“Oh, you’re still here,” Professor Plum said as he and Ms. Scarlet walked into the mail room. “No rapture, I guess. But look out for zombies.” (More)

Having duly warned us, they left to join the resident faculty in the wine cellar library to drink think on our motto of Magis vinum, magis verum (“More wine, more truth”). The interruption seemed to help the Professor of Astrology Janitor, who had been silently mulling whether to call Chef’s pot-sized bet on an Ace-Jack-Nine flop with two Hearts, while he held only a pair of black Fours in hand. Discretion, or perhaps a fear that zombies might attack before the hand was finished, led him to fold. Chef politely showed him her Queen and Ten of Hearts, and he began his plaintive mewling. Chef scurried off to bake Raisin Brain Breakfast Muffins, leaving your lowly mail room clerk to review the week’s correspondence….

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Dear Ms. Crissie,

I’m very disappointed that the world is still here. Five for Atonement times ten for Completeness times seventeen for Heaven equals 850. The square of that is 772,500. The crucifixion happened on April 1 in the year 33. That’s 1,978 years, with 365.2422 days per solar year, or 772, 449 days until April 1, 2011. May 21 was 51 days after April 1, for a total of 772,500 days since the crucifixion: Atonement, Completeness, and Heaven, squared. I predicted a rapture once before in 1994 and it didn’t happen, but that was a math error. This time I double-checked my math and all of my numbers are correct. Where did I go wrong?

Harold in CA

Dear Harold,

Setting aside the manifest illogic of numerology, we are curious why you squared the product of Atonement, Completeness, and Heaven. Given the Doctrine of the Trinity, shouldn’t you cube the product? If so, and assuming your date of April 1, 33 as the starting point, the rapture will happen on October 10th in the year 1,681,418, if the zombies don’t get here first.

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Dear Ms. Crissie,

I am outraged that the Centers for Disease Control wasted tax dollars to warn Americans about a possible zombie apocalypse. This is the ultimate fear-mongering. I know liberals will attack me, but this is just more hypocrisy from Democrats. One obvious flaw, the CDC says I would need one gallon of water per person per day. Do zombies even drink water? Why would I need water if we had a zombie attack, will they poison the water? Will government not protect us from zombies? Wouldn’t our health care be paid for if we were under a zombie attack? Wouldn’t we have government sponsored safe areas we could go to?

Competition Breeds Winners in Blogistan

Dear Competition,

We could offer rational answers to your questions. For example, we could note the CDC’s use of humor to generate interest in disaster preparedness, and that the steps they suggest for a zombie apocalypse are those they encourage for real life emergencies such as hurricanes. But we doubt such answers would have any effect. We will, however, note that you should be very worried were a zombie apocalypse to happen, as they reportedly prefer fresh, unused brains.

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Dear Ms. Crissie,

Why this focus on the rapture and zombies? Do I sense the literati in retreat, no longer sensing weakness after I emerged from of the billowing smoke once again ready to take on the challenges America faces?

Newt in GA

Dear Newt,

Surely, somewhere, there are some slings and arrows
that you could buy with your outrageous fortune.
Surely, somewhere, there is another wife with whom you could sleep,
perchance to dream,
perchance for a consummation that your flesh is heir to.
Surely, somewhere, there is the undiscovered country from whose bourn no traveler returns,
that would elect you its leader.
Surely, somewhere, there are whose whose conscience will not make cowards of us all,
whence your enterprise of great pitch and moment
will not be by all your sins remembered.

Surely, somewhere, and hie thee quickly there.

Coz it ain’t here.

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Dear Ms. Crissie,

So there really are zombies? Oh, and didn’t Chef mean Raisin Bran Breakfast Muffins, not Raisin Brain … oh … I get it. So how do I make those?

Slow But Hungry In Blogistan

Dear Slow But Hungry,

Yes, political zombies are real. As for Chef’s Raisin Brain Breakfast Muffins, first put 3½ ounces of bran flakes in a cereal bowl with 9 ounces of milk, and let stand for five minutes. Next sift ½ cup of wholemeal flour, ½ cup of plain flour, 2 teaspoons of baking powder, ¼ teaspoon of salt, 1 teaspoon of ground cinnamon, and ½ teaspoon of ground ginger into a mixing bowl. Stir in 2½ ounces of raisins. In a separate bowl, beat 1 egg into 3½ ounces of brown sugar and 3½ ounces of sunflower oil. Add the egg mixture and the milk mixture to the flour mixture and mix until smooth. Finally, place 8 paper baking cups in a muffin pan, divide the batter evenly among them, and bake at 400° for 20-25 minutes until risen and firm. Chef sprinkles the tops of the muffins with wheat germ and confectioner’s sugar, before transferring the muffins to a wire rack to cool. Bon appétit!

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Sources:

Harold in CA.

Competition Breeds Winners in Blogistan; CDC Zombie Apocalypse Warning.

Newt in GA.

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Happy Sunday!