Professor Plum and Ms. Scarlet tiptoed into the mail room looking like shattered candy canes. “Red and white camo,” Plum whispered. “We’re doing recon.”

“Looking for what?” the Squirrel texted.

“The enemy,” Ms. Scarlet explained. “In the War On Christmas.”

“I forgot to hide the mail,” the Squirrel texted. “Too much eggnog.” (More)

Our tufted-eared, fluffy-tailed roving correspondent has a well-known penchant for eggnog. Besides, things are often forgotten amidst the holiday rush. For example, the Professor of Astrology Janitor forgot to include the ingredients to the Secret Cleaning Formula on his gift list, so Chef had to look it up online. He also forgot that Chef never bets after his check on the final card unless she holds the best possible hand. His Jack-high straight fell to her Ace-high straight. He began his plaintive mewling, Chef scurried to the kitchen to use holiday dinner leftovers in Mashed Potato Pancakes, and your lowly mail room clerk was left to review the week’s correspondence….

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Dear Ms. Crissie,

I can’t believe Harry Reid made us stay in session until almost Christmas. What’s going on here is sacreligious. It’s just wrong. This is the most sacred holiday for Christians. We should have been home with our families, not in Washington voting to ratify the START Treaty.

Jim in SC

Dear Jim,

We suggest that if the angelic choir sang “Peace on earth, good will toward men” on the first Christmas – as stated in Luke’s Gospel – then voting to ratify a treaty to reduce the number of nuclear weapons is entirely in keeping with the spirit of the season. You and your colleagues were still getting paid, and we support Majority Leader Reid’s decision that you should earn your pay. As he said, we do not need sanctimonious lessons from you on the meaning of Christmas.

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Dear Ms. Crissie,

This is just another front in the War On Christmas. Even my hometown of Tulsa is not secure. They renamed our annual parade the Holiday Parade of Lights. I am hopeful that the good people of Tulsa and the city’s leadership will demand a correction to this shameful attempt to take Christ, the true reason for our celebration, out of the parade’s title. And until the parade is again named the Christmas Parade of Lights, I will not participate.

Another Jim in OK

Dear Another Jim,

We hope you were not too disappointed that your hometown’s Holiday Parade of Lights was a great success. Thankfully, Tulsa Mayor Dewey Bartlett is “sensitive to the importance of the many cultures and traditions that make up our city.” The local newpaper’s headline called the parade “Full of Christmas,” and there were several floats with banners reading “United in the spirit of Christmas.” We suggest they understand more about that spirit than you do.

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Dear Ms. Crissie,

It’s not only a War On Christmas. The Judeo-Christian values on which America was founded are under attack. On one side, we have freedom and religion. On the other, we have atheism and totalitarianism. In 2009, President Obama ordered that all religious symbols be covered during his speech at Georgetown University. Congress even passed special thought crime laws to protect homosexuals, without any exceptions for pedophilia. Unless Christians win this war, America will be destroyed.

Brad in CA

Dear Brad,

We suggest your persecution complex might be more justified were it not for several facts. For example, 76% of Americans self-identify as Christian, so you are hardly a minority. Religion has no exclusive claim on freedom. There are many examples of religious states – past and present – which allowed little or no civil liberties. President Obama quoted from the Sermon on the Mount in that speech at Georgetown, and has often quoted Bible passages in major speeches. And studies have shown no correlation between sexual orientation and pedophilia. We suggest your personal religious symbol should be tin foil.

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Dear Ms. Crissie,

I guess I was uninformed, as the only war I experienced this holiday season was over whether to have another slice of pie. I suppose I should buy a flak jacket, but it won’t fit until I work off the holiday meals. Speaking of that, how does Chef make her Mashed Potato Pancakes?

Wideningly Cheerful in Blogistan

Dear Wideningly Cheerful,

We doubt you will need a flak jacket. As for the holiday meals, that’s why we invented New Year’s Resolutions. And Chef’s Mashed Potato Pancakes are easy to make. First mix 1 egg, ¼ cup of flour, salt, pepper, minced garlic, and minced chives into into 2 cups of mashed potatoes. Preheat a skillet with a bit of cooking oil, then pour ¼ cup of batter for each pancake into the pan and brown on both sides. During the holiday season, Chef tops her Mashed Potato Pancakes with applesauce. Bon appétit!

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Sources:

Jim in SC; “Peace on earth, good will toward men.”

Another Jim in OK; Tulsa newspaper report.

Brad in CA.

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Happy Sunday!