“You have a thing on one of your chins,” we said to Professor Plum with concern.

He glanced in a mirror, then sighed. “It’s not a growth. Just a smear of lipstick.”

Obviously, yet again, he’d had a date with Ms. Scarlett. And obviously, yet again, he’d found this week’s mail. (More)

As Professor Plum left to join the rest of the resident faculty in the wine cellar library for their weekend of drinking thinking on our motto of Magis vinum, magis verum (“More wine, more truth”), we returned our attention to the staff poker game where the Professor of Astrology Janitor’s stack was growing. He won several pots, some with good hands, others with bluffs. When he raised on a pair of Jacks, Chef decided to make a stand with an Ace-Queen. The King-Jack-Ten flop set off fireworks worthy of next week’s holiday. Suffice it to say her Ace-high straight held up against his three Jacks, and the growth shifted from his stack to his plaintive mewling. Chef went to the kitchen to prepare Home Grown Fritatas, and your lowly mail room clerk turned to this week’s correspondence….

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Dear Ms. Crissie,

I am concerned that the Administration has drawn precisely the wrong lessons from the spill and will use the crisis as an excuse to promote their liberal agenda of excessive regulation coupled with business-stifling taxation. Proposals for “cap and tax” are wrong, not just because they overburden the American economy and cripple the ability of our businesses to compete globally, but because they allow the government to control carbon – a natural element and one of the building blocks of life. This is a government power grab whose scale is unprecedented in our country’s history.

Tim in SC

Dear Tim,

We recognize your affinity for business, as your campaign is supported by the Wall Street-driven Club for Growth. However, we suggest this nation is not merely a forum for business. The planet we inhabit is our home, not our trash can, and the “excessive regulation” you decry is essential to maintain that home. Self-interest – a motive we’re certain you understand – demands we reduce the emission of greenhouse gases like CO2 that are destabilizing our climate. This isn’t a power grab over “a natural element and one of the key building blocks of life.” It’s an attempt to protect the lives of our children and grandchildren. It may be hard to believe, but the world does continue after the quarterly accounting period.

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Dear Ms. Crissie,

You don’t understand. Making BP pay more than the $75 million statutory damage cap changes the terms of their insurance contract with the U.S. government. That benefits business and business benefits our country. So yes, taxpayers will be on the hook. Or maybe the industry generally will contribute to the cleanup, to prove that offshore drilling can be done safely and that when disasters do happen it can be cleaned up.

Mike in UT

Dear Mike,

Yet another candidate from the Club for Growth. Color us skeptical, but we have little confidence in “maybe the industry generally will contribute.” The industry didn’t contribute after the Ixtoc spill in 1979, or the Exxon Valdez spill ten years later, or the spills in the Niger Delta. In each case the industry sought every legal loophole to avoid paying for the cleanup. The statutory damage cap may benefit profits, but those profits do not trickle down to ordinary people. The spilled oil does.

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Dear Ms. Crissie,

Americans are just spoiled. This spill proves we need less government regulation of the oil industry. In fact we need less government period. You can make more money on unemployment than you can going down and getting one of those jobs that is an honest job but it doesn’t pay as much. We’ve put in so much entitlement into our government that we really have spoiled our citizenry. Government is bad for business and business is good for America.

Sharron in NV

Dear Sharron,

We see the Club for Growth got their talking points out this week. If only your ideas were as reliable as your public relations machinery. Your claim that unemployment pays more than jobs that pay less comes directly from the Tautology Institute. And it is irrelevant. To be eligible for benefits, unemployed persons must prove they are seeking work. However, the purpose of a job is not to be an “honest” worker, but to earn enough to support oneself and one’s family.

We suggest the illogical, faux-populist positions of the Tea Party “movement” are best explained by noting that both the “movement” and its candidates are sponsored by the Club for Growth.  We have no doubt the Club for Growth would prefer the average American worker live in poverty as they did before the New Deal, so the wealthy can continue to get richer as they have during this recession. That is a growth … but so is a wart.

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Dear Ms. Crissie,

Yikes. Those Club for Growth talking points were not appetizing. I hope those Home Grown Fritatas are good, or I may skip breakfast.

Waiting Hopefully in Blogistan

Dear Waiting Hopefully,

We apologize for the unappetizing commentary, but we are confident Chef’s Home Grown Fritatas will revive your palate. This morning she’s using cherry tomatoes, green peppers, green onions, parsley, and cilantro from her garden.

First thinly slice the tomatoes and green peppers, and roughly chop the green onions and herbs. Next warm a teaspoon of olive oil in a nonstick skillet over medium-low heat, then lightly shake the skillet while pouring in two beaten eggs. Use a rubber spatula to tamp in the edges of the eggs until the edges begin to set. Then spread the vegetables and herbs over the top and sprinkle lightly with cheddar cheese. Set the oven to broil and place the skillet on the top rack for 2-3 minutes. Use an oven mitt to take the skillet out, and slide the fritata onto your plate. Bon appétit!

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Sources:

Tim in SC.

Mike in UT.

Sharron in NV (and Club for Growth) on BP; on “spoiled” Americans; average income 1913-2006; rich grow richer in recession.

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Happy Sunday!