Thus did Professor Plum chidingly cheer when he poked his head and all six chins into the mail room. He said it meant “United States of White Christian America.”

He did it to say he’d found the mail again. So much for hiding it in the ballroom, under the candlestick. (More)

Apparently he had a date with Ms. Scarlett before the resident faculty retired to the wine cellar library to drink think on our motto of Magis vinum, magis verum (“More wine, more truth”). Fortunately he didn’t do that silly cheerleader jump, as the shock waves from those chins going in all directions might have tumbled the Professor of Astrology Janitor’s carefully-stacked Chip Mahal. Sadly, the Professor of Astrology Janitor tried to bluff Chef once too often, leaving him only Chiphenge, if he stood his chips on edge. Which he did, very carefully, while emitting the plaintive mewling that sent Chef to the kitchen to make Real American Omelets. This gave your lowly mail room clerk time to review the week’s correspondence….


Dear Ms. Crissie,

Why are liberals so outraged that I said someone should blow up the proposed mosque to be built at Ground Zero in New York City? First, I wasn’t advocating real violence because there is no mosque to blow up yet. Second, Americans should be outraged that a mosque might replace the Twin Towers, which were destroyed by Muslims. Third, I already apologized after a Muslim group filed a complaint with the FCC. It’s right-wing radicals like me who keep this country safe.

Michael in TX

Dear Michael,

We suggest that apologies are more convincing without weaselly explanations and attacks on those who criticized your hateful comments. Did you not know that a Florida man firebombed a mosque earlier this month? What’s more, the proposed Islamic cultural center would not be on the site of the Twin Towers. It would be built two blocks away, by a Muslim group who renounce terrorism, and the project was approved by a 29-1 vote of the community advisory board. As the board members live near the site of the 9/11 tragedy, we suggest their reasoned views matter more than your raging spews.


Dear Ms. Crissie,

That’s just more proof that Muslims are taking over America. They’re calling the shots at the Department of Justice after all. That’s why the DOJ is suing Arizona to block its new immigration bill. Just look at the DOJ’s draft complaint! It makes the same arguments as a class-action lawsuit by the ACLU and their radical allies this month. No other conclusion can be reached except that the ACLU, unions, and Muslims dictate policy at the White House.

Steve in IA

Dear Steve,

We must credit your brevity, as rarely have we seen so many dog whistles in so few words. We suggest  another conclusion can be reached on the similarity of the DOJ’s draft complaint with the lawsuit filed by the American Civil Liberties Union, Service Employees International Union, and Muslim American Society. Perhaps the lawyers cite the same facts, statutes, and precedents because they practice law in the real world, where there are real facts, statutes, and precedents. We admit this isn’t as sexy as your conspiracy theory, but the real world rarely is.


Dear Ms. Crissie,

I’ve noticed that the Tea Party GOP has a strategy . Whenever someone comments about how stupid one of them sounds (Bush) they go find someone who sounds even stupider (Palin). Now they have Rand Paul, who wants Congress to pass a law in violation of the 14th Amendment to deny citizenship to children born in the U.S. unless their parents are citizens. If he keeps this up he might make George W. Bush look almost intelli…. I can’t believe I almost said that.

Matt in Realworldia

Dear Matt,

We’re not used to real letters from real readers in Realworldia. Please excuse us while we savor this moment.

Thank you. Sadly, we do not think it possible that even Rand Paul could make President Bush look “almost intelligent,” however stupid Mr. Paul may be. For example, we learned this week that, while president, George W. Bush told former Argentine President Néstor Kirchner the Marshall Plan was “a crazy idea of Democrats” and that “the best way to revitalize an economy is war… All of the economic growth has been encouraged by wars.”

To test your hypothesis, we asked the resident faculty to enter both Mr. Paul’s and President Bush’s statements into the Official BPI Stupometer. Alas the data were indecipherable, and the Professor of Astrology Janitor spent two days mopping up the goo.


Dear Ms. Crissie,

Please tell me a Real American Omelet isn’t made with egg whites and white cheese, served with a glass of white milk. Or anything involving moose.

Cautiously Hungry in Blogistan

Dear Cautiously Hungry,

Oh dear. Certainly not. Chef makes her Real American omelets with whole eggs, thin strips of Genoa salami, red bell peppers, lightly sautéed portobello mushrooms, and cheddar cheese. She serves it with coffee or tea, and the resulting culinary and visual tapestry spans the gamut of our nation. Bon appétit!



Michael in TX; Florida man firebombs mosque.

Steve in IA.

Rand Paul on immigration; George W. Bush on war.


Happy Sunday!