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The 3rd Annual Bippies – The Ads

Welcome to the 3rd Annual BPI Awards, the curvaceous and coveted Bippies. Yes, once again it’s time to take a break from reality to honor the best of non-reality. As with the past two years, every major entertainment reporter is not here to cover our awards for excellence in non-existence, including Zen Master Wi Dono, who did not even think about joining us.

And as with the past two years, we’re not in the opulent Kodiak Theater. The Fish and Game Commission said the bears reserved it for salmon volleyball, which takes priority because it’s a game for fish. So, yet again, we reveal our Bippies online.

But before we get started, we’re thrilled to offer a new featurette this year, Scenes of the Behind: The Making of the Bippies. So let’s go to our roving reporter backstage….

Squirrel@BPI: Thank you. I’m here with Ms. Scarlet, the model for the curvaceous and coveted Bippie. How are you, Ms. Scarlet?

Scarlet@BPI: I’m kind of antsy.

Squirrel@BPI: Excited about the start of this year’s awards?

Scarlet@BPI: At this point I’m excited for anything to start. I’ve been sitting on this plaster mold for an hour. Couldn’t they get the fast-drying kind?

Okay then. We’ll return for more Scenes of the Behind later in the ceremony.

Our first category honors excellence in non-existent advertising. In previous years that was limited to ads for products that do not exist. But there were several elections in the past year, so the awards committee decided to include ads for political candidates who did not run and PACs that did not form. Needless to say, that raised the bar of non-existence, and the voting was closer than ever before. As always, the votes were tabulated in BPI’s High-Energy Meta Mojo Elucidation Detector (HEMMED) Lab and the results then sealed in the bottom of Pootie the Precious’ litter box. We apologize for the smell.

So without further adieux, here are the nominees for the 2011 BPI Awards in Non-Existent Advertising:

Scott Rickster – “I see”

I’m Scott Rickster and I’m running for governor. I see how government is broken, but we can do more. I see too many unemployed people in our state, and I’ll cut unemployment benefits so they move away. I see too many kids who graduate but can’t read, and I’ll cut school funding so they don’t graduate. I see too much partisan bickering, and I’ll break labor unions and pass tougher voting laws so Democrats can’t win elections. I see how government is broken, but we can do more. I’m Scott Rickster, and I’ll break anything that’s Left.

Penny Poplist – “We the People”

I’m Penny Poplist and I want to go to the state capital for you. I believe in We the People, working together to form a more perfect Union. I believe a more perfect Union means better schools, better jobs, better health care, better families, and a better environment. And We the People means all of us, no matter if we’re rich or poor, man or woman, white or black or brown or any color in between, Christian or Jew or pagan or atheist, straight or LGBT. Every one of you matters, and I want to matter for every one of you. Thank you for your vote.

Americans for Freedom – “Big Special Interests”

Penny Poplist says she’s for the people, but who does she really care about? Poplist was endorsed by advocates for Big Labor, Big Women, Big Minorities, and Big Poverty. We don’t need more Big Government taking more of your money for Big Special Interests. Scott Rickster will take of the little guy, corporate persons who made America the greatest nation in the world. On November 2nd, say NO to Big Government and Big Special Interests. Say NO to Penny Poplist. Paid for by Americans for Freedom.

Americans for Liberty – “Your Turn”

Voting is a fundamental right. It’s your turn to choose. But too many people walk away when they see long lines at the polls. So this year we asked election officials to change the rules and let Republicans vote on Tuesday and Democrats on Wednesday. If you’re a Republican or you’re voting for Republicans, go to the polls on Tuesday. If you’re a Democrat or you’re voting for Democrats, go to the polls on Wednesday. Voting is a fundamental right. So this year, take your turn. Your state may not have approved our request. Check local laws. Paid for by Americans for Liberty.

Citizens for American Liberty and Freedom – “Gold Standard”

Our economy is on the brink. Businesses are closing. Health care costs are soaring. Your retirement is at risk. Penny Poplist wants to continue decades of reckless spending on schools, roads, sanitation, hospitals, and welfare. Scott Rickster will cut reckless spending and put your tax dollars in the gold standard of liberty: the free market. This is your golden opportunity. On November 2nd, choose the gold standard. Choose Scott Rickster. Paid for by Citizens for American Liberty and Freedom, in association with Goldenline Investments. Learn more about us at Golden-CALF.com.

And the winner is …

… Penny Poplist, for “We the People!”

Tune in tomorrow, when we’ll honor excellence in movies and TV series that were not made, and have more Scenes of the Behind. Let’s have a round of applause for Penny Poplist!

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Happy Thursday!