“I miss New Hampshire,” Professor Plum said wistfully. “What heroes. Ethan Allen. Paul Revere. Joshua Chamberlain.”

“Yes, you do miss New Hampshire,” Ms. Scarlet replied. “In three directions.” (More)

As Ms. Scarlet explained, Ethan Allen was from Vermont, Paul Revere from Massachusetts, and Joshua Chamberlain from Maine. Professor Plum nodded, and together they left to join the resident faculty in the wine cellar library, to spend the weekend drinking thinking on our motto of Magis vinum, magis verum (“More wine, more truth”). The Professor of Astrology Janitor took advantage of the interruption to take a second look at what he thought was a pair of Aces. But his second Ace of Spades was actually the Four of Spades. With no help on the flop, he folded. Chef asked why he thought there might be two Aces of Spades at all. “Pinochle deck?” he asked, before beginning his plaintive mewling. Chef scurried off to the kitchen to make Apple Cinnamon Pancakes, leaving your lowly mail room clerk to review the week’s correspondence….

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Dear Ms. Crissie,

I don’t know why you liberals are all in a tizzy. Yes, I told New Hampshire voters they’re the state where the shot round the world was heard in Lexington and Concord. I also said schools should be a place where knowledge, facts, and information should be on the table and we should let students decide their own beliefs. Like my belief that while the battles of Lexington and Concord were fought in Massachusetts, New Hampshire is where they’re still proud of it. That will be the last time I’ll borrow President Obama’s teleprompter!

Michelle in WI MI (I wrote the M upside down the first time. That’s all. Oh wait, MI is Michigan. Hold on.) MN (There.)

Dear Michelle,

We understand how difficult it is to remember which state some event happened in. Take your own birth, for example. You said you used to be a Democrat “because in Minnesota, they stamp that on your birth certificate.” Except you were born in Iowa. As for your belief that residents of Massachusetts are not proud of their role in the Revolutionary War, we suggest you visit the Freedom Trail in Boston. That would be the Boston in Massachusetts, not Indiana.

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Dear Ms. Crissie,

Making fun of Michelle is retarded, and the world has too many drug addicts, mentally ill, retarded, and other defective people. I believe if we had a Siberia we should send defective people to this and they would all freeze and die and we would be rid of them.

Martin in NH

Dear Martin,

Most families include a nutty old relative who spouts random absurdities. Alas, the New Hampshire Republican Party lets their nutty old relatives run for political office. We find your comment about “defective people” less disturbing than your admission that you don’t know anything about the bills you vote on in the state house, and wish you had a coach to help with your job. As a legislator, you are supposed to be a leader, not need one.

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Dear Ms. Crissie,

I agree that state legislators should be leaders, and that’s why I sponsored a bill in New Hampshire to require all presidential candidates to submit a long-form birth certificate as a prerequisite for being on our state ballot. This is not about President Obama. I don’t know where he was born and I don’t care. It’s about an Egyptian-born American citizen who tried to get on our presidential primary ballot in 2007, and did not know he had to be born in the U.S. We need a law to prevent that. Whether Obama was born in America is irrelevant. Really.

David in NH

Dear David,

We note that no “birther bill” was needed for your Deputy Secretary of State to discover that the Egyptian-born American was not qualified. Saying that candidate “probably would have” ended up on the ballot is like saying the battles of Lexington and Concord “probably would have” been fought in your state, if the militias had decided to march there and the British had followed them. As your your not knowing where President Obama was born, we note that willful ignorance is a sound basis for policy, except perhaps in New Hamsachusibenya.

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Dear Ms. Crissie,

I’m planning a trip to New London, the capital of New England. Can I get Chef’s Apple Cinnamon Pancakes there, or will I have to make them myself.

New Hungry in Blogistan

Dear New Hungry,

We regret to inform you that New London is not the capital of New England. We don’t know if you would find Chef’s Apple Cinnamon Pancakes in New London, but you can find them elsewhere in New England. Or you can make them yourself.

In a large bowl, mix 1 teaspoon of baking soda, 2 cups of flour, 2 teaspoons of baking powder, 2 Tablespoons of brown sugar, and 1 teaspoon of ground cinnamon. In a separate bowl, blend 2 beaten eggs, 1½ cups of buttermilk, ½ cup of sour cream, and ¼ cup of melted butter. Stir the liquid into the dry mix until until the flour is moist, then stir in 1 peeled, cored, and grated apple. Place large spoonfuls onto a hot, buttered griddle and cook until the edges set up and the bottom is golden brown. Then flip and cook until a toothpick comes out clean. Serve with maple syrup from the state of your choice. Bon appétit!

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Sources:

Michelle in MN; Democrat stamped on birth certificate in Minnesota; born in Iowa.

Martin in NH.

David in NH.

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Happy Sunday!