“I started to run,” Professor Plum said, dripping water on the mail room floor. “Then it started to rain.”

So we know he’s running. (More)

We thought he was joking when he said he’d taken up running, but apparently not. He says he now jogs “four days a week, weather permitting.” Ms. Scarlet acts as his watchstop; she watches and tells him to stop after ten minutes. After we congratulated them on their progress, they squish-squished away to join the other resident faculty in the wine cellar library where they’ll spend the weekend drinking thinking on our motto of Magis vinum, magis verum (“More wine, more truth”).

The Professor of Astrology Janitor’s luck was also running in the staff poker game. And it kept running, first across the table to Chef and then around to the BPI Squirrel. The Professor of Astrology Janitor thought it had completed a lap when the pair of Jacks in his hand and the Jack and two Sixes on the flop gave him a full house. But the Squirrel had the other two Sixes, for four of a kind. The Professor of Astrology Janitor began his plaintive mewling and Chef scurried to the kitchen to prepare Ham & Cheese Omelet Rolls, a recipe from Iowa. That left your lowly mail room clerk to review the week’s correspondence….

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Dear Ms. Crissie,

I’m Newt Gingrich, and I’m announcing my candidacy for President of the United States because I believe we can return America to hope and opportunity, to full employment, to real security, to an American energy program, to a balanced budget. I worked with President Ronald Reagan, in a very difficult period. We got jobs created again, Americans proud of America, and the Soviet Union disappeared. As Speaker of the House, I worked to reform welfare, to balance the budget, to control spending, to cut taxes, to create economic growth. We’re at the crossroads. Down one road is a European centralized bureaucratic socialist welfare system. The other road is a proud, solid reaffirmation of American exceptionalism. President Obama is the most successful food stamp president in American history. I would like to be the most successful paycheck president in American history. Will you support me?

Newt in GA

Dear Newt,

We must decline your request for support, for several reasons. First, your appeal to the legacy of President Reagan ignores the tripling of the federal debt during those years. Your tenure as Speaker of the House included the repeal of banking regulations whose absence led directly to the current recession, for which you blame President Obama with the dog-whistle phrase “food stamp president.” We do agree that America is exceptional: exceptionally stratified. Despite your scary buzzwords about Europe, Nobel laureate Paul Krugman correctly noted that Horatio Alger has moved there, where inequality is less and economic mobility is greater. We agree that you would be a “paycheck president.” But given your ideas – like ending the “failed 19th century experiment” of adolescence and sending teenagers into the full-time work force – too many of those paychecks would be too small to cover basic living expenses. Finally, given your marital history and your party’s stance on health care, we would rather not be abandoned in a hospital bed.

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Dear Ms. Crissie,

I’m Ron Paul and I’m also running for President of the United States. I would have voted against the Civil Rights Act because I believe in property rights. Your right to be on TV is protected by property rights because somebody owns that station. I can’t walk into your station. So right of freedom of speech is protected by property. The right of your church is protected by property. If a flood or hurricane washes away your house and you have no insurance, in a free society you should sink. If they won’t sell you insurance, it means it’s too dangerous to live there. It just doesn’t make economic sense or moral sense or constitutional sense for government to help people after disasters. Don’t you support freedom.

Ron in TX

Dear Ron,

We do support freedom, but we note that freedom of speech is not limited to people who own media outlets, nor is freedom of religion limited to church property. We also have a right to speak or pray on public streets and other public fora, though as you would like to privatize federal highways we presume at some point there would no longer be public streets or other public fora. As for insurance, we note that Florida had to pass a law requiring companies to insure against hurricanes, and California had to pass a similar law requiring companies to insure against earthquakes. You oppose state interference in insurance markets, so should those entire states be abandoned as “too dangerous?” More generally, despite the greater risks of natural disasters, our nation’s ports are more useful if they are on coastlines and/or rivers, and Article I of the Constitution authorizes Congress to collect taxes and “provide … for the General Welfare.” Do you support freedom under the Constitution, or only freedom for those who can afford it?

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Dear Ms. Crissie,

I’m Mike Huckabee and I’m not running for President of the United States. All of the political factors say go, but my heart says no. I don’t expect everyone to understand this, but I’m a believer and a follower of Jesus Christ and that relationship is far more important to me than any political office. I do know this. That under the best of circumstances, being president is a job that takes one to the limit of his or her human capacity. For me, to do it without the confidence that I was undertaking it without God’s full blessing is simply unthinkable. I felt an inner peace when I decided not to run. And that’s the decision that I’ve made. Do you support me?

Mike in AK

Dear Mike,

We wholeheartedly support your decision not to run for president. In fact, we support it so much that we invite you to reach out to Newt in GA and Ron in TX – and your party’s other contenders – and convince them to join you in not running for president. We agree that the presidency takes one to the limit of human capacity, and we prefer candidates who are not as … limited … as those your party has offered over the past, oh, half-century.

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Dear Ms. Crissie,

You supported a Republican? How bipartisan of you! How do I make those Ham & Cheese Omelet rolls, and did Chef really go to Iowa for that recipe?

Surprised and Hungry in Blogistan

Dear Surprised and Hungry,

In the spirit of bipartisanship, we wholeheartedly support any Republican who decides not to seek public office. And yes, the recipe for Ham & Cheese Omelet rolls comes from the Pleasant Country Bed & Breakfast, in Malcolm Iowa, which Chef visited via the Official BPI Googlizationalizator in our state-of-the-art High-Energy Meta Mojo Elucidation Detector (HEMMED) Lab facility.

To make the omelet rolls, first line the bottom and sides of a 15x10x1-inch greased baking pan with parchment paper. In a small mixing bowl, beat 4 ounces of softened cream cheese with ¾ cup of milk until smooth, then add 2 Tablespoon of flour and ¼ teaspoon of salt and mix until combined. In a large mixing bowl, beat 12 eggs until blended, then stir in the cream cheese until it is mixed well and pour into the baking pan. Bake at 375° for 30 minutes, until the eggs are puffed and set. Then immediately spread with 2 Tablespoons of Dijon mustard and sprinkle with 1 cup of shredded cheddar cheese. Next sprinkle 2 cups of diced ham, then ½ cup of diced green onions, then another 1 cup of shredded cheese. Carefully roll from a short end of the pan, peeling away the paper as you go. Sprinkle the top of the roll with another ¼ cup of shredded cheese, then bake for 3-4 minutes until the cheese melts.

If you cook it, they will come. Bon appétit!

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Sources:

Newt in GA; food stamp president; Horatio Alger has moved to Europe; ending adolescence.

Ron in TX; insurance; privatize federal highways; Florida law; California law; state interference; Constitution.

Mike in AK.

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Good morning!