“That was intense,” Professor Plum said, straightening his hair.

“Sure was,” Ms. Scarlet agreed, holding a broken shoe.

“Hot date?” the BPI Squirrel texted on his Blewberry.

Ms. Scarlet blushed. “No, cutie. The debating society cage match was tonight.”

The Squirrel glared and rapped at his keypad. “Cutie?!?” (More)

Chef distracted the Squirrel with a bowl of macadamias while Professor Plum and Ms. Scarlet escaped to join the resident faculty in the wine cellar library, where they’ll spend the weekend drinking thinking on our motto of Magis vinum, magis verum (“More wine, more truth”). The Professor of Astrology Janitor then cleared his throat and politely asked if the staff poker game might continue. He was ahead on the night, and had just begun a new hand with a small raise before the interruption. The game did continue. Everyone folded, leaving the him winning only the blinds with a pair of Kings. The Professor of Astrology Janitor began his plaintive mewling. The Squirrel thwacked away on his Blewberry. Chef headed for the kitchen to make Blueberry Breakfast Smoothies, leaving your lowly mail room clerk to review the week’s correspondence….

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Dear Ms. Crissie,

You liberals clearly don’t understand the importance of traditional marriage. That’s why I explained that if we don’t preserve marriage for only one man and one woman, we’ll end up like Sparta with kids being raised in warehouses to be warriors. That’s a good way to defend a country but a bad way to run a civilization.

Steve in IA

Dear Steve,

We confess that we are baffled by your syllogism. Sparta did allow polygamy, and soldiers lived together in barracks rather than at home with their wives and children. Indeed, a Spartan wedding was more rape than romance. The bride was abducted at night, her head shaved, dressed in male clothing, and left lying in the dark on a straw pallet. The groom went in and mated with her, then returned to his barracks. However, we see no link between that and recognizing marriage between LGBT couples. Moreover, if you believe they are the same, why do you oppose letting LGBTs serve openly in our military?

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Dear Ms. Crissie,

That’s one way to smack down a political opponent. I prefer the more direct version, and that’s why I got arrested. But it was her fault. She was protesting outside my local party headquarters, wearing a bag over her head and holding a big blank campaign donor check. I wanted to take her picture, so I ripped the bag off her head and hit her when she resisted. She was the protester. Why am I in trouble?

Victor in WA

Dear Victor,

We suggest you’re in trouble because political protests are the very core of protected speech under the First Amendment, while hitting someone is a crime. Even if you hit a protester. Even if you hit a woman.

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Dear Ms. Crissie,

That woman should apologize to Victor in WA, just like the woman whose head I stepped on should apologize to me. I thought she was threatening Rand Paul, but I might have hurt my back if I’d bent over to keep her on the ground. Now I’ve been charged with a crime. She’s a professional at what she does and I think when all the facts come out, I think people will see that she’s the one who initiated the whole thing.

Tim in KY

Dear Tim,

We think people who stomp on the heads of others should not use the words “I think” in a sentence. As for apologies, we’ll let Lauren Valle speak for herself:

Mr. Profitt, You have asked that I apologize to you. Perhaps this is not the apology that you are looking for, but I do have some things to say.

I have been called a progressive, a liberal, a professional agitator. You have been called a conservative, a Republican, a member of the Tea Party movement. Fundamentally and most importantly, you and I are both human beings. We are also both American citizens. These two facts, to me, are far more meaningful than the multitude of labels that we carry. And if these two facts are true then it means we are on the same team.

I have not been for one moment angry with you and your actions. Instead I feel thoroughly devastated. It is evident that your physical assault on me is symptomatic of the crisis that this country is struggling through. And it seems that I will heal from my injuries long before this country can work through our separation. Only when we decide let go of our hate, our violence and our aggression will we be able to communicate to each other about the issues that divide us. Right now, we are not communicating, we are stomping on each other. No one can ever win, no one can ever be heard, with violence.

You and I, as fellow citizens, and we, as a country, have a choice. Either we choose to continue the cycle of inflicting violence upon each other, screaming at each other, insulting each other and putting one another down or we and find a way to sit down and start listening to each other. We’ll see how far we get. We are all viciously and vociferously feeding a fire that will only burn us down together. We must reach inside ourselves and make space for each other. We must forgive each other. We must believe in our capacity for transformation. The moment we choose compassion and reconciliation is the moment that we will begin to move toward freedom. There is no other way.

I believe that you should be held accountable for your actions but I also recognize the incredibly negative impact that the consequences must be having on your life, and I wish you all the best as you yourself heal from this. Violence hurts everyone.

We agree.

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Dear Ms. Crissie,

It sounds like Chef has the right idea. We need to smooth out our disagreements. So how do I make that Blueberry Breakfast Smoothie?

Smoothly Hungry in Blogistan

Dear Smoothly Hungry,

This is an easy recipe. Simply put 1 pint of fresh blueberries (or 2 cups of frozen blueberries, slightly thawed) in a blender, along with 1 cup of pineapple or orange juice, 1 8-oz container of lowfat plain yogurt, and 2 teaspoons of sugar or Splenda. Blend until smooth and pour into two tall glasses. Bon appétit!

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Sources:

Steve in IA; Spartan marriage.

Victor in WA.

Tim in KY; additional comments.

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Happy Halloween!