Professor Plum was bursting with pride after Ms. Scarlett won the second round of the BPI Clue tournament. For those keeping score, she admitted to doing it in the kitchen with the wrench, but said she only went in there to fix a leak.

Which fit the week’s mail. (More)

Her deductive assets were so impressive that the resident faculty invited her to join them in the wine cellar library, where they spend the weekends drinking thinking on our motto of Magis vinum, magis verum (“More wine, more truth”). Or at least those were the assets they cited. The Professor of Astrology Janitor had his own ideas, but Chef’s icy glare kept him from voicing them. The exchange seemed to put Chef off her game in the staff poker tournament, as the Professor of Astrology Janitor bluffed her into folding her pocket Nines to his pocket Sixes on an Ace-high flop. Or maybe she knew the BPI Squirrel had an Ace. Regardless, she was out of the way when another Six came at the river and the bets went up. Sure enough, the Squirrel had an Ace. Two of them, in fact. Plus the third on the flop. Cue the Squirrel’s delighted chittering, and the Professor of Astrology Janitor’s plaintive mewling, and Chef’s trip to the kitchen to check on the Peachy Cinnamon Breakfast Cake. All of which left your lowly mail room clerk time to review the week’s correspondence….

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Dear Ms. Crissie,

People are upset with me because I said the president’s problem is that he was born a Muslim. See, in Islam the seed passes through the father, just as it passes through the mother in Judaism. So since his father was born a Muslim, he was born a Muslim. But I also said the president now claims he became a Christian, and if he has then he’s a Christian, if that’s what he did. I even said I have to believe he is what he has said. So why are people upset?

Franklin in NC

Dear Franklin,

We suggest you clearly intended to reinforce the Muschurian Candidate tinfoil hat theories. You declare President Obama’s Muslim birth as a fact – ignoring that his father renounced Islam before President Obama was born – but equivocate on his declared Christianity. But in May you said that President Obama “only pays attention to black charismatic and Pentecostal pastors.” Perhaps you simply disagree with the president’s Christian denomination. Or you don’t like his skin color, though you say you’re not a racist. And we just have to believe you are what you’ve said.

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Dear Ms. Crissie,

I won’t say President Obama is a Muslim, but he surely understands the Muslim culture. He’s obligated to take care that the laws are faithfully enforced. Since he hasn’t stopped illegal immigration, you can argue that he has violated his oath of office. I don’t think he’ll be impeached. But he doesn’t have an American experience.

Steve in IA

Dear Steve,

We wondered when your party would mention impeachment. (For those keeping score, Chef won the staff pool.) So this president, unlike any president in history, will have committed a “high crime or misdemeanor” by not stopping illegal immigration? We wonder whence this new legal standard comes. Perhaps because “he doesn’t have an American experience,” which canines would hear as “not white?”

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Dear Ms. Crissie,

Did Chef have July 19th in the staff pool? That’s when I said President Obama is awfully close to violating his oath of office by whatever law they’re not enforcing.

Lamar in TX

Dear Lamar,

Chef had Summer 2010, so that includes your comments of July 19th, by whatever rules we’re not enforcing. For the record, we note President Bush refused to enforce parts of over 750 laws, even as he signed them into law. Your party’s commitment to the rule of law would be more convincing were it … what is that word? … consistent.

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Dear Ms. Crissie,

I would just like to note that I am not joining those in my party who have hinted at impeachment. These things get a little politically heated, but that’s pretty serious. I don’t want to throw things around like that. Lamar is a friend of mine, but I don’t want to throw stuff around like that.

Jeff in NE

Dear Jeff,

We applaud your courage, and hope you have an adequate supply of bile-retardant clothing. Please don’t back down in the face of the inevitable right-wing backlash, for which we have already begun a new staff pool.

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Dear Ms. Crissie,

Please pass my congratulations to Chef. And what is that Peachy Cinnamon Breakfast Cake? The very name makes my mouth water enough to fill a staff pool.

Droolingly Peachy in Blogistan

Dear Droolingly Peachy,

We suggest napkins might help, and you will need them. First drain a large can of peaches and set the juice aside, adding water if necessary so you have ¾ cup of liquid. Next chop the peaches. Then, in a medium bowl, combine a package of Cinnamon Streusel Quick Bread mix with one egg and the peach liquid. Fold in the peaches, then pour the batter into a greased, 8″ square pan. Sprinkle on the streusel topping, then bake in a preheated oven at 400°F for about 30 minutes, until golden brown. Chef serves it warm with a dollop of whipped cream, lightly dusted with ground cinnamon. Bon appétit!

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Sources:

Franklin in NC; in May.

Steve in IA.

Lamar in TX; Bush signing statements.

Jeff in NE.

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Happy Sunday!