Professor Plum’s cries stopped the staff poker game cold. He squeezed his thumb and stuttered out the words: “P-P-Paper c-c-cut.”

It was a tiny nick, and we assured him he wouldn’t get gangrene. He’d been looking for the mail, and his blank stare told us he hadn’t found it. (More)

The professor’s howls and jumps, jowls a’hump, quickly calmed. After emergency treatment including soap, water, and a bandaid with a smiley face drawn by Ms. Scarlet, he was ready to join the rest of the resident faculty in the wine cellar library, where they spend the weekend drinking thinking on our motto of Magis vinum, magis verum (“More wine, more truth”). The staff could not remember where they were in the pot that was interrupted by Plum’s thumb. All but the Professor of Astrology Janitor voted to declare it a misdeal. He turned up his pair of Kings and began his plaintive mewling, which sent Chef to the kitchen to prepare Groovy Green Breakfast Smoothies. That left your lowly mail room clerk time to review the week’s correspondence….

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Dear Ms. Crissie,

You liberals don’t understand what it takes to make things better. Yes, it will hurt when we Republicans shut down the federal government in 2011. People will call and say my check didn’t come in, or daddy can’t go to the VA. But I cut myself with a chain saw once and I had to clean out the wound. It hurt, but I didn’t want to get gangrene. Our government has gangrene. It’s going to take some pain to right this ship.

Lynn in GA

Dear Lynn,

We’re sorry to hear you cut yourself with a chain saw, though we doubt you were in danger of gangrene unless you had applied a tourniquet to the wound. The primary cause of gangrene is cutting off blood supply to tissue, and you want to clamp a tourniquet around the neck of government, cutting off services to wounded veterans, retired seniors, and everyone else … in order to force a president you described as “uppity” to adopt your party’s policies of more wealth and privilege for the wealthy and privileged. That isn’t treatment. It’s torture.

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Dear Ms. Crissie,

It’s not torture to call for cutting off government social programs. Rep. Paul Ryan’s (WI) plan to privatize Social Security would triple the earnings of future retirees. The Declaration of Independence declares the right to the pursuit of happiness, not that we get happiness stamps or the government redistributes happiness from the too happy to the unhappy. Even blacks agree. Every year I meet more African Americans who tell me “I’m with you. I support you.”

Newt in GA

Dear Newt,

We suggest that analysts disagree with your claims about privatizing Social Security. The Center for Economic and Policy Research found that privatized programs would cut retirees’ benefits by 45%, and the Center for American Progress found that the 2008 market collapse would have cost the average retiree $25,000 had Social Security been privatized at the time. But you seem to have a penchant for making up facts. Polls show African Americans remain overwhelmingly Democratic. And we have a good idea why.

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Dear Ms. Crissie,

Oh sure, you’re going to blame that on my comment that we should get the federal government out of civil rights and leave that to state and local government, right? But the federal government exists to protect our freedoms, and mandating civil rights from Washington does not protect my freedoms.

Jim in OH

Dear Jim,

Mandating civil rights from Washington may not protect your freedoms, but it does protect the freedoms of those you formerly did and otherwise would oppress. Given comments like yours, and those of Ken in CO last week, we can easily understand why blacks overwhelmingly oppose your party. We realize this may come as a shock, but people don’t support your “freedom” to get rich by oppressing them.

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Dear Ms. Crissie,

That gang does seem to be all about the green. I know they want to take ordinary Americans’ money for themselves, but will they also take my Groovy Green Breakfast Smoothie … once I learn how to make one?

Ordinarily Hungry in Blogistan

Dear Ordinarily Hungry,

We fear they might. Fortunately a Groovy Green Breakfast Smoothie is quick and easy to make. Simply put 1 chopped banana, 1 cup of grapes, ½ apple peeled and cored, 1½ cups of fresh spinach leaves, and 6 ounces of vanilla yogurt in a blender. Cover it and blend until smooth for a delicious breakfast that you can sip even while making GOTV calls to block greedy, hate-filled Tea Party Republicans. Bon appétit!

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Sources:

Lynn in GA; “uppity.”

Newt in GA; Center for Economic and Policy Research; Center for American Progress.

Jim in OH; Ken in CO.

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Happy Sunday!