“Is he there yet?” Ms. Scarlet asked.
“I’m sure he’s fine,” Professor Plum said. “He travels a lot.”
Ms. Scarlet nodded. “That’s the problem.” (More)
They were worried about the BPI Squirrel, whom we sent to Wisconsin to cover the union rallies. He also hopes to interview Governor Scott Walker, though we told him not to get his hopes up on that. Pootie the Precious watched her iHazPhone, waiting for the contact. Chef and the Professor of Astrology Janitor even called off the staff poker game. Pootie P’s iHazPhone mewled. Chef hopped up, thinking it was the Professor of Astrology Janitor, then paused. Finally Pootie P made a happy trill. Chef smiled and headed off to make a Bacon and Cheese Scramble while your lowly mail room clerk monitored the text conversation:
PootieP@BPI: O gud! U made it!
Squirrel@BPI: Yes, finally. North Central Blogistan is a long way from South Blogistan. They aren’t kidding with the “satellite campus” thing.
PootieP@BPI: U sat on a lite?
Squirrel@BPI: Never mind.
PootieP@BPI: OK. R U exai ecksi glad to be dere?
Squirrel@BPI: I’m glad to be somewhere that isn’t an airplane or an airport.
PootieP@BPI: R U at the rallee now?
Squirrel@BPI: Yes. It makes me miss the 60s.
PootieP@BPI: Ur not dat old.
Squirrel@BPI: I mean the temperature.
PootieP@BPI: O. Iz it cold dere?
Squirrel@BPI: You could say that. My nuts are frozen.
PootieP@BPI: Um, u shuddent say dat.
Squirrel@BPI: Why … oh. No, I brought a bag of macadamias, in case I wanted a snack. But they’re frozen.
PootieP@BPI: O. Datz OK to say. Mebbe get pizza? I herd a pizza shop brings dem free.
Squirrel@BPI: Yes, Ian’s Pizza has delivered thousands. People from all over the world have donated.
PootieP@BPI: If more hoomans were like dat, dey wuddent need ralleez.
Squirrel@BPI: That’s true. These rallies have shown some humans at their finest. Others, not so much.
PootieP@BPI: Did sumpin bad happen? I hazzent herd about it.
Squirrel@BPI: Well, I tried to see Gov. Walker.
PootieP@BPI: O guddee!
Squirrel@BPI: Not really. He wouldn’t see me.
PootieP@BPI: Did u say u were a koke deeler?
Squirrel@BPI: Um, no. I did tell his secretary I was a Koch brother.
PootieP@BPI: Dat diddent get u in?
Squirrel@BPI: She said the Koch brothers don’t have bushy tails. So I said I was their legislative liaison.
PootieP@BPI: Dat soundz fancee. Id beleeve u.
Squirrel@BPI: She said their legislative liaisons don’t have fluffy ears.
PootieP@BPI: Da koke deelers haz fluffy ears and da legis fancee peeps haz bushy tails?
Squirrel@BPI: I’m not sure. Anyway, she wouldn’t let me in. So I asked her to give him my question.
PootieP@BPI: Wat kwestshun?
Squirrel@BPI: When the blogger posing as David Koch suggested “planting some troublemakers” at the rally, Gov. Walker said “the only problem” was that he didn’t think it was necessary. I asked if he was a sociopath or just a graduate of the Mafia College of Moral Reasoning.
PootieP@BPI: O datz a gud kwestshun!
Squirrel@BPI: Thanks. I thought it was. She disagreed and asked me to leave.
PootieP@BPI: Aww. Did u leev?
Squirrel@BPI: Well, I’d heard Gov. Walker keeps a baseball bat in his office. Leaving seemed prudent. So now I’m back outside. With my frozen nuts.
PootieP@BPI: Mebbe u culd go see da Perfess Profec HEMMED lady. She lives dere an I bet she haz a warm house.
Squirrel@BPI: Now that’s a good idea. She might even let me use the HEMMED Lab to do some research for my thesis on 21st Century Political Nuttitude.
PootieP@BPI: Mebbe so. Juz dont touch da red button. O Chef haz noms reddy.
Squirrel@BPI: What’s she making for breakfast?
Squirrel@BPI: Are you still there?
Squirrel@BPI: Guess not. Oh well. I’ll go find the HEMMED Lab. Gotta thaw out my nuts before I get cranky. Bye.
We’re sure the Professor of Topofclassclownistics will let him in. She’s Wisconsin Nice, after all.
As for Chef’s breakfast recipe, first lightly brown 5 strips of bacon in a frying pan. Cut the bacon into chunks and return to the fry pan, turning the heat down to medium. Add ½ cup of roughly chopped sweet onion and ½ cup of sliced mushrooms. Cook until onions begin to soften, then add ½ cup of diced tomatoes seasoned with a dash of salt and black pepper. Cover and cook for 3 minutes, then add 2 beaten eggs. Cook until eggs are almost firm, stirring frequently. Sprinkle with ½ cup of grated Wisconsin cheddar cheese and cover for 2 minutes, until the cheese melts. Bon appétit!