Professor Plum proudly announced that Ms. Scarlet won the resident faculty gymnastics competition with an attempted headstand.

“Attempted?” we asked.

“Well, she didn’t finish it,” he explained. “But no one else even tried.”

“The world looks very different upside down,” Ms. Scarlet added.

Judging by this week’s mail, it does indeed. (More)

The BPI Squirrel was not impressed by Ms. Scarlet’s attempt. “Get back to me when she attempts to climb a tree upside down,” he texted on his Blewberry. “Oh, and I raise.” He usually doesn’t announce his raises by text; he simply pushes the chips into the middle of the table. The Professor of Astrology Janitor, convinced that was a tell, said the Squirrel looked nervous and reraised. The Squirrel quickly pushed his remaining chips into the center, adding by text: “Squirrels always look nervous.” That part at least was true. As for his bets, we’ll never know. The Professor of Astrology Janitor folded and the Squirrel didn’t show his cards, though he did flash a macadamia-eating grin as he scooped in his chips. The Professor of Astrology Janitor began his plaintive mewling, and Chef headed for the kitchen to prepare a Breakfast Upside Down Cake. That left your lowly mail room clerk to review the week’s correspondence….

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Dear Ms. Crissie,

You liberals want to turn America into one of those European welfare states where people take more from the government in benefits than they pay in. The spending and debt we’ve incurred over the past two years has exceeded that which this country incurred in the past 200 years. My party will stop this cycle of spending money we don’t have.

Eric in VA

Dear Eric,

We note that despite two graduate degrees you apparently never developed a grasp of basic mathematics. When President Obama took office, the federal debt was a record $10.6 trillion. Most of that was incurred by President’s Reagan, who tripled the debt during his term, and George W. Bush, who doubled it yet again. President Obama has borrowed only $2.8 trillion in trying to stave off your party’s calamities, and $2.8 trillion is less than $10.6 trillion. Worse, Presidents Reagan and G.W. Bush exploded the debt with the same policies – cutting taxes for the wealthy while dumping trillions of dollars into the military-industrial complex – that your party pledges to resume. The Republican Tea Party loves to complain about debt while making it worse.

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Dear Ms. Crissie,

Liberals shouldn’t talk about history. You say the tea party is about President Obama, but the tea party began with the September 2008 bank bailouts, before President Obama took office. And you say the tea party is about race, but it was Democrats who orchestrated the high-tech lynching of Clarence Thomas.

Dick in TX

Dear Dick,

We see that you studied history in the same way Eric in VA studied mathematics. In fact the first organized tea party protests came on February 27, 2009, a week after CNBC’s Rick Santelli ranted not about bank bailouts, but about plans to help struggling homeowners. It seems saving the bankers’ bonuses was fine, but saving homeowners was too much. As for Justice Thomas, to call his confirmation hearings a “lynching” is to spit on the graves of the 3446 blacks who were lynched between 1882 and 1968, none of whom ended up sitting on the U.S. Supreme Court.

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Dear Ms. Crissie,

You liberals talk about education, but you don’t respect the Oxford education of my former student, Christine O’Donnell. Indeed you ridicule her statements about masturbation, although they are consistent with the Catechism of the Catholic Church. This reflects a continuing bias against Irish Catholics, as evidenced by the fact that the number of Irish Catholic presidents is the same as the number of black presidents: one. Christine O’Donnell would surely add both intellectual and philosophical depth to a Senate that is badly in need of both.

Bruce in Nicaragua

Dear Bruce,

We note that liberals believe education should be about facts, not lies. You did tutor Christine O’Donnell in a course that was held in Oxford, England. But the course was offered by the Phoenix Institute, not by Oxford University, and even the Phoenix Institute called your statement “misleading.” As for Ms. O’Donnell’s statements about masturbation, they have been widely ridiculed because they are ridiculous, and their consistency with Catholic dogma makes them no less so. As for the philosophical and intellectual depth of the Senate, we place Ms. O’Donnell at the shallowest fringe of the pool alongside No-Nothings like Jim DeMint and James Inhofe.

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Dear Ms. Crissie,

This week’s correspondents do drink from an upside down tea cup. Will I be head over heels for Chef’s Breakfast Upside Down Cake? If so, how do I make it?

Acrobatically Hungry in Blogistan

Dear Acrobatically Hungry,

We hope you’ll be head over heels after enjoying Chef’s breakfast, as humans spend most of our lives head over heels. Were we upside down, we’d be heels over head. That said, to make a Breakfast Upside Down Cake, first peel and cube three large potatoes, then put them in a skillet with a bit of olive oil over medium heat along with ½ cup of diced red bell pepper, ½ cup of diced onion, and 2 cloves of chopped garlic. Cover and cook, stirring occasionally, until the potatoes are tender. Next fry 10 strips of bacon until crisp, then drain and crumble them.

Line a 9-inch baking pan with parchment paper, then sprinkle 1 cup of shredded Cheddar cheese in the bottom, followed by the crumbled bacon. Scoop the potato mixture evenly over the bacon, then whisk 4 eggs and 1 teaspoon of milk and pour that over the potatoes. Bake for 20 minutes in an oven preheated to 350°F, until the eggs set. Then run a knife around the edges of the pan, place a serving plate over it, and flip the two upside down. Carefully remove the parchment paper and enjoy. Bon appétit!

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Sources:

Eric in VA; Reagan debt; Bush debt.

Dick in TX; number of lynchings.

Bruce in Nicaragua.

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Happy Sunday!