No one would mistake Professor Plum for Ricardo Montalban. Not even in a white suit. Not even with Ms. Scarlet saying “The plane! The plane!” (More)

We assured the Squirrel there was no need to pull out his Blewberry and text an explanation. We already knew he was busy this week. After all, it takes time to find new reasons to procrastinate on his research. Instead, we suggested that he consider hiding the mail as an opportunity to procrastinate next week. With that settled, Professor Plum and Ms. Scarlet left to join the resident faculty in the mail room library, where they’ll spend the weekend drinking thinking on our motto of Magis vinum, magis verum (“More wine, more truth”).

Meanwhile, the Professor of Astrology Janitor was indulging his own fantasy with a series of winning bluffs. We thought about telling him that he might be winning all of those small pots because no one else had a hand either, but why interrupt his dream? Reality would do that soon enough, and it did when he tried to bluff a Spade flush on an Ace-King-Queen flop with all Spades. He seemed convinced the flop gave Chef a pair or two, perhaps three of a kind, or at most an Ace-high straight with a Jack and Ten of some other suit. He was partly right. She indeed held a Jack and Ten. Alas, they were Spades and her royal flush was no mere fantasy. Too shocked to even begin his plaintive mewling, he simply applauded as Chef went to the kitchen to make Cinnamon Sticky Biscuits. That left your lowly mail room clerk to review the week’s correspondence….


Dear Ms. Crissie,

Contrary to liberal hysteria, I did not say I would lower the minimum wage. I simply said I’m not married to anything and I want to bring advisers in from labor and from manufacturers and from the service industry and financial services. I want to know what they know, because that’s what we’ve been missing from President Obama. He has virtually no one in his Cabinet with private sector experience. I want to bring people who know how to create jobs into my administration.

Michele in MN

Dear Michele,

We concede that you have not expressly called for lowering the minimum wage. However, we also note that you have been asked about this several times, and you never rule it out. For example, when ABC’s George Stephanopoulos asked in June about your claim that eliminating the minimum wage would “virtually wipe out unemployment,” you replied that you would look at “all regulations.” We also note that ABC fact-checked your claim about the minimum wage and found even the Heritage Foundation gave you only a 5 of 10 on their truth scale, noting that reducing the minimum wage may slightly boost hiring for teens seeking first jobs. The Economic Policy Institute was even harsher, calling you “completely wrong” based on research that shows higher wages stimulate consumer demand, thus businesses need to hire more workers. Cutting the minimum wage to create jobs is, simply, a conservative fantasy.


Dear Ms. Crissie,

Forget the minimum wage. The real threat is President Obama’s under the radar plan to take away Americans’ guns through a United Nations treaty on arms sales. To you and me, the word “arms” means tanks, fighter jets, missiles, that kind of thing. But look no further than the U.N. plaza to see what the silk-stocking set considers “arms.” There you will find a bronze statue of a simple .38 revolver — with its barrel tied into a knot. Remember no other country in the world enjoys America’s constitutional right to keep and bear arms. This is why the vast majority of U.N. diplomats believe that an arms trade treaty must reach into your gun safe and mine. There is little question that this treaty would require additional restrictions on our Second Amendment rights.

Chuck in TX

Dear Chuck,

We admit there is little question that many cling to fantasies about President Obama’s “under the radar” plans to take away Americans’ guns, and believe a UN Arms Trade Treaty will do that. However, the proposed treaty explicitly applies only to international sales, and recognizes each country’s right “to regulate internal transfers of arms and national ownership, including through national constitutional protections on private ownership, exclusively within their territory.” In short, your argument about the treaty is as true as claims that Halley’s Comet was created when you rolled the world’s largest snowball and hurled it into space.


Dear Ms. Crissie,

Since you’re dispelling fantasies, I’d like to include the fantasy that I would support a federal right-to-work law. If there were to be a federal right-to-work law that reached my desk, I would support it. But the right approach is a state by state approach at this stage. I’m a Tenth Amendment guy. I’d like the states to be the place we carry out this path. I’ve also made it easier for you to identify my residence, since I own homes in Massachusetts, New Hampshire, and California.

Mitt in La MANHCA

Dear Mitt,

We admit to some confusion here. You would not support a federal right-to-work bill, except to sign it into law, despite Tenth Amendment concerns about its constitutionality? Why not simply admit that you will say whatever you think is most likely to gain support with any audience? Of course, such an admission might be a blemish, for which the Spanish word is mancha.


Dear Ms. Crissie,

So Mitt is a misspelled blemish? That explains a lot more than his explanation, actually. Regardless, how do I make those Cinnamon Sticky Biscuits?

Impossibly Dreaming in Blogistan

Dear Impossibly Dreaming,

This is a surprisingly easy recipe. First put 2 Tablespoons of butter, ¼ cup of brown sugar, and 1 Tablespoon of honey in an 8×8-inch non-stick baking pan. Preheat an oven to 350° and place the pan in the oven until the glaze ingredients melt and blend. Next combine 2 cups of flour, 1 Tablespoon of baking powder, 1 Tablespoon of sugar, ¼ teaspoon of salt in a large bowl. Stir in ¾ cup of milk, and ¼ cup of canola oil until you have a soft dough. Then place the dough on a lightly-floured surface and pat or roll into a 9×14-inch rectangle. Sprinkle with a mixture of ½ cup brown sugar, ½ teaspoon cinnamon, and ¼ cup raisins, then tightly roll from either long side into a log. Cut 9 biscuits with dental floss or a serrated knife, and place the biscuits cut side down in the baking pan atop the melted glaze. Bake for 20 minutes, until golden and bubbly. Then invert the baking pan onto a platter and serve the warm biscuits glazed side up. Bon appétit!



Michele in MN; fact-checking the minimum wage.

Chuck in TX; the UN Arms Trade Treaty; Halley’s Comet.

Mitt of La MANHCA; mancha.


Happy Sunday!