Thanksgiving is a happy holiday at Casa Crissie. We gather in the kitchen to cook and talk. Then we move to the dining room to eat and talk. Then to the kitchen to do dishes and talk. Then to the living room to watch football and talk. Or snore. (More)

Happy Thanksgiving, Part II – Holiday Survival

This week Morning Feature will be thankful. Yesterday we said thanks for the past year. Today we say thanks for surviving another Thanksgiving. Saturday we’ll say thanks for surviving another Day After Thanksgiving, the official start of the Christmas Shopping Season. By Sunday, our jaws will ache from all those thankful smiles. In fact, we’ll be so @%#&! thankful….

Thanksgiving is a relaxed day at Casa Crissie. Yes, we always forget something, but we don’t fret it. We’ll just bake those crescent rolls today, to enjoy with leftover turkey and gravy and stuffing and mashed potatoes and green bean casserole and stuffed celery and chocolate silk pie and … see why we didn’t fret about the rolls?

Plus the Patriots won. Sadly, so did the Saints. Sadly, because that keeps them ahead of the Buccaneers in the NFC South. But at least the Cowboys lost, again. The Bengals also lost, again. As did my old high school, again. Some traditions remain.

A Thanksgiving tradition:

Unlike every other family in America, whose holidays are always filled with joy and bonhomie, the Dysfunctional (not our real name) family adopted a different approach. We treated holidays like any other day of the year: an opportunity for scientific inquiry. We decorated with reams of graph paper plotting a rising line of Uproar vs. Time, based on data from holidays past. Each year, we tweaked different variables to accelerate the rise toward Stomping Out Of The Room.

There were some fixed values in the equation. For example, the morning Uproar curve was always interrupted by the annual Thanksgiving Day football game. Such games are a venerable tradition in Massachusetts, and Maybe Next Year High School’s annual foe were our archrivals, Nyah Nyah Beat You Again High School. Local legend was that this had once been a competitive matchup. MNYHS even won the Thanksgiving Day game, the year before the Dysfunctional family moved to town. But MNYHS lost every year we lived there. Maybe that’s why our going away party was so festive.

I was in the marching band, so after a mild spike for Yes You Will Eat Breakfast Dammit, the game interrupted the Uproar Curve. The curve remained flat for an hour or so after the game, due to to the Inverse Shiver-Shout function. Once we and the turkey thawed, the Diminishing Time and Escalating Expectations functions dominated, and the Uproar Curve began to climb. The exponent of We Don’t Like Sweet Potatoes in the integral of Why Even Bother, measuring the area of Gravy Displacement over New Tablecloth, was enough to trigger the reaction cycle.

All that remained was volume. Lots and lots of volume.

An anomalous sample?

Fortunately, the Dysfunctional family was unique. For every other American family – based on data from grocery store TV ads – holidays were a time when the Discord denominator of the Joy Equation approached zero, thus the Joy Quotient approached infinity. Only the salt and pepper shakers disagreed:

Thus, based on years of experimental data, we offer these Holiday Survival Tips:

  1. Don’t go to the Dysfunctional family for Thanksgiving.
  2. Don’t be a ceramic salt or pepper shaker.

Avoid those two mistakes, and your holidays should be as blissful as ours was yesterday. Until we began snoring.

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Happy Friday!