Yet again Professor Plum poked his nose and all six chins into the Blogistan Polytechnic Institute mail room this morning, as the resident faculty made their way down to the wine cellar library to spend the weekend thinking drinking on our motto of Magis vinum, magis verum (“More wine, more truth”).

“Where else have you lived?” he asked your lowly mail room clerk. “I want to know what state I should worry about next.”

Obviously hiding our mail under a rock beside the BPI Squirrel’s tree did not work.

The Professor of Astrology Janitor also tried to hide under a rock, or at least play as one, for the staff poker game. Determined to break his long losing streak, he adopted a strategy of folding all but the best possible hands. Of course, this made him very easy to read; if he didn’t fold, Chef and the rest of us did. So he won several small pots but couldn’t entice anyone into playing a big pot with him. But he finally got his chance when his pair of Queens hit a Queen-Seven-Seven flop with two Hearts. This time Chef did not back down, and the Professor of Astrology Janitor was sure his rock-like strategy would finally pay off. When the Jack of Hearts came at the turn, both he and the Chef raised each other until all of their money – over four dollars – was in the pot.

The Professor of Astrology Janitor proudly turned over his two Queens, expecting his rock-like strategy to crush Chef’s Heart flush. But Chef was Heart-less. She turned over the other two Sevens for four-of-a-kind. Thus began the Professor of Astrology Janitor’s plaintive mewling, and Chef headed to the kitchen to make Breakfast Turnovers. So your lowly mail room clerk turned over the rocks in this week’s correspondence….

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Dear Ms. Crissie,

I’m outraged and I think liberals should support me, because I’ve been gagged. I resigned as a state judge because the New Jersey State Supreme Court said I couldn’t promote my new movie O.B.A.M. Nude, where a college student makes a pact with Satan to become president and turn the U.S. toward socialism. Satan tutors him on political talking points, so he can trick the nation with a mantra of hope and change. I’m standing up for the free speech rights of all artists, all writers, all people. Why won’t liberals stand with me on this?

Kenneth in NJ

Dear Kenneth,

We note that the court’s advisory committee did not say you couldn’t promote your movie. They said you could not promote your movie and also remain a state judge, because promoting your film as a judge would create an appearance of impropriety. You remain free to pursue your career as a filmmaker, and we doubt you will have difficulty finding a like-minded audience under the political rocks.

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Dear Ms. Crissie,

I’m also upset at liberals. I thought you were understanding people, so why can’t you understand that I needed someone to carry my luggage and massage my back during a recent vacation? This doesn’t compromise me as co-founder of the Family Research Council and board member on the National Association for Research and Therapy of Homosexuality. I’ll have you know I was paid $60,000 by the state of Florida to testify as an expert witness against gay adoption. Florida Attorney General and 2010 GOP gubernatorial candidate Bill McCollum obviously trusted me. Why won’t the rest of you?

George in SC

Dear George,

We suggest liberals are skeptical because most travelers in need of help with luggage ask for curbside assistance at the airport and for help from a cab driver or bellhop, rather than hiring an escort from Rentboy.com. We concede that Attorney General McCollum authorized your $60,000 expert witness fee, and the state paid it. We also note that the court found your testimony was “neither credible nor worthy of forming the basis for public policy,” and “far from a neutral and unbiased recitation of the relevant scientific evidence. Dr. Rekers’ beliefs are motivated by his strong ideological and theological convictions that are not consistent with the science.” While Attorney General McCollum trusted you, the court did not. Nor do we.

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Dear Ms. Crissie,

Well you should trust me, because it’s Mother’s Day and I’m trying to make more mothers. That’s why I sponsored the Florida bill to force pregnant women to pay for and view the results of an ultrasound before receiving an abortion. Women get too much information on pregnancies where tests show genetic abnormalities, and not enough pressure to have those babies anyway. And my bill says women don’t even have to watch the ultrasound or hear about it if they can prove they were raped or are not being coerced to have an abortion. Shouldn’t all mothers support that?

Andy in FL

Dear Andy,

We might be less skeptical had you not supported Florida Senate Joint Resolution 72, the so-called Florida Health Care Freedom Act. This would block the 2010 federal health care law because, you and its sponsors believe, it interferes with personal health care choices. Apparently health care freedom is very important to you, except when it comes to women’s health care freedom.

So no, mothers should not support your anti-abortion bill, and that’s why the Pro-Choice, Pro-Family Community will acknowledge Mother’s Day with demonstrations calling on Governor Crist to oppose your bill, including one today at 10am in front of State Representative John Legg’s office at Grove Street and Little Road in Port Richey, Florida.

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Dear Ms. Crissie,

Okay, I get the “what rocks do these people live under” allusion, but what was Professor Plum worried about? Oh, and how do I make that Breakfast Turnover?

Rocky for Breakfast in Blogistan

Dear Rocky,

Apparently Professor Plum remembered that your lowly mail room clerk briefly lived in New Jersistan and noted the links to South Blogistan in the other two letters. He seems concerned that our mere presence in a state may be responsible for making its right wing crazy. We note that the right wing was never exactly sane to start with.

As for the Breakfast Turnover, first sauté one diced potato in olive oil for about five minutes. Then add ½ cup diced onions and a dash each of garlic salt, nutmeg, and pepper, until onions start to soften. Next add ½ cup each of chopped mushrooms and diced baby spinach leaves. Continue to sauté until mushrooms have softened, then add and scramble in two eggs. Once eggs are cooked, roll out four crescent rolls into rectangles, and spread with shredded cheddar cheese and the vegetable-egg mixture. Fold and crimp the edges and brush the outside with an eggwash, then bake at 350° until golden brown. Dribble with balsamic vinegar or maple syrup, to taste. Bon appétit!

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Sources:

Kenneth in NJ.

George in SC.

Andy in FL; supported FL-SJR 72.