“Where’s the cat food?” Professor Plum asked.

“Left pantry, second shelf,” Chef replied.

“Thanks,” Plum said. “Now I can exercise leadership.” (More)

Professor Plum then followed Pootie the Precious into the pantry. The Squirrel texted an apology on his Blewberry, saying he found so much new research material this week for his thesis on 21st Century Political Nuttitude that he forgot to hide the mail. The Professor of Astrology Janitor also apologized, to Chef. Convinced she was bluffing on an Ace-high flop with three Spades, he bet all of his chips on his pair of Threes. In fact, Chef held the King and Queen of Spades, for a seemingly invincible Ace-high flush. Seemingly invincible until a Three fell on the turn and another Three on the river, giving him a near-miraculous four of a kind. Chef simply smiled and congratulated him on a good hand, then headed for the kitchen to make Cinnamon French Toast. This left your lowly mail room clerk to review the week’s correspondence….

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Dear Ms. Crissie,

This evening we saw actual leadership in our nation’s capital – something the American people have not seen from President Obama or my opponents. It’s easy to talk about hope, bang podiums, and point fingers. It’s another thing to stand up and offer a serious solution like Speaker Boehner’s proposal. I refuse to pass down a country to the next generation less good than the one I inherited. At this late hour, it’s time for President Obama to demonstrate some leadership by working to pass the Boehner plan in the Senate and signing it into law.

Jon in UT

Dear Jon,

We note that Speaker Boehner gave in to the radically impossible demands of a faction supported by only 32 or 33 percent of Americans in recent CNN and Gallup polls. That one-third faction demands, as a precondition for raising the debt ceiling and averting an economic crisis, a constitutional amendment that would allow one-third of the House or Senate to block any tax increase. In other words, either we sign the government over to them or they crash the economy. Speaker Boehner’s surrender to that radical minority faction was not “leadership,” unless “surrender” and “leadership” are now synonyms in a soon-to-be-published dictionary.

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Dear Ms. Crissie,

How dare you call the Tea Party a radical minority faction? That’s exactly what the Nazis did to their opponents. It’s like I wrote two years ago on the Patriot Action Network website – yes, I admit I wrote it – when I compared public schools to the Nazis, based on a commercial I saw on the Glenn Beck show. But I’m not worried that we’re going that way, absolutely not, okay?

Kim in WI

Dear Kim,

We had not realized the soon-to-be-published dictionary would be accompanied by a new calendar adding an extra 15 months since last October. Or perhaps the soon-to-be published dictionary will be accompanied by a new math textbook where nine months equals two years. As for why we compare the Tea Party to a radical minority faction, what other kind of group would base talking points on ads appearing in the now-defunct Glenn Beck show?

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Dear Ms. Crissie,

Liberals may have run Glenn Beck off Fox News, but I’m going to run Rachel Maddow off of MSNBC. She is trying to destroy my client, Bradlee Dean, and her comments have harmed both his reputation and his finances. You can’t just say whatever you want. My lawsuit is going to cost MSNBC hundreds of millions of dollars and will probably end Rachel Maddow’s career.

Larry in D.C.

Dear Larry,

We find this statement almost as difficult to believe as your claims that President Obama planted the swine flu in Mexico so it would spread to the U.S. as part of a secret Muslim terrorist plot, or that the government is concealing evidence of UFOs. Ms. Maddow simply broadcast your client’s own statements. Her comments were both newsworthy and accurate, and thus protected speech … unless the soon-to-be-published dictionary, calendar, and math textbook will be accompanied by a revised version of the First Amendment. Maybe they’ll come in a tinfoil-boxed set.

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Dear Ms. Crissie,

While I don’t intend to buy a tinfoil-boxed set containing the soon-to-be-published dictionary, calendar, math text, and First Amendment, I would like Chef’s advice on Cinnamon French Toast. I usually make it by wisking a dash of cinnamon and sugar into the egg-milk mixture before dipping and frying the bread. I’ve been told it works just as well if you sprinkle the cinnamon on the already-cooked French toast. Which does Chef do?

Hungry Before (or After?) Breakfast in Blogistan

Dear Hungry Before (or After?),

Chef tried sprinkling cinnamon on already-cooked French toast, and found the taste too powdery. Chef now slowly sprinkles the cinnamon and sugar into the bowl while wisking the egg-milk mixture, to prevent the cinnamon from clumping, before dipping and frying the bread. Bon appétit!

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Sources:

Jon in UT; CNN poll; Gallup poll.

Kim in WI; two years ago … absolutely not.

Larry in D.C.; swine flu conspiracy; UFO conspiracy.

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Happy Sunday!