Akshully Mz Crissie joyned da Perfess Profesc Asstro Janitor and Chef playing pokerz so itz jus me, Pootie the Precious. Da fakultee is down in da wine celler library drinkin thinkin troof and makin noyz. Iz bzzy wiff my friend da BPI Squirrel, calmin’ him down coz he hadz a tuff week. We sent him az our sekritarmy spy to see what doze konserv consurv nutz were doin. Coz he knows all about nutz, bein a squirrel.

More stuffz down but u gotta uze da skroll scrole slidey thing….

Oh gud u figured it out. It tuk me lotza tries and dat mouse duznt taste rite. Jus sayin. Ooh Mz Crissie just laffed and grabbed a buncha doze lil clacky things from the Perfess Profesc Asstro Janitor. Hez not happy an hez makin noyzez like I make when I want more noms. Ooh. More noms. Chef iz goin to make hooman noms. Mebbe she will open some noms for me. Be rite back.

Ok back. Yummy noms. Hold on Iz gotta wipez my face. Ok back again. Why don’ hoomans lick ur hands to wipez ur facez? Ur weird. An I getz dystrak distrack I thinkz of other stuffz a lot. But datz ok coz Iz a pootie, ok?

So we sent da BPI Squirrel as our sekritarmy spy to see what doze nutz did when dey had dere Seepack Seapack CPAC meeting. (I jus learnd how to uze coppee/payst. Wow datz fun.) Iz texxin wiff him on hiz Blewberry. (He likez dat better dan da black wun coz it goez better wiff his red furz.) So heerz wat we sed da past few dayz:

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Squirrel@BPI: Finally here. Don’t ask about flight. No flight attendants in pet area. No peanuts either. Just don’t ask.

PootieP@BPI: Iz sorree. I din’t ask.

Squirrel@BPI: Yes, sorry. I’m not blaming you. I hate traveling is all.

PootieP@BPI: Ok. So ur dere now?

PhotobucketSquirrel@BPI: Yes. Sort of. They don’t let squirrels in so if this is “here” then I’m here.

PootieP@BPI: Dat lookz like it hurtz.

Squirrel@BPI: After that flight, trust me, this is comfortable.

PootieP@BPI: I gess. If u say so.

Squirrel@BPI: Anyway, I can see pretty well from here. And I may never want nuts again.

PootieP@BPI: Y?

Squirrel@BPI: These people give nuts a bad name. Try eating the computer mouse and see if you ever want a mouse again.

PootieP@BPI: I tried dat. Mz Crissie dint likez it and it dint taste rite enneeway. Plus I likez noms from cans more.

Squirrel@BPI: Did you want a report from here or are we discussing your dietary preferences?

PootieP@BPI: Sorree. U brawt it up.

Squirrel@BPI: Point taken. I’m just feeling cranky. I’m sorry.

PootieP@BPI: Sokay. Da flite and stuff.

Squirrel@BPI: And now some guy named Babbin just joked about another guy flying into a building where people got killed.

PootieP@BPI: Dats not nice.

Squirrel@BPI: No, it isn’t. Squirrels fly onto buildings sometimes, but we don’t hurt anyone.

PootieP@BPI: I tryz not to hurt nuffin. I even keepz my clawz in when I needz da hoomans to say I wuv uze.

Squirrel@BPI: That’s very considerate of you. Now Pawlenty guy says people should break government windows with golf clubs.

PootieP@BPI: Doze hoomans sound mean!

Squirrel@BPI: They do indeed. He will of course say it was just a joke about that golfer.

PootieP@BPI: I likez chasin da spungee golf ball.

Squirrel@BPI: Yes, I’ve seen that. You do it very well.

PootieP@BPI: Aww, thank u. Wat I do iz, I batz it so it goez more so I can….

Squirrel@BPI: Yes, I know. Now they’re arguing over whether a representative of a gay group should have been allowed to speak, or even allowed at the convention.

PootieP@BPI: Y do dey care which hoomans wuvz which other hoomanz?

Squirrel@BPI: I have no idea. They’d probably think it’s unnatural that you and I are friends, too.

PootieP@BPI: Y? Ur nice!

Squirrel@BPI: Thank you, but in their idea of The Natural Order, you should try to kill and eat me.

PootieP@BPI: Y wuld I do dat? I likez u!

Squirrel@BPI: Exactly. Oh, here comes their big speaker. The Beck guy. He’s saying progressives want to deprive Americans of their right to suffer hardship.

PootieP@BPI: Rite to suffer hardship? Iz dat in dere Konsti Cawnsti lawz?

Squirrel@BPI: No, it isn’t. Their Declaration of Independence mentions a right to the pursuit of happiness, but nothing in their founding documents says anything about a right to suffer hardship.

PootieP@BPI: It sowndz stoopid, jus sayin.

Squirrel@BPI: It is stupid. He says people need the right to fail, like he did. I guess he thinks helping people is bad for them.

PootieP@BPI: I don unnerstan dat.

Squirrel@BPI: Neither do I, my friend. And I can’t take any more. Please tell me there’s eggnog left over from the holidays. I’m going to need it when I get back.

PootieP@BPI: I don think so. Mebbe Chef makez u sumpin. Shud I ask?

Squirrel@BPI: That would be very kind of you. Irish Coffee would be wonderful. Oh, time for my flight. See you when I get back.

PootieP@BPI: Ok wuvs u. Be safe.

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Be rite back. I askz Chef how to make Irish coffee now.

Ok back. Turnz out Irish Coffee is eezee. U pour 6 ouncez of hot coffee in a mug, add 1½ ounce of Irish whiskers and 1 teaspoon of brown sugar, stir softlee, then gentlee float 6 ouncez of heavy creem on top. Chef sez don’t mix it. Bon appétit! (I uze coppee/payst for dat too.)

Oh wait. Chef sez Irish whisky, not whiskers. Sorree.

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Happy Sunday!

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Sources:

Some guy named Babbin

Pawlenty guy

Argument over gay group

The Beck guy