“I hope it will be fully baked,” Professor Plum said.

He hadn’t found the mail, but he had found Chef’s breakfast recipe. (More)

Chef offered him a glare not seen since the Tijuana Incident. Professor Plum stammered an apology, and he and Ms. Scarlet left to join the resident faculty in the wine cellar library to spend the weekend drinking thinking on our motto of Magis vinum, magis verum (“More wine, more truth”).

Hoping to take advantage of Chef’s irritation, the Professor of Astrology Janitor bet after she checked on the all-Spade flop of Ace-Queen-Seven. He had no Spades, but he did have the Ace and Seven of Clubs, for two pair and a slim draw to a full house. Chef raised him and the Professor of Astrology Janitor called, thinking her irritation might pay off. When Chef checked after the Queen of Diamonds fell on the turn, he suspected she didn’t have a Spade flush. He bet big, now wanting to look as if he were bluffing. Chef called, and he was convinced. The Seven of Hearts on the river sealed the deal, giving the Professor of Astrology Janitor a full house. This time Chef bet first, as if trying to buy the pot. He raised for all his chips. Chef called and turned over her cards. She didn’t have any Spades, just as he suspected. But she did have the other two Queens, and four of a kind beats a full house. He began his plaintive mewling, and Chef scurried off to the kitchen to bake a Crazy Soufflé. That left your lowly mail room clerk to review the week’s correspondence….


Dear Ms. Crissie,

Why does President Obama hate America? In a speech in April, he was talking about Medicare, Medicaid, and unemployment insurance, and it was in response to the Ryan budget. And he said this, talking about these three programs: He said “America is a better country because of these programs. I will go a one step further: America is a great country because of these programs.” Ms. Crissie, America was a great country before 1965. Social conservatives understand that America was a great country because it was founded great. Our founders, calling upon in the Declaration of Independence, the supreme judge, calling upon divine providence, said what was at the heart of American exceptionalism … “We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal and endowed by our creator with certain inalienable rights.” That statement, not liberal social programs, made America great.

Rick in PA

Dear Rick,

We agree those words were an exceptional statement. However, we suggest that a great nation is not built on exceptional statements. Rather, a great nation is built on exceptional actions that realize the ideals of those exceptional statements. Medicare, Medicaid, unemployment insurance, and the Civil Rights and Voting Rights Acts were part of transforming our nation from one who said “all men are created equal” to a nation who treated her citizens more equally. It’s not enough to talk the talk. We must also walk the walk.


Dear Ms. Crissie,

Americans always walked the walk like Paul Revere’s horse. He who warned, uh, the British that they weren’t going to be taking away our arms uh by ringing those bells and making sure as he’s riding his horse through town to send those warning shots and bells that we were going to be secure and we were going to be free and we were going to be armed.

Sarah in AK

Dear Sarah,

We are pleased to see that you know your history, except for a minor details like Paul Revere warning the British, ringing bells, and firing warning shots. He did none of those things. Instead, he rode to the homes of trusted confederates and told them the British Army was crossing the Charles River to advance on Concord. His confederates then rode to warn others, who did likewise. Soon over 40 riders were passing the word through Middlesex County. Many, including Revere, were stopped and questioned by British patrols … which is why Revere didn’t ring bells, fire warning shots, or even shout “The British are coming!” But at least you knew he rode a horse.


Dear Ms. Crissie,

As a Republican state senate candidate, I am doing the unthinkable for a Hollywood filmmaker: I am premiering THE LIFE ZONE, a psychological thriller about abortion – a film, which turns out to be PRO-LIFE. This certain controversial flick premieres at Hoboken International Film Festival – in Teaneck – one of the nation’s largest film festivals, which I founded and chair. The controversial premise of THE LIFE ZONE: three women have been kidnapped from abortion clinics and are being held for seven months – until they all give birth. The film, which appears to cut right down the middle, examining the topic from both sides, offers a powerful, anti-abortion climactic twist. I invite pro-lifers to come to this historic event.

Kenneth in NJ

Dear Kenneth,

We agree that, based on the trailer and your press release, your film “appears to cut right down the middle” … of women’s rights. We hope that, as a former judge and prosecutor, you do realize that laws against kidnapping also cover women, even if they are pregnant and are at abortion clinics. We also hope that, after some religious zealot takes your film as a call to action, you will turn yourself in to law enforcement and declare yourself an accomplice before the fact. We also admit that both of those are faint hopes.


Dear Ms. Crissie,

Uggh. At least I understand why Chef decided to bake a Crazy Soufflé for breakfast. Does Chef serve that with a side of Governor Airspace Word Salad? I’m a bit afraid to ask, but, how do I bake a Crazy Soufflé?

Fearfully Hungry in Blogistan

Dear Fearfully Hungry,

Chef’s only recipe for Governor Airspace Word Salad involves a dartboard and random pages from Frank Luntz’s Words That Work. However, Chef never uses that recipe as the BPI clinic said it’s bad for her blood pressure. Her Crazy Soufflé is easy, however. First add ¾ cup of minced leftovers – cooked meats and vegetables – to a can of cream of mushroom soup. Heat them together, then whisk in five beaten egg yolks, one at a time. Allow the mixture to cool. Beat five egg whites until they are stiff, then gently fold them into the soup mixture and pour into a buttered soufflé dish. Bake at 325° for 40 minutes. Bon appétit!



Rick in PA.

Sarah in AK; Revere’s ride.

Kenneth in NJ; The Life Zone trailer.


Happy Sunday!