It’s been a wonderful year for non-existence in movies and TV. If you think what they made was good – or bad – consider what they didn’t make…. (More)

Welcome back to the 3rd Annual BPI Awards, the curvaceous and coveted Bippies. Yesterday we honored the best of non-existence in ads. Today we take another break from reality to consider more fiction that did not exist: movies and TV series that were not made.

First, however, we should address the rumor that reality has begun to look like bad fiction because the Bippies ignore real fiction to honor fictitious fiction. There is no denying BPI’s impact on non-existence – yet again, every major entertainment media reporter is not here to cover the Bippies – but we reject the idea that honoring non-existent movies and TV shows encourages people to behave as if Realworldia does not exist. To quote our roving reporter: “I don’t break the news. It was already broken when I got there.”

And speaking of our roving reporter, let’s take another peek at Scenes of the Behind: The Making of the Bippies.

Squirrel@BPI: Thank you. I’m here again with Ms. Scarlet, the model for the curvaceous and coveted Bippie. I see that mold finally dried, Ms. Scarlet. Do you feel better?

Scarlet@BPI: Yes. What a relief.

Squirrel@BPI: What a relief, indeed. In the next step of the process, technicians from the BPI Fizzix Department scale the mold down to half size. Why is that?

Scarlet@BPI: First let me say why it’s not. It’s not because of my size.

Squirrel@BPI: I would never have considered that.

Scarlet@BPI: Of course you wouldn’t. Regardless, it’s just a practical issue. Our award winners don’t exist, so a full-sized trophy would be too heavy for them to lift.

Squirrel@BPI: I see. Wait. Actually, I don’t. Couldn’t a non-existent winner lift a non-existent trophy of any size?

Scarlet@BPI: That depends on how many angels can dance on the head of a pin.

It looks like they’ll be discussing that for awhile. We’ll check back with them later in the ceremony. As we noted yesterday, once again we’re not in the opulent Kodiak Theater. We’re revealing our Bippies online, so if you see any bear tracks you should probably move your computer. Now on to the awards. As always, the votes were tabulated in BPI’s state-of-the-art High-Energy Meta Mojo Elucidation Detector (HEMMED) Lab, and the results then sealed in Pootie the Precious’ litter box. We apologize for the smell.

So without further adieux, here are the nominees for the 2011 BPI Awards in Movies That Were Not Made:


Trailer: In a world where new ideas are rare, Buck Biceps steps into a dimensional portal. Torn from his home in a comic book, he must conceal his identity behind a mask that deceives only the ingenue. When yet another sneering villain captures her as part of yet another plan to destroy the world, Buck must choose between using his super powers to save humanity and loving a woman who doesn’t recognize his voice.

Director’s Comment: I wanted to make a film that explored the psychological dimension of concealing our true selves. When the ingenue couldn’t figure out who the hero was even during rehearsals, I knew the script worked.

The Remake II (3D)

Trailer: You remember the original. You saw the remake. Now see the same story … in a new dimension. You’ll feel like you are part of the action as Ben Herebefore leaps off the screen to do the same things. You’ll laugh at the same jokes. You may even find the same gum stuck to your seat.

Director’s Comment: I wanted to make a social commentary on how one day feels the same as the next, and what better way to explore that than to make a film that’s as repetitive as the rest of life?

The No Strings with Benefits Pass

Trailer: In a world of commitments, Randy Peters is just a typical guy. Sure, he has a beautiful wife who loves him, a great job, and a house. But he wants to play around. Then she offers him a deal: he can have one week to do whatever, with whoever, no questions asked. Will his playful romp lead him back to his true love before she finishes burning his stuff in the patio grill?

Director’s Comment: I wanted to make a comic date movie about a wayward guy and a woman who loves him so much she’s willing to let him mess around and come back and it’s all fine. I told my wife about it and she had some ideas of her own. We have a huge gas grill on our patio, so I took her advice.

I think you’ll agree those are all worthy of non-existence. But before we reveal any winners, here are the nominees for TV Series That Were Not Made:

The Non-Event

This highly-promoted series from the makers of Still Lost and The 24 Files begins with the President of the United States about to do something that will change the course of history. But then he doesn’t, because something even more important happens. Except it doesn’t, because something even more earth-shaking is about to happen. But it doesn’t, and so on, week after week. Featuring a cast with so many characters you need a notebook.

Housewife Survivors

This breakout reality show combines the best of The Real Housewives of Wherever They Are This Year with the best of Survivor. Who will gossip? Who will lie? Who will cheat? Viewers get to vote when the homeowners’ association meets to kick someone out of the neighborhood.

Ghost Sharks

This cable series features a team of investigative divers who look into legends of sharks eating people in rivers, lakes, swimming pools, decorative ponds, bathtubs, and even bottled water. Watch as they swim around frantically while saying “Did you hear that?” “I heard something.” See the same shark footage you’ve seen for the past 20 years, reedited and with a new narrator. Will they find evidence? Will they get eaten? And will there be a copycat on some cable channel every night of the week?

Again, all worthy nominees for non-existence. And the winners are …

The No Strings With Benefit Pass … and …

The Non-Event.

Because Chef was already lighting that patio grill, and honoring a non-existent series where nothing ever actually happens is the epitome of Zen.


Happy Friday!