Noontime News is a snapshot of our RSS feeds from the noon (Eastern time) hour

We’ve Been Here Before

“This has gotten some attention over recent weeks. But not that much. Back in 1979, in a different part of the Gulf of Mexico, a similar oil rig (Ixtoc I) blew up more or less like the Deepwater Horizon one did. And a similar amount of oil gushed out. Even more worrisome, Pemex (the Mexican state oil company) tried pretty much all the different approaches to capping the thing that BP is trying now (containment dome, top kill, junk shot, etc.). And they all failed. Eventually it took ten months to shut the thing down and the only thing that eventually got it under control was relief wells — which BP is working on now too but aren’t supposed to be ready until August.”

BP Hires Dick Cheney’s Press Secretary, Anne Womack-Kolton

“Under threat of receivership and criminal investigation for its destruction of the Gulf of Mexico, foreign oil giant BP has hired a former top aide for Vice President Dick Cheney to be their new spokeswoman. Anne Womack-Kolton has been hired to be “head of U.S. media relations.” A rising star in the Bush-Cheney White House since the 2000 campaign, Womack-Kolton served as Cheney’s press secretary during the 2004 election before running public affairs in the Bush Department of Energy.”

BP CEO Tony Hayward: ‘I’d Like My Life Back’

“The millionaire CEO of foreign oil giant BP, Tony Hayward, is upset at the inconvenience caused to him by his company’s devastation of the Gulf of Mexico. BP’s offshore drilling explosion claimed 11 lives on April 20, and has since spewed 20 to 100 million gallons of oil into the Gulf. At least 491 birds, 227 turtles and 27 mammals, including dolphins, have been found dead. On Sunday, immediately after apologizing, Hayward then complained about the effect of the Deepwater Horizon disaster on his personal life, saying “I would like my life back“.”

[NOT Satire]

What the Coast Guard told Congress about the oil spill today

“In its briefing to Congress on the oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico, the Coast Guard said the first steps are to be taken today to sever the twisted riser pipe from the failed blowout preventer in preparations for the next attempt at capturing some of the leaking oil. The procedure will increase the flow of oil for several days, the Coast Guard said.”

Schumer Wants to Tax Businesses Using Overseas Call Centers

“To discourage businesses from outsourcing their operator services, Sen. Charles Schumer (D-N.Y.) is proposing legislation to tax businesses that set up help lines overseas. The levy, under Schumer’s bill, would be a quarter-cent per call. “

Baghdad Journal: Iraq’s Psyche, Through a Green Zone Prism

“On Tuesday, the U.S. military will formally withdraw from the last checkpoints in the Green Zone”

Taliban Driven from Afghan District

“NATO helicopters dropped more than 200 Afghan commandos and a smaller number of U.S. Special Operations troops into northeastern Afghanistan.”

Satire:New Eco-Friendly Cigarettes Kill Destructive Human Beings Over Time

“Executives at Philip Morris USA this week unveiled Marlboro Earth, a new eco-friendly cigarette that gradually eliminates the causes of global warming and environmental destruction at their source.

“By killing off the No. 1 threat to the environment, new Marlboro Earths will have a long-term effect on the overall health of our planet,” Philip Morris spokesperson Janet Weiss said. “If everyone in America does their part and joins our new green-smoking movement, then together we can eradicate man’s destructive practices once and for all.”

According to a press release from Philip Morris, the new environmentally friendly cigarettes work by employing powerful carcinogens that accumulate in the lungs of smokers, slowly breaking down their vital organs and eliminating the danger posed to the overpopulated planet by the human race.”

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