Professor Plum winced as Ms. Scarlet trimmed the hangnail that interrupted his workout. She apologized, then added: “No pain, no gain.” (More)

Professor Plum is taking his new fitness regimen seriously. He measured a quarter-mile lap around the Student Union, and jog-walks it every morning for 20 minutes. Until today, when a hangnail disrupted his rhythm. After putting his shoe back on, he headed out to complete his circuit before joining the resident faculty in the wine cellar library to spend the weekend drinking thinking on our motto of Magis vinum, magis verum (“More wine, more truth”). The Professor of Astrology Janitor doubted Ms. Scarlet’s reasoning. If that were true, he said, shouldn’t his poker game show improvement? As if to prove the point, he tried to bluff Chef off an Ace-high flop with only a pair of Sixes. His bluff might have worked if Chef weren’t holding a pair of Aces. Alas, she was. He began his plaintive mewling, and Chef scurried to the kitchen to make Spinach and Cheese Omelets. That left your lowly mail room clerk to review the week’s correspondence….

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Dear Ms. Crissie,

Why did liberals call me mean this week? Our hearts are with the victims of the Joplin tornado tragedy, but supplemental funding for disaster relief will require budget cuts somewhere else. House Republicans are ready to help and have found offsets to pay for emergency relief money. The $1 billion in emergency disaster relief will be paid for by a $1.5 billion cut in funding for the production of more fuel-efficient vehicles.

Eric in VA

Dear Eric,

We agree that it’s unfair to say you put the “me” in “mean.” That implies you’re the only mean Republican, which is clearly a false accusation.

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Dear Ms. Crissie,

Yes, it is a false accusation. As Senate Minority Leader, I will oppose any plan to raise the federal debt ceiling unless it includes cuts to Medicare. As for public opposition to cutting Medicare, the 2012 election will take care of itself. I would think that we will hopefully have done something significant in this area by then, and the American people can decide whether they want to punish both sides for having done that, because it will take both sides to do it. Even if Vice President Biden proposes trillions of dollars in other budget cuts, I won’t vote to raise the debt ceiling unless there are short-, medium-, and long-term cuts to Medicare.

Mitch in KY

Dear Mitch,

We appreciate your demonstrating that Eric in VA is not alone in Republican meanness. We also appreciate your demonstrate that your objection to Medicare is not really about the budget, as you would oppose raising the debt ceiling even if there were trillions of dollars in other budget cuts. Former President Ronald Reagan opposed Medicare when it was created, and Republicans have voted to cut Medicare ever since. In fact, the only part of Medicare your party likes is the part run by private insurance companies, which costs more than the government-run program. Thank you for proving that Republicans don’t really care about the deficit, or spiraling health care costs. You care about insurance company profits, and you’re willing to hold the entire U.S. economy hostage to do that.

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Dear Ms. Crissie,

That’s unfair. It’s Us vs. Them. Big government versus a big belief in faith and freedom. It’s faith in God and the freedom to become all we want that made America great. That’s why I demand the Environmental Protection Agency perform additional testing on a Superfund site in my district. Frankly, this is unacceptable. The EPA’s own Web site indicates that one of the agency’s primary reasons for existence is to ensure that ‘all Americans are protected from significant risks to human health and the environment where they live, learn and work.’ I was surprised to hear an EPA official basically tell the residents of that neighborhood that they would not conduct soil and water testing to find answers. It is absolutely the EPA’s job, and I’m going to make sure that job is done. The residents are scared, and they deserve answers and peace of mind.

Lou in PA

Dear Lou,

We agree that the residents of your district deserve answers and peace of mind, and the EPA should investigate to see if pollution has caused the cancer cluster in that area. But Republican presidential candidate Newt Gingrich proposed abolishing the EPA, several House Republicans agreed, and Senate Republicans have introduced a bill to fold the EPA into the Department of Energy. And in February, you voted to cut the EPA budget and block rules that would limit CO2 pollution and reduce mercury, arsenic, lead, PCBs, dioxins and furans, and heavy metals from cement plants. Are you one of Us, or one of Them?

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Dear Ms. Crissie,

I’m going to ignore the Republican meanness and congratulate Professor Plum on his new fitness plan. I also want to congratulate Chef for any breakfast recipe that includes spinach, which I love. How do I make those omelets?

Fit for Breakfast in Blogistan

Dear Fit for Breakfast,

We also enjoy spinach at breakfast, and Chef’s Spinach and Cheese Omelet recipe is easy to make. Simply beat two eggs and pour them into a non-stick skillet over medium-low heat, then spread baby spinach leaves over the eggs as they start to set up. Sprinkle with a bit of shredded cheddar cheese, and fold the omelet when the cheese begins to melt. Bon appétit!

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Sources:

Eric in VA.

Mitch in KY; Reagan opposed Medicare; GOP repeatedly voted to cut Medicare; GOP supports Medicare Advantage; Medicare Advantage costs more than government-run program.

Lou in PA; Us vs. Them; Gingrich proposed abolishing EPA; House Republicans agreed; Senate Republicans introduce bill; voted to cut EPA budget.

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Happy Sunday!