After being shut out 10-0 in the first quarter of the Super Bowl and scrambling to lead by only two scores by the game’s end, the BPI Squirrel asked several experts how the New Orleans Saints can rebound in 2010:
Scoring Can’t Save You (David Frum) – Football isn’t about scoring, it’s about winning. Fans expect dramatic victories. Putting up more points than the opposition is not enough. The Saints don’t need a new message. They need new thinking. (David Frum was offensive for the 4-12 Bush City Chiefs.)
Play the Middle (Mark Penn) – The most important thing the Saints can do is to control the middle of the field. They should avoid plays to the left. Fans like to see movement down the middle on every play. (Mark Penn is defensive about the Clintonota Vikings, who lost to the Saints in the Democratic Playoffs.)
Don’t Mention Reality (Ed Rollins) – The Saints need to ignore details like the scoreboard and clock. Those change all the time, and we pretended it was always morning and we were leading 28-0. And the Saints will have more opponents this year, so they shouldn’t upset them. (Ed Rollins coached for the Reaganton Redskins in the 1980s.)
No Two-Minute Drill (Ari Fleischer) – The Saints will be behind near the end of most games this season, and the worst thing they can try to do is come back. That alienates independent fans. The Saints should hand the ball to their opponents and block themselves to help their opponents score. (Ari Fleischer was the voice of the Bush City Chiefs.)
Never Give Up (Pootie the Precious) – I keep my eye on da ball and never quit chasing until I catch it. I dunno bout football but that workz for Pootie Ball. Oh, and don listen to hoomans who want you to lose. I dunno why the Squirrel even asked dem. (Pootie the Precious is a mascot of Blogistan Polytechnic Institute.)
The BPI Squirrel replies – Come to think of it, Pootie the Precious is right. Asking the Saints’ opponents how they can rebound is absurd. Especially since the Saints won and their opponents lost. But I’m still new at this roving correspondent gig and I thought the best way to learn was to mimic the New York Times. I won’t do that again.