“I won!” Professor Plum cried gleefully. Seeing our blank stares, he continued. “The faculty Clue tournament. I won!”

The BPI Squirrel offered the staff’s congratulations, texting: “Professor of Clueful Supremacy.”

Plum beamed and skipped away, a sight much to be missed. At least he hadn’t seen the mail. (More)

Pootie the Precious had been monitoring the tournament and sending updates on her iHazPhone, so we weren’t surprised by Professor Plum’s announcement. We didn’t tell him that the rest of the resident faculty lost so they get on to the wine cellar library, to spend the weekend drinking thinking on our motto of Magis vinum, magis verum (“More wine, more truth”). Sometimes the truth is painful.

The BPI Squirrel learned that when he answered the Professor of Astrology Janitor’s rhetorical query, “Why does Chef always know when I bluff?” We dare not repeat what he texted, nor the Professor of Astrology Janitor’s pungent reply. Suffice it to say Chef did not refill his nut jar before she headed to the kitchen to bake Breakfast Supreme. There are times to keep the truth to oneself. But as this week’s mail proves, there are also times to proclaim it loudly.

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Dear Ms. Crissie,

I do not understand the uproar over this week’s announcement that the Church will now try priests who commit the more grave offense of pedophilia using a faster, more transparent juridical process, rather than full ecclesiastical trials. Our new norms do not require bishops to report offenders to law enforcement, but the guidelines issued earlier this year encourage reporting if local laws compel it. We are very serious in our commitment to offer safe environments and to offer adequate response to abuse.

Benedict in Vatican City

Dear Benedict,

We suggest two reasons for the uproar. First, encouraging bishops to report abuse if local laws compel it leaves a gap large enough to drive the Popemobile through. Such abuse is a crime and should be prosecuted. Second, you used the same edict – and the same “more grave offense” terminology – to denounce the ordination of women. If you see these as morally equal, small wonder there is no Latin word for “clueless.”

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Dear Ms. Crissie,

While gazing at the midnight sun from my front porch where I can watch Russia for our brave troops, I heard the NAACP accused the Tea Party of racism. I know how it feels to be falsely accused. It is a traumatizing experience, and one which the honest, freedom-loving patriots of the tea party movement are truly undeserving. To hear of the NAACP’s resolution today suggesting that we tea party Americans don’t respect equality makes me sad for those who choose to divide these great United States.

Sarah in AK

Dear Governor Airspace,

We note that NAACP did not accuse the Tea Party of racism. The NAACP called on the leaders of that movement to renounce the blatantly racist behavior too often seen at Tea Party events and heard from Tea Party GOP leaders. Rather than denounce the divisive politics of some Tea Party followers, you denounce the NAACP as divisive for calling out such bigotry. Yet again, you and facts exist in separate universes.

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Dear Ms. Crissie,

Calling the Tea Party racist is just wrong. Look at me, for example. When some of my readers said I went too far my Letter to President Lincoln when I called for a repeal of the 13th and 14th Amendments by asking how coloreds could “get a wide screen TV in every room if non-coloreds were allowed to keep what they earn,” I took that column off my blog. As a leading Tea Party spokesman, I thought that was a supremely white act of conciliation.

Mark in CA

Dear Mark,

Yes, that was supremely white of you, rather like your statement that “Islam is a 7th Century Death Cult coughed up by a psychotic pedophile and embraced by defective, tail sprouting, tree swinging, semi-human, bipedal primates with no claim to be treated like human beings or even desirable mammals for that matter.” We have no clue why people accuse you of racially divisive politics.

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Dear Ms. Crissie,

Uggh. I hope that Breakfast Supreme is tasty, and that it’s not served on a white sheet.

Hopefully Hungry in Blogistan

Dear Hopefully Hungry,

We have good news. Breakfast Supreme is very tasty. To make it, cook one pound each of breakfast sausage and ground beef together with one small chopped onion, ¾ cup sliced mushrooms, and ½ cup chopped green pepper in a large skillet until the meat is no longer pink. Season with salt and pepper, and set aside. Then wipe a 9×13″ baking dish with melted butter and sprinkle in 1 cup of shredded cheddar cheese. Beat 12 eggs and pour them over the cheese, then top with the meat and vegetables. Pour ⅔ cup heavy cream over that, then sprinkle one more cup of shredded cheddar cheese on top. Cover and refrigerate overnight, then bake uncovered at 325° for 35-40 minutes. Cut into 12 slices and serve, not on a white sheet. Bon appétit!

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Sources:

Benedict in Vatican City.

Sarah in AK.

Mark in CA; “Letter to Lincoln”.

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Happy Sunday!