“Did you see the fox racing those dogs across the lawn?” Professor Plum asked.

“No. Who won?” we asked, skeptically.

“The fox,” Plum replied. “But only after he got the dogs quarreling over their breeds.”

The jowly professor is no Aesop, but he’d probably read our mail again. (More)

We had assigned the BPI Squirrel to hide the mail, but he spent the week in his tree, watching Netroots Nation on his Blewberry. The Squirrel texted the Professor of Astrology Janitor and asked him to hide the mail. Alas, the Professor of Astrology Janitor has no talent for secrecy, a fact that became clear again when he tried to bluff Chef on a Queen-high flop. She calmly explained that he would have raised on any hand that included a Queen, and raised his bet. After he folded, she kindly turned up her pair of Jacks. While he began his plaintive mewling, she headed to the kitchen to prepare a Big Mexican Breakfast, leaving your lowly mail room clerk to review this week’s correspondence….

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Dear Ms. Crissie,

I don’t understand what’s happening with my party here in Colorado. We have two scandal-plagued candidates for governor, and I told them that if they don’t back out of the race, I’ll run as an independent. My party needs good candidates and my state deserves better.

Tom in CO

Dear Tom,

We agree that Coloradans deserve better than either of the Tea Party GOP candidates as their next governor. They also deserve better than someone who publicly called for President Obama’s impeachment and said he is a greater threat to the U.S. than Al Qaeda. Even Fox News called you ridiculous. We suggest that when Fox News says you have gone off the right fringe, you left the fringe several steps back.

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Dear Ms. Crissie,

Thank you for defending the integrity of my network, though I must admit I’m surprised. While I take pride in our fair and balanced reporting, I did not expect to see us praised by a progressive. Thank you for recognizing our journalistic excellence.

Rupert in NY

Dear Rupert,

We did not defend the integrity of your network, nor recognize your journalistic excellence. Quite the contrary, we suggested that if your network calls a right-wing statement “ridiculous,” it must be beyond even your fringe. You have zero integrity, unless by “integrity” one means repeatedly running a doctored video that portrays a speech about transcending race as evidence of racism.

As for journalistic excellence, perhaps you mean your recent report about “Big Mexican Women” enticing Afghan soldiers into desertion. That piece contains not one named source, and is a checklist of race-based fear-mongering: “Big Mexican Women,” “some of whom may be illegal immigrants,” who may have “schooled” Afghan soldiers training in Texas “in how to move around the U.S. without documentation.”

The Weather Channel will report snowstorms in Hades before we defend your ‘news.’

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Dear Ms. Crissie,

Okay, so what is a Big Mexican Breakfast? And if I eat it, will I end up on Fox News as an Afghan deserter?

Hungry as Always in Blogistan

Dear Hungry as Always,

A Big Mexican Breakfast is simply Chef’s name for Huevos Rancheros. To make it, fry two corn tortillas in oil – Chef uses olive oil – until lightly browned and crispy. Heat ⅓ cup of refried beans and spread it evenly over the two tortillas. Place a fried egg over each, and top with 1 Tablespoon each of salsa, sour cream, and guacamole.

As for whether this will result in you being the subject of a Fox News attack piece, well, given their reporting standards….

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Sources:

BPI Squirrel watches Netroots Nation.

Tom in CO.

Rupert in NY.

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Happy Sunday!