“Did the Squirrel get there on time?” Professor Plum asked.

“We heard there was a problem at security,” Ms. Scarlet added. (More)

Of course we had to send the Squirrel to cover the Big Event this weekend. Not Netroots Nation or the RightOnline conference a few blocks away in Minneapolis. He compared that to “Dueling Banjos” without the banjos. And not the Republican Leadership Conference in New Orleans. He covered an event in New Orleans once, and nearly had an embarrassing bourbon on Incident Street.

This weekend, as a red squirrel whose ancestors hail from Scotland, he wanted to cover the Big Golf Event. The BPI Faculty Senate agreed, with only a six-hour filibuster over whether to vote before or after a restroom break, and the arrangements were made. The staff drove him to the airport, then hurried back to campus for updates via Pootie the Precious’ iHazPhone….

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Squirrel@BPI: Umm … you forgot my luggage.

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We drove back to the airport. Apologies, were offered with an extra package of macadamias for the flight. The macadamias were accepted. We hurried back to campus again….

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Squirrel@BPI: Well that was annoying.

PootieP@BPI: Dey sed dey were sowwee.

Squirrel@BPI: Not the luggage. Airport security. I had to go through that full body scanner.

PootieP@BPI: Iz dat bad? I herd itz reveel raveal like ur nekkid.

Squirrel@BPI: So much for that dress for success idea.

PootieP@BPI: But u got thru?

Squirrel@BPI: Yes. Finally. On the flight now. Looking through my itinerary. The staff didn’t give me a map to the tournament.

PootieP@BPI: Hold on. Ill ask dem.

Squirrel@BPI: Okay.

Squirrel@BPI: Airline coffee is awful.

Squirrel@BPI: Hello?

Squirrel@BPI: Umm, we’re going to land soon.

PootieP@BPI: Sowwee. I found a spongee ball. It wuz under da poker tabel.

Squirrel@BPI: I was asking about a map to the tournament.

PootieP@BPI: Oh yeah. Dey sed u dont need wun. Dey haz a car 4 u.

Squirrel@BPI: They rented me a limo? Wow. I guess someone is starting to appreciate me.

PootieP@BPI: Sumpin like dat, yes.

Squirrel@BPI: I have to power down. I’ll check back from the limo.

PootieP@BPI: Okay. I go getz nomz.

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Squirrel@BPI: Ahem.

PootieP@BPI: Hold on. Cleenin mai wiskerz n pawz.

Squirrel@BPI: Good for you. Hygiene is very important. Someone should mention that to this cabbie.

PootieP@BPI: Itz not cleen?

Squirrel@BPI: It was probably last cleaned in the Eisenhower administration. Who hired this cab anyway?

PootieP@BPI: The Prufess Profass Janitor. Hiz brudder werks dere.

Squirrel@BPI: His brother obviously isn’t a janitor.

PootieP@BPI: No heez da disbatch despach he tells da drivers ware 2 go.

Squirrel@BPI: I could tell the Professor of Astrology Janitor where to go right about now.

PootieP@BPI: He alreddy went 2 buff.

Squirrel@BPI: That isn’t the destination I would have suggested.

PootieP@BPI: Okay. Ware shood I tell him?

Squirrel@BPI: Never mind. Something else is wrong now.

PootieP@BPI: Wat?

Squirrel@BPI: We just went through D.C. It’s very pretty. Now we’re turning southeast.

PootieP@BPI: Okay. Wats wrong wiff dat?

Squirrel@BPI: The U.S. Open is being played at Congressional Country Club, in Bethesda. That’s northwest of Washington.

PootieP@BPI: Mebbe heez takin da seenic root?

Squirrel@BPI: Southeast D.C. is not the scenic route to anywhere. Hold on.

PootieP@BPI: Okay.

PootieP@BPI: R u dere?

PootieP@BPI: Did sumpin happen?

Squirrel@BPI: Oh I’m here, all right. At an air force base.

PootieP@BPI: Dint u just leev da airport?

Squirrel@BPI: In fact I did. Now I’m at another airport. A military one.

PootieP@BPI: Iz da golf dun alreddy?

Squirrel@BPI: They sent me to the wrong golf course. This is the Andrews Air Force Base golf course.

PootieP@BPI: Mebbe itz a mistake. Ill ask dem.

Squirrel@BPI: Oh please do.

PootieP@BPI: Dey said datz da rite corse. Da Preznit iz playin dere 2day.

Squirrel@BPI: So? I wanted to cover the U.S. Open.

PootieP@BPI: Wuz da U.S. clozed or sumpin?

Squirrel@BPI: Never mind. Wow. Lots of Secret Service here.

PootieP@BPI: If dere sekrit, how kan u tell?

Squirrel@BPI: Humans don’t always use words literally.

PootieP@BPI: Like dey say “Pootie PLEEZE” and dey dont alwayz meen it nice?

Squirrel@BPI: Exactly. Well, I’ve climbed a tree beside the first green. President Obama is playing with Speaker Boehner.

PootieP@BPI: Hez da speeker coz hez talkin?

Squirrel@BPI: It’s another of those human words that don’t mean what they mean. Like “bipartisanship” and “olive branch.”

PootieP@BPI: Wat do doze werds meen?

Squirrel@BPI: “Do it our way” and “something to hit you with,” respectively.

PootieP@BPI: Dat duzzint sownd nice.

Squirrel@BPI: It usually isn’t. Well, they’ve hit their drivers.

PootieP@BPI: Oh dat wuzzint nice. Can da drivers call da copz?

Squirrel@BPI: A driver is a kind of golf club.

PootieP@BPI: A golf club drove ur taxi?

Squirrel@BPI: Never mind. President Obama is driving the golf cart.

PootieP@BPI: Da Speeker hit da Preznit?

Squirrel@BPI: You’ve never played golf, I guess.

PootieP@BPI: No but I chasez da spongee ballz.

Squirrel@BPI: Well, golf is different. You hit the ball with a stick. One of those sticks is called a driver. President Obama is also driving the cart, but that’s different.

PootieP@BPI: Golf is konfu confew weerd.

Squirrel@BPI: Golfers would agree with you. Now they’re putting. I have to mute my Blewberry.

PootieP@BPI: Wat r dey putting ware?

Squirrel@BPI: Putt. Not put. Putting is how you roll the ball across the green into the hole.

PootieP@BPI: I juz batz it wiff my pawz.

Squirrel@BPI: That’s against the rules of golf. You have to hit the ball with a putter.

PootieP@BPI: Puters r hevvy. Or do dey uze laptops?

Squirrel@BPI: Not a computer. A putter. It’s a … oh forget it.

PootieP@BPI: 4get wat?

Squirrel@BPI: Exactly. President Obama just tapped in for par. Now they’re telling the press to leave.

PootieP@BPI: Dere makin u go away?

Squirrel@BPI: Yes. Apparently this is a private match. No press allowed.

PootieP@BPI: Datz not nice.

Squirrel@BPI: Actually it is. Now I’m gonna make that driver take me to the U.S. Open.

PootieP@BPI: Dont hit da driver.

Squirrel@BPI: Of course not. I’ll use a spoon.

PootieP@BPI: To get nomz?

Squirrel@BPI: No. It’s another golf term. A spoon is a fairway wood.

PootieP@BPI: Golf is weerd.

Squirrel@BPI: Yes. But so is politics. Gotta go.

PootieP@BPI: Hav fun!

Squirrel@BPI: You’ve definitely never played golf.

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Happy Sunday!