The faculty of Blogistan Polytechnic Institute have made their way from the wine cellar library where they spent the weekend proving our motto of Magis vinum, magis verum (“More wine, more truth”) to the hot tub faculty lounge.  As always, the staff eavesdropped to hear what plans they have for the week.  Sadly, this week their attentions were focused on flying underwear and fully-exposed Bippies.  And what could be more fully exposed than television, thus this year’s final BPI Awards for TV Series that were never made.

First, of course, a big shout out to Professor of Neuroholdemodality Caractacus Pott for last week’s introduction of his new Tuesday lecture series: What We Learned This Week.  Or at least we assume that’s what it was about.  If you missed it, please give it a read and question our assumptions.  This Tuesday Ol’ Crackpot will discuss personal organization tips to help us get more done.  (Chef notes this may lead to restocking the wine cellar library more often.)  And on Wednesday Professor of Psycholegalese kktlaw returns to the lectern with by asking “Why Ask Why?”  (The Professor of Astrology Janitor will be in the lobby asking himself why we ask that question.)

But of course the media attention focused on the cheeky yet coveted BPI Awards.  Beginning with the 2009 BPI Awards for TV Ads, followed by the 2009 BPI Awards for Movies, and then the 2009 BPI Awards for Political Columns, the response has been unanimous and overwhelming.  From Entertainment Tonight to E-TV and even Rachel Maddow’s pop culture guru Kent Jones, no one has failed to not cover the nonexistent trophies given for nonexistent brilliance by this nonexistent university.  We had no idea the much-maligned American media could be so Zen.

So it is with great nonexistent sadness that we come to the bottom of this year’s Bippies.  In longstanding tradition established over several years weeks, and because last year’s opulent ceremony at the Kodiak Theatre frightened the bears, we reveal that bottom online.  As always, the whole faculty and staff voted and our crack security staff sealed the results in an envelope that was stored at the bottom of Pootie the Precious’ litter box until minutes ago.  Please pardon the aroma.

So without further adieu or revoir, the nominees for the 2009 BPI Awards for TV Series that were not made:

+++++

CSI-DC

In yet another spinoff from the original gritty police drama, a team of forensic accountants works each week to track down the reasons for politicians’ votes on legislation.  Combining cutting-edge speculation, state-of-the-art cynicism, and old-fashioned green eye shades, they bring the bought and paid for to justice.

+++++

Law & Order: WCCU

In the White Collar Crime Unit spinoff from the ubiquitous series – shing ching – police and prosecutors work together for Lady Justice in cases ripped from the headlines on Wall Street. shing ching  The pilot episode includes guest appearances by Michael Moore and the money that used to be in your 401(K).

+++++

House and Senate, M.D.

This surprising spinoff from the popular medical mystery features a team of doctors, led by an acerbic yet brilliant misanthrope, diagnosing and treating proposals for health care reform.  Each week’s bill nearly dies while the team finds the tests and medications – and legislative provisions – that insurance companies will allow.

+++++

Lie To Us

In this spinoff from the psychological detective series, leading cable news hosts use the latest scientific techniques to uncover deception in speeches given by politicians on the floor of Congress, in meetings with constituents, and interviews.  The 365-hour pilot episode was filmed entirely on location.

+++++

Nazi Ghost Superweapons

In this year’s only non-network nominee, a History Channel team combines archival footage, video game graphics, deep-voiced narration, and ominous background music to explore whether Adolf Hitler summoned ghosts to build superweapons that could have won World War II.

+++++

And the winner is …

Woofie n Pootie, Iz Morning, an original series pairing a canine and a feline mascot who tell their hooman when iz time to wakez up and feedz us and walkz us and playz wiff us pweeze now pweeze more pweeze.

Hrmmm … it seems someone switched that envelope again.  But which series would you have chosen?

+++++

Happy Monday!