Professor Plum had Monopoly money bulging from his pockets and clenched a prop cigar above his flowing white beard. “I’m Establishment Claus,” he said.(More)

He was either trying out a Halloween costume or telling us he’d found the mail. After seeing the staff were duly impressed, Professor Plum and Ms. Scarlet left to join the other resident faculty in the wine cellar library, where they’ll spend the weekend drinking thinking on our motto of Magis vinum, magis verum (“More wine, more truth”). We’re not surprised Professor Plum found the mail, as the Squirrel wasn’t here to hide it. As our newly-designated class war correspondent, the Squirrel is on the front lines in New York City. Chef even dipped into her poker money retirement fund to buy him a squirrel-sized khaki journalist vest, with lots of pockets for his Blewberry and macadamias. When the Professor of Astrology Janitor heard about that, he knew how Chef intended to replenish her account. She didn’t even make a pretense of paging through recipe books during the staff poker game, and he quickly began his plaintive mewling. Chef headed for the kitchen to make Eggs Over Cheesy, leaving your lowly mail room clerk to review the week’s correspondence….

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Dear Ms. Crissie,

You liberals don’t understand the Constitution. Mitt Romney’s religion is a legitimate political issue because the purpose of the First Amendment is to protect the free exercise of the Christian religion. One evidence that the Founding Fathers weren’t even intending to deal with non-Christian religions is what they did with Mormonism in the latter part of the nineteenth century. Mormonism – they call themselves by the name of Christ, but it is not an orthodox Christian network of churches, it just is not. Mormonism is not an orthodox Christian faith. And don’t even talk about Muslims. Christians and Muslims do not believe in the same God. Every single Mosque in America is a potential recruiting or training cell for Islamic terror. But God and baseball will protect us. You remember that the week after 9/11 Major League Baseball converted the seventh inning stretch from the singing of “Take Me Out To The Ballgame” to the singing of “God Bless America.” Now “God Bless America” is not just a song, it is a prayer. When we sing that we are inviting God to bless America, to stand beside her and to guide her through the night with a light from above. I think that those prayers have been heard and they have been answered.

Brian in ID

Dear Brian,

We congratulate the United States Postal Service on anticipating your rise to celebrity when they were choosing the two-letter abbreviation for Idaho. Id, indeed. As for your arguments, we think it impossible to find evidence for the Framers’ intent in the federal response to Mormonism, as none of the Framers was still alive in the latter half of the nineteenth century. However, the Framers did address Islam. The Virginia Legislature, while debating Thomas Jefferson’s proposed Bill for Establishing Religious Freedoms in 1786, expressly rejected proposals to exclude Judaism, Islam and other non-Christian religions. Massachusetts and other states had similar debates in drafting their states’ freedom of religion clauses, and reached the same conclusions. To argue they presumed the First Amendment’s Establishment and Free Exercise Clauses applied only to Christianity is either ignorant or delusional. As you claim the post-9/11 change to the seventh-inning stretch protected our nation from terrorism, we lean toward delusional.

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Dear Ms. Crissie,

I for one am increasingly concerned about the growing mobs occupying Wall Street and the other cities across the country. Believe it or not, some in Washington have actually condoned the pitting of Americans against Americans. As I warned last month, the strategy to achieve the progressive left’s endgame is simple. First comes the provocative class warfare rhetoric. Second comes the vast assumption of government control over the economy. Third comes the growth of government spending and entitlements. And alas, higher taxes on our nation’s job creators and workers.

Eric in VA

Dear Eric,

We share your concern with political leaders pitting Americans against Americans. For example, in 2009 when mobs of protesters marched on the Capitol and in other cities, you called it an “awakening in America” and praised them for “fighting on the fighting lines of what we know is a battle for our democracy.” Last November, you called those mobs “the tip of the spear.” It seems you are not worried about mobs or even violent rhetoric … so long as the mob advocates for your political worldview.

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Dear Ms. Crissie,

Please tell Professor Plum that I applaud his costume. Eric in VA and his mob seem to think the Establishment Clause enshrines the rights of Wall Street bankers and corporate CEOs. Also, please thank Chef for sending me that vest. I feel more like a class war correspondent now. Last night I ducked to avoid flying shrapnel. Then I realized it was just that another reporter had dropped his pen cap. By the way, how does Chef make those Eggs Over Cheesy? I have macadamias in almost every vest pocket, but the troops here might like the recipe.

The Squirrel From OWS

Dear Squirrel,

We are pleased to hear that your war correspondent vest has proven so useful. As for Chef’s recipe, first melt a tablespoon of butter in a skillet on medium-low heat. While the butter is melting, slice a Roma tomato very thinly and lightly season the slices with salt and black pepper. Carefully crack the eggs into the skillet, keeping the yolks intact. Once the egg whites have set, flip the eggs with a spatula, lay a slice of provolone cheese on each egg, and top with two tomato slices. When the cheese begins to melt, the eggs will be ready. Bon appétit!

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Sources:

Brian in ID; Islam; Baseball; Framers and Islam.

Eric in VA; progressive left’s endgame; support for mob protests.

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Happy Sunday!