plans here at home, but for international financial institutions and international agencies like the UN itself, the International Monetary Fund, the World Bank and so on and so forth. Why can’t the OWS protesters see the real enemy?

Cliff in D.C.

Dear Cliff,

We understand your frustration. During your years at Accuracy In Media, you have often found it difficult to get the rest of the world to listen to your theories, such as that President Clinton murdered Vince Foster, that Hillary Clinton is a lesbian, President Obama is a Muslim, and that the Catholic Church has been hijacked by Marxist elements and is using Latino immigrants to invade the U.S. And you even went to the trouble to draw all of those ovals and boxes and lines, which is clear and compelling evidence of your graphic layout skills. We can only conclude that the Occupy Wall Street protesters, along with most of the media and most other Americans, think “evidence” means something more than a mind-map of fact-free paranoia.

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Dear Ms. Crissie,

I’m concerned about the number of American families with two working parents. This didn’t happen back in the 1950s, and the reason is taxes. Back in the 1950s, the average amount of taxes that the average family paid was 5% overall. My father, an Air Force sergeant, could have a wife and four children and the wife didn’t have to work because you paid 5% for your overall tax burden. We need to lower taxes so women can stay home and raise their children.

Michele in MN

Dear Michele,

We see that you also appreciate fact-free arguments. Independent analysts at the non-profit Tax Foundation found that the average family’s tax rate in the 1950s was 24.6%, almost five times the mythical number you cite from the conservative Taxpayers League of Minnesota. Your campaign did produce two spreadsheets, with no sources cited, which showed that income taxes totaled only 5.8% of Gross Domestic Product in 1950. However, that proves nothing about the average family’s tax burden, as GDP calculations include corporate profits, investment income, and other factors that do not correlate to household incomes. We note that in your case, Bad Lip Reading makes as much sense as your actual statements.

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Deer miss croissants.

Ow! Ooh. Eye makeup fact. Free a pull banning air muffs.

Bad Libs Breeding in Blogistan

Dear Bad Libs Breeding,

We presume you asked “How do I make Fat-Free Apple Banana Muffins?” Thankfully, that recipe is easier than translating bad lip reading. After preheating the oven to 325° and lightly greasing a muffin pan, combine 2 cups of flour, 4 teaspoons of baking powder, ½ teaspoon of ground cinnamon, and ½ cup of sugar in a large bowl. Then add 1½ cups of apple juice, 1 diced apple, and 2 mashed ripe bananas and mix well. Pour the batter into the muffin pan, filling each cup about ⅔ full. Bake for 35-45 minutes, until the muffins rise and are golden-brown. Bon appétit!

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Sources:

Cliff in D.C.; conspiracy theories.

Michele in MN; Taxpayers League of Minnesota.

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Happy Sunday!