“Is he okay?” Professor Plum asked cautiously.
“I think he will be,” Ms. Scarlet said. “It’s PCPACSD. Post-CPAC Stress Disorder.” (More)
The BPI Squirrel, our roving correspondent, seemed dazed as we brought him home from the airport last night. Chef thought he would be hungry and brought macadamias. He put them in his bag with hardly a word. At random moments he cried out “Red menace! Long in the tooth!” The Professor of Astrology Janitor tried to organize the staff poker game, hoping to distract him, but the Squirrel wasn’t interested. Ms. Scarlet stroked his ear tufts, but that didn’t help either. As Chef went to the kitchen to make comfort food, Hearty Sausage and Hash Browns, Pootie the Precious took out her iHazPhone and began to get the story.
PootieP@BPI: R u ok? No um, wats rong?
Squirrel@BPI: They’re out to get me.
Squirrel@BPI: Those people at CPAC.
PootieP@BPI: Wats a see pack?
Squirrel@BPI: A big conservative gathering. BPI sent me to cover it.
PootieP@BPI: How can u cover sumpin big? Ur little.
Squirrel@BPI: Oh. Not cover that way. I was supposed to cover it like a reporter: watch it and write about it.
PootieP@BPI: i c. Did you?
Squirrel@BPI: I watched. I couldn’t write. Finally hid in a tree.
Squirrel@BPI: They were after me. Oh, they didn’t say so outright. But I heard it in the code.
PootieP@BPI: Wat code?
Squirrel@BPI: For starters, this Daniels guy talked about the new “Red Menace.” He said it was the debt, but I know he really meant my kind of squirrels.
PootieP@BPI: Um, ok, maybe.
Squirrel@BPI: Then this Breitbart guy said the Code Pink ladies used to be “slutty lefties” but now they’re “long in the tooth.” Get it? Like squirrels. He even said groups like that are “not Americans. They’re animals.”
PootieP@BPI: R u sure they meant u?
Squirrel@BPI: Hmm. Good question. I guess when you spend three days hanging around paranoid people, it starts to rub off.
PootieP@BPI: Y do they have two noids?
Squirrel@BPI: Huh? Oh. No, not pair of noid. Paranoid. People who see enemies everywhere. Like T-Paw.
PootieP@BPI: Wat are tea paws? Like wen i bat the ice in Chef’s glass?
Squirrel@BPI: No. T-Paw is the nickname for Tim Pawlenty. I think his people think it makes him sound tough.
PootieP@BPI: Sounds like a stuffed dinosaur. Or wen i bat the ice in Chef’s glass.
Squirrel@BPI: Anyway, he was there. Gave a big speech. Talked a lot about God and bullies. He actually said “might makes right.”
PootieP@BPI: Um, like his right hand is stronger or sumpin?
Squirrel@BPI: No, like the biggest and strongest is always good.
PootieP@BPI: Um, dats rong. To be good u haz to do good things. Not just be bigger and stronger.
Squirrel@BPI: I agree. What he said was so ridiculous it had to be code. And since squirrels are little….
PootieP@BPI: Maybe it wasn’t code. Maybe he’s just redik ridik not reel smart.
Squirrel@BPI: That’s true. This other guy, Ron Paul, said he had a great deal for young people: they could pay 10% in taxes and get nothing from government for the rest of their lives.
PootieP@BPI: How is that a great deal? It sounds redik ridik not reel smart.
Squirrel@BPI: That’s why I thought it had to be code for something. But maybe you’re right. Maybe it wasn’t code. Maybe it was just a bunch of ridiculous … um … not real smart ideas.
PootieP@BPI: Do u feel better?
Squirrel@BPI: Yes, thanks.
PootieP@BPI: So we can haz noms? Chef iz making sumpin.
Squirrel@BPI: What is she making?
PootieP@BPI: Um, I’ll let da mail room clerk.
Whew. It seems our beloved Squirrel will recover. We thank Pootie the Precious for helping. As for Chef’s Hearty Sausage and Hash Browns comfort food breakfast, cook 4 cups of frozen cubed hash brown potatoes and ¼ cup diced green pepper in an oiled skillet over medium heat, until the potatoes are golden brown. Next add ¼ cup of sliced smoked sausage, and cook until heated. Finally, remove the skillet from the heat, sprinkle with grated Cheddar cheese, and cover and let it stand until the cheese is melted. Bon appétit!