“Boo!” we thought we heard, maybe. A few minutes, Professor Plum came in to ask if anyone had jumped. “It was a science experiment,” he explained. (More)

It seems Professor Plum has been reading about quantum entanglement and decided to investigate what Albert Einstein called “spooky action at a distance.” He was standing outside beside the hot tub faculty lounge when he yelled “Boo!” None of the staff jumped, although the Squirrel did get an irate text from Mrs. Squirrel, who was awakened by the experiment. As Ms. Scarlet led Professor Plum to join the resident faculty in the wine cellar library where they’ll spend the weekend drinking thinking on our motto of Magis vinum, magis verum (“More wine, more truth”), the Squirrel apologized to Mrs. Squirrel for not hiding the mail.

None of this affected the staff poker game, where the Professor of Astrology Janitor was conducting his own experiment in spacetime distortion. He drew a graph with his frustration level on the vertical axis and the number of bad hands he was dealt on the horizontal axis. After fifteen consecutive bad hands, he crumpled the page and the two axes crossed, proving that frustration can distort a two-dimensional space. He then began his plaintive mewling, which sent Chef scurrying to the kitchen to make a Breakfast Fruit Salad. This left your lowly mail room clerk to review the week’s correspondence….

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Dear Ms. Crissie,

Why did some liberal mom make her child ask me how old the earth is? How old do I think the earth is? You know what, I don’t have any idea. I know it’s pretty old. So it goes back a long, long ways. I’m not sure anybody actually knows completely and absolutely how old the earth is. The mom was really asking about evolution. And you know, it’s a theory that is out there. It’s got some gaps in it. In Texas we teach both creationism and evolution in our public schools. Because I figure kids are smart enough to figure out which one is right. But I do believe that the issue of global warming has been politicized. I think there are a substantial number of scientists who have manipulated data so that they will have dollars rolling into their projects.

Rick in TX

Dear Rick,

We applaud your admission of ignorance. However, we also note that such ignorance is inexcusable in the modern era. A two-minute search of the Internet would lead you to a U.S. Geological Survey website which discusses how scientists used radiometric dating of meteorite, earth, and lunar samples to establish the age the earth as between 4.53 billion and 4.58 billion years old. Further, we question your claim that schools should teach a religious theory in a science class “because kids are smart enough to figure out which one is right.” Do Texas schools also teach science in comparative religion classes? Finally, we agree that the issue of climate change has been politicized … by conservatives who disagree with the scientific evidence and its implications for public policy. Indeed a Commerce Department Inspector General’s inquiry this year found no evidence that climate scientists inappropriately manipulated data. However, we doubt this will change your mind as you seem comfortable clinging to beliefs for which there is no evidence.

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Dear Ms. Crissie,

You tell him. I think there’s a serious problem. The minute that the Republican Party becomes the party – the anti-science party, we have a huge problem. We lose a whole lot of people who would otherwise allow us to win the election in 2012. When we take a position that isn’t willing to embrace evolution, when we take a position that basically runs counter to what 98 of 100 climate scientists have said, what the National Academy of Sciences has said about what is causing climate change and man’s contribution to it, I think we find ourselves on the wrong side of science, and, therefore, in a losing position….I can’t remember a time in our history where we actually were willing to shun science and become a – a party that – that was antithetical to science. I’m not sure that’s good for our future and it’s not a winning formula.

And look at the economic policy. I wouldn’t necessarily trust any of my opponents right now, who were on a recent debate stage with me, when every single one of them would have allowed this country to default. You can imagine, even given the uncertainty of the marketplace the last several days and even the last couple of weeks, if we had defaulted the first time in the history of the greatest country that ever was, being 25 percent of the world’s GDP and having the largest financial services sector in this world by a long shot, if we had defaulted, this marketplace would be in absolute turmoil. And people who are already losing enough as it is on their 401(k)s and retirement programs and home valuations, it would have been catastrophic.

Jon in UT

Dear Jon,

We are surprised that you cannot remember a time in our history that Republicans were willing to shun science. Perhaps you aren’t old enough to remember when then-Governor Ronald Reagan supported a lawsuit to force the teaching of creationism in California schools, but surely you are old enough to remember when President George W. Bush said “the jury is still out on evolution.” Again, perhaps you didn’t know that President Reagan rejected a scientific report on climate change and demanded that a new report be written that downplayed the risks, but surely you must have read that President Bush rejected the EPA’s Climate Action Report 2002 as “put out by the bureaucracy.” Perhaps you simply have a bad memory, as apparently you don’t remember when you joined the other GOP candidates in saying you would reject any federal budget that increased revenue, the issue that stymied the debt ceiling negotiations. And you said that just last week.

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Dear Ms. Crissie,

Republicans are not opposed to science. Just last week on my show, Fox News viewers said that scientists should research how to create jobs, or at least research weapons to fight off an alien invasion, rather than researching climate change. This came after I told them NASA funded a study that found aliens might invade earth if they saw our climate changing. So see, we respect science!

Megyn in FNC

Dear Megyn,

We note that you later admitted you made up the part about NASA funding that study. It was actually done by several scientists, without funding, in their free time. One of those scientists also works at NASA, but he noted that he had no support from NASA, used no NASA materials or information, and did it only “because I’m a geek and stuff like this is fun to think about.” We should also note that scientists routinely research how to create jobs. Much of that research concerns sustainable energy, infrastructure renewal, and other kinds of jobs that Republicans reject because the need is based on the evidence for climate change.

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Dear Ms. Crissie,

Umm, where is FNC? That’s not any state abbreviation I know. Also, what does Chef put in her Breakfast Fruit Salad?

State of Hunger in Blogistan

Dear State of Hunger,

FNC is the abbreviation for Fox News Channel, as Megyn does not publicize her state of residence. As for Breakfast Fruit Salad, Chef uses 1 diced red apple, 1 sliced banana, 1 diced orange, 1 sliced kiwi, 5 sliced strawberries, ½ cantaloupe diced, 1 cup of green grapes, and 1 cup of blueberries, stirred in a bowl with ½ cup of orange juice. Bon appétit!

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Sources:

Rick in TX; climate change; age of the earth; no evidence climate scientists manipulated data.

Jon in UT; Reagan, Bush on evolution; Reagan on climate change; Bush on climate change; would reject budget that increased revenue.

Megyn in FN; “because I’m a geek.”

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Happy Sunday!