Professor Plum and Ms. Scarlet dressed in 1960s-era Get Smart raincoats before poking their noses into the BPI mail room this morning.

“Do you see anything?” Plum asked.

“No,” Ms. Scarlet replied.

“Okay,” he said. “On to the kitchen then.”

Apparently the Squirrel forgot to hide the mail…. (More)

There was plenty to see in the mail room. The Squirrel was leading the staff poker game, having mastered the strategy of waiting for the Janitor Professor of Astrology to make a mistake. Chef, in turn, was waiting for the Squirrel to make a mistake. Your lowly mail room clerk was waiting for the Janitor Professor of Astrology to begin his plaintive mewling, so Chef would scurry off to prepare an enticing breakfast, thus leaving us time to reveal the week’s correspondence. With so many people waiting, you would think Professor Plum and Ms. Scarlet would have seen something suspicious …

… but we are getting ahead of ourselves….

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Dear Ms. Crissie,

Did you know President Obama impregnated a space alien? Or maybe he was impregnated by one. To find out which, I’d have to read the tabloids beside this checkout counter in WalMart. I don’t have time to read the tabloids because I’m looking for suspicious somethings. If I see a suspicious something, I’m supposed to say something to someone. The government says this will help keep us safe from terrorists. But I don’t know what to look for, what to say, or to whom. The government video playing in the store didn’t explain that. Will I find the details in the tabloids?

Secret Spy in Walmartistan

Dear Secret Spy,

We cannot say whether you will find the details on suspicious somethings and someones in supermarket tabloids, as we do not read those tabloids. However, the Department of Homeland Security gave an example of its “See Something, Say Something” campaign: the New York City street vendor who saw smoke billowing from a car in Times Square and called the police.

So if you see smoke billowing from a car inside a WalMart, we suggest you call a New York City street vendor. Likewise for WalMart shoppers who try to set fire to their underwear or shoes, unless they are doing so to protest having to wait for days to check out because the store has only one checkout lane open. In that case, we suggest you use common sense and stand upwind.

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Dear Ms. Crissie,

Okay, that makes sense. Thank you for your help.

Secret Spy in Walmartistan

P.S.: Can I wear my green or blue secret spy buttons now? I’ve worn out the yellow and orange ones. And how will I know which button to wear if the Department of Homeland Security follows through on their plan to discontinue color-coded terror alerts?

Dear Secret Spy,

We understand. Since the inception of the color-coded alert system, the Department of Homeland Security has never set the code below yellow. As the current alert colors have not changed since 2006 – yellow for most of America, orange for airports – we are not surprised that you have worn out your yellow and orange secret spy buttons. If you would like to change to the blue or green secret spy buttons, we see no reason to object. As for which secret spy buttons to wear if DHS discontinues the color-coded alerts, we suggest the invisible ones. Those have the additional advantage of being more secret.

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Dear Ms. Crissie,

Where do I find those invisible secret spy buttons? I looked all over WalMart and didn’t see them.

Secret Spy in Walmartistan

Dear Secret Spy,

We suggest this proves their effectiveness.

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Dear Ms. Crissie,

I think you made up this week’s mail because you’re still traveling and couldn’t get to the BPI mail room. I bet that’s also why you didn’t mention some special breakfast recipe that Chef is making today.

Openly Suspicious in Blogistan

Dear Openly Suspicious,

We will neither confirm nor deny your suspicious. We do, however, suggest you contact a New York City street vendor.

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Sources:

Secret Spy in Walmartistan; DHS may discontinue color alert codes.

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Happy Sunday!