Ms. Scarlet notched another yet victory, this time in the faculty Charades tournament. The Charade that put her over the top was Last Tango in Paris. Professor Plum called it, “Two hours of laughter interrupted by five minutes of sheer terror.”

Had he found the mail? Well, he didn’t touch his nose…. (More)

“He couldn’t have,” the BPI Squirrel confidently texted on his Blewberry. “Pootie the Precious and I found the perfect hiding place.”

That explains at least part of the scent, which so distracted the Professor of Astrology Janitor that he folded the Jack and Ten of Clubs to Chef’s small opening raise so he could fetch his odor neutralizer spray. Chef and the Squirrel continued the hand, each trying to push the other off an Ace-King on an Ace-King-Queen flop by bluffing a made flush. Neither had the flush, and neither believed the other did. They split the pot, and the Professor of Astrology Janitor began spritzing and mewling. He would have had a flush, the royal kind, as the flop was the Ace, King, and Queen … of Clubs.

That revelation sent Chef scurrying to the kitchen to prepare 5-Minute Breakfast Crumbles, and left your lowly mail room clerk to review the week’s correspondence….

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Dear Ms. Crissie,

You liberals don’t understand terrorism. At Fox News we do, and that’s why I immediately linked Friday’s shutdown of the Brooklyn Bridge to our exclusive report that a Pakistani Taliban agent may in the U.S. trying to repeat the failed Times Square bombing. The incident on the bridge was a false alarm, but it’s my journalistic duty to ensure our viewers are aware of any possible terrorist activity.

Martha in NJ

Dear Martha,

We suggest that “journalistic duty” and network agenda are not synonyms. While law enforcement were right to shut down the bridge until they were sure that what looked like a flashlight was actually a flashlight, your leap to link that to your network’s report of a Pakistani Taliban sleeper agent was not journalism. It was speculation. And worse, it was speculation based on a false report, as the FBI quickly determined the informant who claimed a Pakistani agent had infiltrated the U.S. was lying. Rushing on the air with a report that a flashlight may be a bomb planted by a rumored sleeper agent fits your network’s agenda of Fear Unbalanced, but that’s propaganda … not journalism.

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Dear Ms. Crissie,

Don’t talk about journalism. The press are saying I’m anti-Hispanic because I’m running an ad highlighting my concern about securing our borders. Our most porous border is in the north, with Canada, and that’s what I’m really worried about. You should get the story right before you criticize others.

Sharron in NV

Dear Sharron,

We suggest your claim would be more credible if the foreigners in your ad had white skin and wore hockey jerseys. But the foreigners in your ad, suspiciously identical to the foreigners in an for Sen. David Vitter, have dark skin and dress like gang members. However, we understand that it’s difficult to get specific images when your party buys bulk rights to Scary Brown People stock photos.

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Dear Ms. Crissie,

In the interests of journalistic integrity, can you affirm that I can make Chef’s 5-Minute Breakfast Crumble in five minutes?

Concerned About Recipe Integrity in Blogistan

Dear Concerned About Recipe Integrity,

We’re sorry to report that no, you can’t make Chef’s 5-Minute Breakfast Crumble in five minutes. Chef says it takes about ten minutes. First place two eggs in a saucepan and cover with water. Bring the water to a boil, then reduce heat to simmer. Add a patty of precooked chicken sausage, and cook for five minutes (thus the recipe’s name). While the eggs are cooking, toast two slices of bread and cut into cubes. Put the toast into a bowl, crumble the eggs and sausage on top, gently stir, and it’s ready. Bon appétit!

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Sources:

Martha in NJ; exclusive threat report; discredited by FBI.

Sharron in NV; same stock photo as Vitter ad.

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Happy Sunday!