Professor Plum limped into the mail room, holding Ms. Scarlet’s hand for support. “I’m never entering the faculty Twister tournament again,” he said as Chef brought him a bag of ice. “I’m too old to be a pretzel.”

“Don’t look at me,” the BPI Squirrel texted. “He couldn’t have found the mail.” (More)

We didn’t realize the resident faculty Twister tournament was this weekend, but that explains why many moved slowly on their way to the wine cellar library to spend the weekend drinking thinking on our motto of Magis vinum, magis verum (“More wine, more truth”). The good news is that Professor Plum is fine; he simply bumped his butt when he couldn’t manage the next Right Foot Green. The bad news is that we had to destroy the video of the event, as Ms. Scarlet’s skirt was less than adequate when she did manage Right Foot Green. The Professor of Astrology Janitor was not convinced, even after watching the video several times. But Chef insisted and even the Squirrel agreed. The Professor of Astrology Janitor began his plaintive mewling as we pressed the Erase button. That sent Chef to the kitchen to bake Emeril Lagasse’s Breakfast Pretzels, leaving your lowly mail room clerk to review the week’s correspondence….

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Dear Ms. Crissie,

As the founder of the Tea Party Patriots, I was appalled when Rep. Eric Cantor (R-VA) said he did not want to shut down the federal government. Maybe I’m just one of those yahoos, but I think it’s crazy to take anything off the table. We have to defund health care, and in battle you don’t tell the other side we’ll only go so far.

Mark in CA

Dear Mark,

We applaud your honesty in admitting you’re one of those yahoos, though we think you’re more likely a rebel without a clue. Playing Chicken with the federal government is not tough negotiating. It’s dangerous and sophomoric bravado. You may think your radical agenda is more important than the millions whose lives would be threatened by a shutdown, but we think government is about real people, not partisan machismo.

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Dear Ms. Crissie,

People who depend on government are exactly what’s wrong with this country. The only way to control the deficit is to defeat the Democrats. We need the country Ronald Reagan built, not the country Barack Obama is building. We can’t let Democrats put us deeper in debt, and that’s why my film has a scene where Reagan knocks out Obama.

Ray in CA

Dear Ray,

We suggest your film would make more sense if you didn’t twist your facts inside-out. President Reagan tripled the federal debt, and President George W. Bush doubled it yet again, both by cutting taxes while bloating the defense budget. You excuse President Bush’s war deficits by showing a clip of 9/11, but that twists the facts as Iraq was not responsible for the 9/11 attacks. Your film’s title – I Want Your Money – would be accurate were it about the wealthy seizing an ever-increasing slice of the pie. But in defending those policies, it moves from film to flim-flam.

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Dear Ms. Crissie,

You obviously don’t understand the difference between fact and fiction. Take the ad for my Senate campaign in West Virginia. I realize not every resident of that great state is a hicky, blue-collar miner or truck driver in a worn flannel shirt over a white t-shirt with a beat-up John Deer hat. But we wanted to show those people that I’m on their side. Those people might not know that because my family lives in a multi-million-dollar Florida mansion with a peach (not pink!) driveway. So I thought I should reach out to those people. What’s wrong with that?

John in I’m-in-WV-It’s-just-my-wife-and-kids-in-FL

Dear John,

We sympathize. It must be very difficult to be misunderstood because people wrongly identify the color of your marble driveway, so of course you’d want to reach out to those people. Surely those people would take no offense when the casting call for your ad asks for hicky blue-collar types and asks the actors to dress in beat-up clothing and hats that misspell John Deere. And don’t worry about your residence. Maybe most of those people’s wives and children also live in Florida. You’re an ordinary guy, after all.

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Dear Ms. Crissie,

I’m not hungry this morning so I can’t wait to make those Breakfast Pretzels. Oh well, I tried to think like your other correspondents.

Knot Hungry in Blogistan

Dear Knot Hungry,

Emeril Lagasse’s Breakfast Pretzels mix a blueberry paste into the dough and are topped with a cinnamon-sugar glaze, so we’re sure they’ll pique your not-appetite. You can find the complete recipe here. Bon appétit!

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Sources:

Mark in CA.

Ray in CA.

John in I’m-in-WV-It’s-just-my-wife-and-kids-in-FL.

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Happy Sunday!