Professor Plum and Ms. Scarlet made their picks in the BPI playoff pool. We question their reasons…. (More)

Professor Plum used a complex statistical analysis of comparative team strengths, weighted for injuries and home field advantage. Ms. Scarlet’s favored teams whose uniforms include yellow, her second favorite color. The Professor of Astrology Janitor went with gut feelings. The BPI Squirrel wrote an app for his Blewberry that synthesized every football-related story on the Internet over the past week. And we thought he was researching his thesis on 21st Century Political Nuttitude. Chef expressed her choices in Pittsburgh Chipped Ham and Wisconsin Cheese Omelets, which she is making now. That leaves your lowly mail room clerk to derive our picks from the week’s mail….

+++++

Dear Ms. Crissie,

We want to bring private capital back into mortgage finance, and that’s why we want the government to let us take over Fannie Mac and Freddie Mae. We will bring the same innovation and efficiency to regular home loans that we brought to home refinancing and other mortgages. Of course we expect a reasonable return for this service, but our proposal would get government out of the home mortgage business except for its proper role in underwriting losses.

Go Jets on Wall Street

Dear Go Jets,

We have no doubt that you would bring the same “innovation and efficiency” you brought to other mortgages over the past decade. Indeed that’s exactly what worries us. Thus, we think it’s time to ground those jets.

+++++

Dear Ms. Crissie,

That sounds almost as promising as our new regulations for treatment plants that will lower industrial pollution in our water. We want the Monangahela and other rivers and streams to be clean again. Every drop of water that comes out of a tap should meet state and federal standards, and if it doesn’t we will notify the public immediately.

Go Steelers in PA

Dear Go Steelers,

We applaud your efforts. While we note there are still problems in the system, it seems you are working to make drinking and ground water safer for the residents of your state. We wish you well in your efforts.

+++++

Dear Ms. Crissie,

You’re going to choose Chicago in the NFC Championship game, right? If not, we can send a former cop to beat and shock you until you realize it’s just better to say what we want to hear. My client said he was a broken man at his sentencing hearing, but he did not mean to express remorse or suggest he did anything wrong. I don’t think it’s just that he spends even a day in jail, let alone four-and-a-half years.

Go Bears in IL

Dear Go Bears,

We agree that a four-and-a-half year sentence for convictions involving the torture of criminal suspects is unjust. While we agree with the sentencing judge who considered your client’s unwillingness to acknowledge the truth, we believe four-and-a-half years is not long enough for his betrayal of his sworn duty to uphold the law. That includes his behavior and that of his fellow officers.

+++++

Dear Ms. Crissie,

My election as Chairman of the Republican National Committee was a huge victory for the state of Wisconsin. I have no desire to become a cable TV rock star. I’m somebody who is willing to work like a dog. I’m sure this will be echoed in our victory today.

Go Packers in WI

Dear Go Packers,

We concede there is poetic irony in a party that backs the soul-sucking theory of trickle down economics electing a chairman whose name is an anagram for “Incubi Pee Errs.” And incubi are a mythological counterpoint to saints, whose team won last year. And as incubi are supernatural and it is the Super Bowl….

+++++

Dear Ms. Crissie,

So like Ms. Scarlet and Chef, you’re picking the Steelers and Packers to win today? And where can I get Pittsburgh-style chipped ham and Wisconsin cheese for that omelet?

Superbly Hungry in Blogistan

Dear Superbly Hungry,

Yes, we join with Ms. Scarlet and Chef’s choices. As for the breakfast omelet ingredients, Chef shaves ordinary ham with her mandolin using the thinnest blade setting, and most groceries carry Wisconsin cheddar cheese. Bon appétit!

+++++

Sources:

Go Jets on Wall Street.

Go Steelers in PA.

Go Bears in IL.

Go Packers in WI.

+++++

Happy Sunday!