Midday Matinee is our people watching, people doing and people being feature. Join the Woodland Creatures for an afternoon break.

Someone is missing a huge business opportunity. I can imagine an annual conference where politicians of both parties can come to an exclusive resort setting and get the porn out of their systems. I’d like to make this an annual event instead of the random events we now have. A day for poli-porn would give them and the press the other 364 days of the year where they could actually focus on doing the people’s business and reporting on real issues.

I’d hire a professional photographer so that any pictures of their private parts wouldn’t suffer from the poor quality of cell phone cameras. There’d be a help desk for electronic dissemination so that the whole question about using government resources was moot. Just think of the advantages for technology challenged senators and representatives. One stop dissemination. We could even pre-qualify their lists so the ages of the recipients weren’t in question. For people who want to opt into receiving this kind of communication from their elected officials, we’d offer just such a process. Think of the time that would be saved by interested citizens not having to Google their congress critter to find a photo of him in his Fruit of the Looms.

And speaking of underwear, I bet Victoria’s Secret could be an event sponsor. I am sure they have a selection of quality silk boxers that are vastly superior to these pathetic tidy whities. Bright white does not photograph well.

I’d hire a professional videographer too for those wanting to make sex tapes. I bet if we sold pay per views we could use the money to offset the national debt. You do remember that we have a debt, don’t you? Or in the blizzard of double entendres from the latest pornitician did you forget that? Given the fact that our free press seems as obsessed with sex as the porniticians, it’s no wonder.

After Happy Hour we’d have a special area set up for “the apologies.” We’d supply this with fine linen handkerchiefs and flattering lighting. We’d have vials of fake tears available for those without remorse. We could have life-size cutouts of wives, for those who didn’t want to stand next to their husbands during the apologies. Or make animatronic wives. Think of the job opportunities. Call the new company Stepford, Inc.

For those with problems keeping their zippers up but not yet ready to go public with their escapades, we’d offer a referral list of therapists willing to help these fine public servants get at their issues. Someone must certainly have the therapeutic skills to get these problems off the front pages and onto the couch. For those reluctant to go public because they’ve looked in a mirror, we’ll offer a fitness program. Fight waist and Freud!

Can you tell I’ve had enough?

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