Es klang vermutlich im ursprünglichen Deutsch besser,” said Professor Plum, poking his head and all six chins into the mail room.

Apparently hiding the mail amidst the student course evaluations was not as successful as we’d hoped. (More)

Ah Sunday, when the resident faculty at Blogistan Polytechnic Institute make their way to the wine cellar library to drink think on our motto of Magis vinum, magis verum (“More wine, more truth”), and Professor Plum pauses to let us know he’s found our mail again. Had your lowly mail room clerk known the faculty actually read course evaluations when we were in college, we might not have written some of those things.

Fortunately Plum’s entry did not disrupt progress in the staff poker game, because the Professor of Astrology Janitor was on a hot streak and up nearly two dollars. Then all of those chirping chips went to his head and he decided to play a Seven-Deuce offsuit as if it were a pair of Aces. When an Ace fell on the flop he carefully concealed his glee as Chef bet. He called, then added a big raise when she bet again at the turn. It looked exactly as if he had been trapping her, and it might have worked had Chef not held … a pair of Aces.

Of course that triggered his plaintive mewling and Chef headed for the kitchen to prepare Bauernfrühstück, a German Farmer’s Breakfast. This gave your lowly mail room clerk a chance to respond to the week’s correspondence….

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Dear Ms. Crissie,

Y’know what’s wrong with you liberal Democrats? You don’t value diversity! When was the last time a Democratic president nominated a white Christian male to the Supreme Court? It was Justice Byron White, nominated by JFK. Every nominee since has been a woman, a black, or a Jew. Mostly Jews: five of your last seven nominees. When will you liberals stand up for the kind of people who made America great?

Pat in VA

Dear Pat,

We disagree with Molly Ivins’ comment on your speech at the 1992 GOP convention, “It probably sounded better in the original German,” a quip many have cited in response to your most recent verbal diarrhea. Ms. Ivins’ wit offered an excuse that you should not be allowed. You don’t live in the Germany of the 1920s-1940s, where racism was accepted as a fact supposedly proved by the science of the day. Were you in Germany today, your hateful words would be reviled and your career as a public figure would quickly end. We suggest cognitive Kaopectate or, failing that, a long-overdue retirement into anonymity.

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Dear Ms. Crissie,

Now don’t pick on my brother. The fact is President Obama is dumbing down the Supreme Court with his nominees. Look at his nominees. They don’t look like judges to me. My brother and I just want qualified people, that’s all.

Bay in VA

Dear Bay,

We must define qualified very differently, as you famously said that half-term Governor Airspace was “extraordinarily qualified” to be President of the United States. We suggest you could be the poster woman for cultural hegemony, and encourage you to join your brother in that cognitive Kaopectate, or in long-overdue retirement.

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Dear Ms. Crissie,

You liberals just don’t get it, do you. Conservatives stand up for common sense like racial profiling. Law enforcement should consider a person’s race as an indicator of threats like international terrorism. It’s downright stupid not to suspect young Middle Eastern males, but you liberals are all about political correctness. Or take the ENDA bill. Who needs it? Nobody could discriminate against homosexuals if they didn’t wear their sexuality on their sleeves. If you don’t project it, if you don’t advertise it, nobody knows about it and they can’t discriminate against you. Who needs a law for that?

Steve in IA

Dear Steve,

We wonder if you’re aware that neither of the suspects in the two most recent terrorist attempts – so-called “underpants bomber” Umar Farouk Abdulmutallab and Times Square bomber Faisal Shazad – was “Middle Eastern.” Abdulmutallab is from Nigeria, which for your benefit we shall note is in Africa. Shazad was born in Pakistan, which for your benefit we shall note is southern Asia. Perhaps “they” all look the same to you in which case we are grateful you’re not in law enforcement, or perhaps you used “Middle Eastern” as code for “Muslim” in which case you need to consult the First Amendment. The issue is not “political correctness” but “probable cause” and, your xenophobia notwithstanding, race and religion are not “probable cause.”

As for your thoughts on ENDA, they might be less absurd were this not in the first paragraph of your biography at your official website: “He attended Denison Community High School, where he met Marilyn Kelly, whom he married in 1972.” Routine fluff, unless your name were Stephanie King and you met and married Marilyn Kelly, or as Steve King you met and married Mark Kelly, at which point “routine fluff” becomes “wearing their sexuality on their sleeves.” Likewise for employees who have photos of spouses on their desks, or invite them to office family parties. Routine if the couple are straight, and “wearing their sexuality on their sleeves” if the couple are LGBT. In fact you’re saying we LGBTs have a special duty to conceal our lives.

We would suggest you plug the hole from which your verbal diarrhea emerged, but you would probably say we’re “wearing our sexuality on our sleeves.”

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Dear Ms. Crissie,

Uggh. Just, uggh. Please tell me that German Farmer’s Breakfast is more appetizing than this week’s letters.

Hungry and Hoping in Blogistan

Dear Hungry and Hoping,

We have good news. Bauernfrühstück, or German Farmer’s Breakfast, is both very appetizing and easy to make. First peel, quarter, and boil 3 potatoes until a toothpick just slides in. Set them aside and roughly chop 1 cup of green onions, 1 cup of white onions, 2 cups of green bell peppers, 1 cup of ham, and ¼ cup of parsley. Brown the onions and peppers in olive oil over medium-high heat, then push them to the side of the pan and brown the potatoes, salting to taste. When the potatoes are browned, stir the ham into the potatoes and cover the pan for 1-2 minutes, until the ham is heated. Then stir the onions and peppers into the potatoes and ham, add the parsley, and stir in 4 beaten eggs. Cook until the eggs begin to firm up, and serve immediately. Bon appétit!

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Sources:

Pat in VA.

Bay in VA.

Steve in IA on racial profiling; on ENDA; bio at official website.

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Happy Sunday!