Professor Plum did that dance this morning while looking for the mail, first shifting from one foot to the other, then hopping. Finally urgency overcame curiosity and he left for the rest room. It seems the BPI Squirrel hid the mail well.

Or maybe Professor Plum found it after all. (More)

We’ll never know, as he didn’t return after his quest for relief. Instead he headed to the wine cellar library to join the rest of the resident faculty in drinking thinking on our motto of Magis vinum, magis verum (“More wine, more truth”). Alas, his urgency may have been contagious. Minutes later, the Professor of Astrology Janitor began tapping his foot, then bouncing his leg and shifting in his chair. Chef suggested a brief break from the staff poker game, but the Professor of Astrology Janitor was on a win streak. Eventually, his win streak still unbroken, he began to issue the same plaintive mewls he usually makes after a crushing defeat. Chef had heard enough, and headed for the kitchen to make an Independent Breakfast. As for the Professor of Astrology Janitor, we never knew he could move that fast. That left your lowly mail room clerk time to review the week’s correspondence….

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Dear Ms. Crissie,

You liberals are so predictable. I said I want people out scraping and clawing and looking for work, not sitting back waiting. And as always, your kind accuse me of being insensitive or even cruel. I want people to be independent, and the best way to make that happen is to not let them depend on government. If we cut off unemployment, people will go back to work and be independent again. Why can’t you liberals understand that?

Zach in TN

Dear Zach,

Perhaps we define “independent” differently. We think that word means more than dropping out of college three times, getting a job in your father’s company, then moving into government, where you campaigned on a promise to serve no more than six terms but are in your eighth and now running for governor. All the while you have called for less government, at least for everyone else. Unemployment is now over 10% in your state, with six applicants for every opening. We hope the good people of Tennessee will soon let you join those who are, and have for too long been, “scraping and clawing and looking for work.” In the meantime, we’re confident you’ll continue to cash your own government checks.

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Dear Ms. Crissie,

What a ridiculous response. Rep. Wamp is correct that government help breeds dependence, and that’s how Democrats win. Just look at who voted for President Obama: blacks and unmarried women. That’s because when you kick your husband out, you need Big Brother Government to be your provider. Democrats subsidize illegitimacy because dependency gets them elected.

Phyllis in MO

Dear Phyllis,

We suggest that, having led a fifty-year battle to keep women dependent on men, you are hardly qualified to speak on the issue of independence. Divorce is indeed the leading cause of women and children in poverty. Women with children suffer twice the income drop of men after divorce, and on average need 3-4 years to escape poverty. A 2007 report by the World Economic Forum ranked the U.S. 31st in the gender gap, between Estonia and Kazakhstan, with women earning an average of 70 cents on the dollar as compared to men. The gender gap has increased for American women since the early 1990s, thanks to efforts like yours.

With that in mind, we suggest that the next time you consider discussing women’s dependency, you first don a surgical mask made with Depends.

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Dear Ms. Crissie,

Okay, I’m baffled by the absurdity of today’s letters. But I’m also baffled about that Independent Breakfast. Is this another of Chef’s names for something else? And if so, what? And can I have some, please?

Baffled for Breakfast in Blogistan

Dear Baffled,

Yes, the Independent Breakfast is Chef’s name for something she learned to enjoy as a college student, because it was inexpensive, easy to make, and nutritious. To make it, mix 1 cup of oatmeal, 1½ cups of milk, ½ cup of apple juice, and 1 peeled, cored, and cubed apple in a microwave-safe bowl. Let it sit overnight in the refrigerator, then warm it in the microwave the next morning. Bon appétit!

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Sources:

Zach in TN; biography.

Phyllis in MO; divorce and poverty; World Economic Forum report.

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Happy Sunday!